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NCAA bans Duke “Trust Fund Sticks” for all tournament games
- Updated: March 15, 2007
(DURHAM, NC) — Duke fans were left fuming yesterday as the NCAA decided to ban their cherished Trust Fund Sticks from all March Madness games. The Trust Fund Sticks are similar to regular thundersticks seen throughout sporting arenas, only the Duke edition have records of each students personal trust funds, spare crystals, rubies, gold nuggets and slave deeds enclosed, making for quite an audio racket. The reaction from Duke student body and alumni is just as loud.
?This is preposterous!? griped Duke senior Todd Van Cunt, sporting four Izod shirts with popped colors underneath a pink cashmere sweater, ?There is absolutely no legal precedent to this. It?s absurd. Do they even know who my father is!"
Thomas Hill, who just finished crying from the 1992 Duke-Kentucky game, began sobbing uncontrollably once again upon hearing the news. After Chris Collins came over to console him, Hill said: "Thanks, buddy. What’s your name?"
Other students, such as junior Chaz Tyler Farrish, have made attempts to skirt the new rules. Farrish, a member of the Duke Men’s Lacrosse team, pulled out what looked like two extremely small deflated clown balloons from a silver packet in his khakis during the recent ACC Tournament. Farrish then blew up the balloons, which revealed lettering on the side that read: RAPE CONDOM.
While this sounds like a extremely rare case of the man keeping the man down, a class of 1963 Duke alum came forward to side with the ban. "I agree, these Trust Fund Sticks have to go, these kids have to learn not to rely on their trust funds, never mind flaunting them," said Whitlock Morganfrost. "My trust fund actually ran out a year ago, now I?m living off my back up trust fund and had to sell my three houses in Vail just to scrape by for my remaining years."
In a related story, ESPN has ordered Dick Vitale to cover up a recently inked tatoo on his bald head of Mike Krzyzewski’s face.