Sports Hernia Blog

NBA deals that fell threw at the last hour

Sid_montague_5Despite another over-hyped, crappy trade deadline that came and went, Hernia correspondent Sid Montague takes a peek into blockbusters that could have been, if not for various last minute hang-ups.

Sources say the Blazers, obscenely jealous of the attention the Pacers have been getting and tired of Raef LaFrentz’s ‘not getting arrested’ shtick, were openly dangling the flimsy Solar-Power Forward in hopes of getting boxes of ammo and a few used body bags in return. The Blazers were also said to be fending off the Cincinnati Bengals and Sing Sing for the Titans’ foot-chewing, strawberry gobbling, PacMan Jones.

The Knicks City Dancers were said to be focused on acquiring the services of the amazing Vladimir Radmanovic, but were unsuccessful in reaching the spunky Serbian. In fact, at press time, reps were still waiting to leave a message on his cell phone voicemail which continued to play a neverending techno song.

Jeff Van Gundy and George Karl were mulling a possible swap of porn collections, with Van Gundy’s insistence on not including his cherished "Weapons of Ass Destruction 3" DVD as the likely deal breaker.

Pacers transvestite forward Jeff Foster burned up the phone lines all day in a failed attempt to capture Vince Carter’s vagina.

The Atlanta Hawks boldy tried to trade their entire roster for the Seven Dwarfs just to see if anyone would notice, but were rebuffed at the last minute.

The increasingly disgruntled Paul "Beetle" Pierce pleaded with management for a trade to Jersey City after learning his local Store 24 stopped carrying scratch-off tickets and B&M baked beans.

For the 3rd straight year, Mike Miller’s desperate search for somebody, anybody’s eyebrows was unsuccessful. Coincidentally, Miller’s baffled agent spent the entire afternoon fending off phone calls from confused WNBA agents looking to strike a deal for his freaky client.

Minor deals that went down:

ESPN shipped Chad Ford to for Randy the intern and a used box-set of Mr. Belvedere VHS tapes dubbed in Spanish.

In the most unfortunate of circumstances and in the midst of classic trade day confusion, Peter Vecsey traded himself to the Sacramento Bee.


  1. David Aldridge

    February 22, 2007 at 10:34 pm

    Great work as always Sid.

    Any word on if my douchebag collegue Stephen A. was sent to the set of Droopy Dog’s cartoon?

  2. Gerrard Sir Hornypants

    February 23, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    can you confirm George Karl and Tom Tolbert traded mock turtlenecks?

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