Sports Hernia Blog

Embattled Pavano brings in Chris Chandler as personal trainer

Carla_pavano

The Yankees $40 million dollar, sloppy-titted trainwreck of a starting pitcher, Carl Pavano continued his heroic comeback from multiple injuries today as he was successfully able to fasten both cleats to his feet for the first time since taking a "line drive" off his left foot. This would normally be huge news in itself for the grumpy prick from Connecticut but the excitement at Legends Field didn’t end there. Sporting a confident grin for the first time since he began urinating on his own again, Pavano introduced his new personal trainer and former bag-of-bones QB, Chris Chandler to an entertained gathering of media members. The new workout regime and pitching philosophy, etched on two ribs sticking out of Chandler’s torso, included the following:

  • sit in a pool
  • sit on a couch
  • sit in a bar
  • run in place in the shower for 15 minutes
  • sharpen focus by going for long bike rides while substituting water with Nyquil
  • rollerblade in crowded, high traffic areas while heavily intoxicated
  • test reflexes against the pitching machine by catching balls in your mouth
  • wear 6" cleats on turf to make sure you tear something
  • instead of traditional punching bag, spar with a concrete wall to pick up your intensity
  • if a line drive is coming straight at you, stare awkwardly at it until it hits you, then crumple to the ground like a dead horse
  • when diving for ball, turn all of your limbs into awkward positions before abruptly landing
  • while falling off the mound, be sure to plant one foot and twist hard
  • on off days, separate your pitching shoulder for fun
  • put a brick on the accelerator of your Porsche, sit back, and take a nap

2 Comments

  1. Chris Chandler

    February 26, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    I broke three fingers typing this

  2. Grant Hill

    February 27, 2007 at 10:46 am

    can i get your number Chris? this sounds up my alley?

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