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The Hernia’s healthy tips for Super Bowl Sunday
- Updated: February 2, 2007
The Associated Press recently released an amazing article on ways to make this Super Bowl Sunday a healthy one. The Sports Hernia would like to add other helpful tips for these lame-asses.
Try not eating lard or actual grease.
Instead of eating an entire pizza pie, throw it like a novelty flying disc.
Substitute calorie-heavy regular beer with cocaine.
Keep that heart rate up by doing suicide sprints up the stairs every time Jim Nantz shouts "Ohh Peyton" like a admiring schoolgirl.
If you really need to taper the calories on Super Bowl Sunday, remind yourself not to bathe in blue cheese.
Celery is bullshit. Don’t eat it.
If you have to change your pig-like diet, stop using whipped potatoes as deodorant.
Instead of eating your tortilla & cheese flip flops, go for a walk in them.
If you have "Bill Maas or John Madden voice?, it’s too late, you’re already morbidly obese.
If you’re really looking to lighten the load, go without your tomato paste hair gel this Sunday.
For a great burn, dust off your assless pants and dance to Prince’s halftime show.
Instead of crawling to the plate of peanut-butter dipped cheese steaks, consider walking.
Instead of eating those famous peanut-butter dipped cheese steaks, rub them on your nuts for Scruffy to lick off.
Try and bang your strookers before the game, on an empty stomach.
It’s obvious you need to cut back on gorging yourself, why not save some calories and spare your hot dog phone?
Remember: You don’t have to eat everything. Put some salsa in your pockets to eat later after you lose all your money on the game, you goddamn degenerate.
This Super Bowl do everyone a favor, skip the middle man and just shove the seven layer dip up your ass.
Interesting pointless fact: Buffalo Wings come from chickens while footballs, or pigskins, are actually made from cowhide. Holy fucking shit!