Sports Hernia Blog

All-Star Weekend Predictions

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Our SportsHernia psychic predicts the future and gave us an amazingly accurate timeline of the upcoming NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas.

Saturday

10:38 p.m. – A disgusted Dominique Wilkins challenges up and coming assbag Tyrus "Get paid and go home" Thomas to a dunk-off and proceeds to bring the house down by windmill dunking Nate Robinson.

11:01 p.m. ? Dikembe Mutumbo shatters the back of an unsuspecting fan sitting in the first row with a thunderous slap, after a hilarious missed dunk by Dwight Howard sends the legendary center into a tizzy.

Sunday

7:02 p.m. – Gilbert "agent zero" Arenas decides his blindfold is not enough of a handicap for the All-Star game and shows up wearing a fake peg leg, two metal hooks for hands, and a parrot on his shoulder.

7:43 p.m. – During warm-ups, the players reveal their blinking-light sequence uniforms, complimented with numerous feathers. Amazingly, an improvement from previous years uniforms.

8:36 p.m. ? An over zealous ass-kissing, chest-bumping, and hugging session between players before the opening tip leads to an impromptu orgy.

8:45 p.m. ? Referee Dick Bavetta gets in the All-Star game spirit and throws the opening tip off the West backboard.

8:47 p.m. – Seated courtside, Oakley and MJ celebrate their winnings as the East does indeed score first.

8:50 p.m. – Special guest referee Jake O’Donnell ejects Clyde Drexler from the stands.

8:52 p.m. – Misreading the playfulness of the first quarter, first-year All Star Mehmet Okur yells to Kobe: "I’m open for three, n***a!"

8:59 p.m. ? Despite David Stern?s ban, Tim Hardaway somehow nabs a courtside seat, nestled between Siegfried and Roy.

9:03 p.m. – David Stern officially destroys the term "Vegas, baby!" by awkwardly repeating it six times in a 30-second span during a 1st quarter interview with a jazzed Jim Grey.

9:21 p.m. ? Longtime prankster Shaq checks into the game using Nets coach Larry Frank as his shorts.

9:29 p.m. ? First completed alley-oop after 47 missed attempts.

9:32 p.m. ? Game is delayed 10 minutes after a wild, ambitious behind the back pass from Kobe to himself ends up trapped in Wayne Newton’s toxic waste of a hairdo.

9:43 p.m. – In attendance to watch the game, Detlef Schrempf inexplicably launches and connects on a 3-pointer from the 10th row.

10:30p.m. – The entire crowd leaves immediately after the score surpasses the 243 over/under mark 2 minutes into the 4th quarter.

10:32 p.m. – Carlos Boozer hides Tony Parker in his chest hair, completing the first-ever Hairball of Liberty play.

11:12 p.m.Michael Jordan bets his legacy that LeBron James will miss the last shot.

12:03 a.m. – After gambling for 36 hours straight, Barkley, Rick Mahorn, and Bill Laimbeer eat the Golden Nugget.

3 Comments

  1. LeBron

    February 16, 2007 at 10:04 pm

    I bet you my legacy that I’ll knaw off all my fingernails and possibly my entire hand by the end of the game.

  2. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    February 17, 2007 at 10:11 am

    Great article as always

    I find the ASG the most boring event in sports history, and I really want the league to put NBA legends such as Kenny Payne and Bill Hanzlik in the All star teams to make it interesting

    I mean, the 3 point contest would be fun to watch only if good old Manute or at least Matt Bullard would show up

    so more power to Sporshernia for making a boring crap fun

  3. marv

    February 17, 2007 at 3:35 pm

    Oh man, I would love to see Manute in the 3 point contest

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