Hernia unveils essential Super Bowl party tips

The following is a list of 23 crucial party tips that will lead to a rockin‘ Super Bowl bash as seen above:

1. If your husband or boyfriend is a die-hard fan of either team, leave the state.
2. Keep it fun:  Deliver repeated roundhouse kicks to the face of anyone who laughs at a Bud Light commercial.
3. Stop being such a pussy and splurge for that surround sound farting microphone adapter.
4. Every time they show a member of the Manning family, punch yourself in the face.
5. Be smart:  If you’re too drunk to drive home, call your girlfriend for a ride instead of your wife.
6. Repeatedly ask the question: "Is this in high-def?"
7. Every time they cut to a sideline reporter explaining what kind of shoes the teams are wearing, piss on the television.
8. Try watching a quarter without your head up your ass.
9. Unless you plan on using the SAP button, keep a bucket of cyanide handy.
10. Sit in a plastic chair if you favor pissing yourself over actually getting up.
11. Instead of watching the neat commercials, put your head in a vice.
12. Dub the audio from a Mexican soccer game over the actual commentary and see if anyone cares.
13. Keep Nerf Crotch Bat (TM) handy for anyone who randomly brings up politics.
14. Every time they show Tank Johnson, feel free to break the law.
15. Try to minimize cursing and throwing shit at the TV to once every 15 minutes.
16. Give yourself a wedgie if you haven’t replaced the remote with a bong by the 2nd quarter.
17. In lieu of actually listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, throw on WWF’s Piledriver and let the music guide you.
18. Every time the Bears turn the ball over, fax a slice of pizza to a friend or relative.
19. Boogers don’t go in the Chex mix.
20. Every time Rex Grossman throws a pick, pick the onion dip out of your ears.
21. Screw all of your New Year’s resolutions.
22. First broad that asks how they make that First Down line gets a Honky Tonk Shake-Rattle-n-Roll.
23. Every time the ball is hiked, say a prayer for Barbaro, then kill yourself.
24. Every time CBS shows Marino pretending to be happy for Peyton, fart in your buddy’s pint glass and cover it with a coaster.

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