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Hernia unveils essential Super Bowl party tips
- Updated: February 2, 2007
The following is a list of 23 crucial party tips that will lead to a rockin‘ Super Bowl bash as seen above:
- If your husband or boyfriend is a die-hard fan of either team, leave the state.
- Keep it fun: Deliver repeated roundhouse kicks to the face of anyone who laughs at a Bud Light commercial.
- Stop being such a pussy and splurge for that surround sound farting microphone adapter.
- Every time they show a member of the Manning family, punch yourself in the face.
- Be smart: If you’re too drunk to drive home, call your girlfriend for a ride instead of your wife.
- Repeatedly ask the question: "Is this in high-def?"
- Every time they cut to a sideline reporter explaining what kind of shoes the teams are wearing, piss on the television.
- Try watching a quarter without your head up your ass.
- Unless you plan on using the SAP button, keep a bucket of cyanide handy.
- Sit in a plastic chair if you favor pissing yourself over actually getting up.
- Instead of watching the neat commercials, put your head in a vice.
- Dub the audio from a Mexican soccer game over the actual commentary and see if anyone cares.
- Keep Nerf Crotch Bat (TM) handy for anyone who randomly brings up politics.
- Every time they show Tank Johnson, feel free to break the law.
- Try to minimize cursing and throwing shit at the TV to once every 15 minutes.
- Give yourself a wedgie if you haven’t replaced the remote with a bong by the 2nd quarter.
- In lieu of actually listening to Jim Nantz and Phil Simms, throw on WWF’s Piledriver and let the music guide you.
- Every time the Bears turn the ball over, fax a slice of pizza to a friend or relative.
- Boogers don’t go in the Chex mix.
- Every time Rex Grossman throws a pick, pick the onion dip out of your ears.
- Screw all of your New Year’s resolutions.
- First broad that asks how they make that First Down line gets a Honky Tonk Shake-Rattle-n-Roll.
- Every time the ball is hiked, say a prayer for Barbaro, then kill yourself.
- Every time CBS shows Marino pretending to be happy for Peyton, fart in your buddy’s pint glass and cover it with a coaster.
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