Sports Hernia Blog

Tiger no match for Zach Johnson, Jesus…

Zach_johnson_gets_lift_from_jesus "Being Easter, Jesus was with me every step of the way. I felt Him." –Zach Johnson

(AUGUSTA, GA) ? When all was said and done on Easter Sunday, Tiger Woods and the rest of the field at Augusta stood no chance against Zach Johnson and his secret weapon, Jesus Christ.  Jesus, a huge sports fan, ditched thousands of church ceremonies as well as some work helping starved children in Ethiopia, opting instead to help Johnson beat noted pagan, Tiger Woods for his first Masters win.

The day got off to a rough start, as Jesus was not let on the course due to Augusta?s strict ‘no sandals’ policy (being Jewish didn?t help matters either). But after a few awkward minutes, officials conceded to let the robe-wearing savior on the course, supplying him with a pair of Hush Puppies. Once on the course, Jesus stole the show, immediately relieving Zach Johnson?s caddy of his duties, levitating his bag, and turning everyone?s water into wine.  Later, while walking down the 18th fairway, Jesus was seen mocking Tiger Woods signature fist-pump, much to the delight of the gallery.

A surprisingly candid Jesus was later heard making jokes with the packed gallery, at one point comparing Tiger’s black outfit to something Satan wore during a weekly Heaven/Hell skins game back in ’02 at the exclusive Gates of Heaven Country Club, a match that Zach will surely try to get in on when he dies and heads to Heaven.  With the match well in hand, Jesus was then overheard making a quick call on his cell phone to God: ?Hey, Pops, how about a little help with the weather?  It?s bad enough I?m stuck in Augusta, but it?s 40 degrees and I?m only wearing a robe here.?

The day wasn’t without controversy however, as a surging Stuart Appleby was mysteriously knocked unconscious by a rogue lightning bolt and Ratief Goosen was swept down a stream that suddenly turned into a raging river as he searched for a stray drive.  When asked about the incidents, J.C. simply shrugged his shoulders and revealed a coy smile.

***Notes: Jesus, the consummate jokster, had earlier guided a 102-year-old woman’s ball for a hole-in-one just to take some golf headlines away from Zach.

9 Comments

  1. Vijay

    April 9, 2007 at 9:48 pm

    Zach’s going to be in biiiig trouble when I call for the help of all of my gods.

  2. YL Adam

    April 10, 2007 at 1:19 am

    Could God design a golf hole so long, that not even he could drive the green?

  3. Jack Cobra

    April 10, 2007 at 10:22 am

    My friend and I had the following text message exchange:

    Him: I didn’t see Jesus at Augusta today. Did I miss him?

    Me: Maybe he was there this morning and then had to run some errands?

  4. Emeri

    October 3, 2007 at 2:11 am

    How dare you!? thats sad/sick! its not funny!! why would u do that?! whatever ur doing or trying to prove, wont work! all you people and your comments! what did Jesus ever do to you, that makes you make fun?! Jesus loves everybody, but dont be cruel & mean!! cause when He comes, you better be prepared! its called a fear of God people!!

  5. Emeri

    October 3, 2007 at 2:12 am

    How dare you!? thats sad/sick! its not funny!! why would u do that?! whatever ur doing or trying to prove, wont work! all you people and your comments! what did Jesus ever do to you, that makes you make fun?! Jesus loves everybody, but dont be cruel & mean!! cause when He comes, you better be prepared! its called a fear of God people!!

  6. Emeri

    October 3, 2007 at 2:12 am

    How dare you!? thats sad/sick! its not funny!! why would u do that?! whatever ur doing or trying to prove, wont work! all you people and your comments! what did Jesus ever do to you, that makes you make fun?! Jesus loves everybody, but dont be cruel & mean!! cause when He comes, you better be prepared! its called a fear of God people!!

  7. Emeri

    October 3, 2007 at 2:12 am

    How dare you!? thats sad/sick! its not funny!! why would u do that?! whatever ur doing or trying to prove, wont work! all you people and your comments! what did Jesus ever do to you, that makes you make fun?! Jesus loves everybody, but dont be cruel & mean!! cause when He comes, you better be prepared! its called a fear of God people!!

  8. Kolten

    April 24, 2008 at 11:18 am

    Agreed. Theres not much that needs to be said. It is clearly written in scripture That those who deny Christ will not enter the Kingdome, and those who speak blashpemy of Christ also will not enter the Kingdome of Heaven. Unless of course you Repent. Like Emeri said, Jesus loves us all, thats why he gave every drop of blood for our sins. one drop would have done it but he gave it all. be careful at who you make fun of or threaten. Jesus will come soon, and you will regret it. This is the truth that i speak. Know your place. Seek Christ. or one day in hell you will be wishing you would have listened.

  9. TSH

    April 24, 2008 at 12:49 pm

    Kolten,

    I hate to call you out your statement is inaccurate: We wrote this and have actually already been to the Kingdome a few times.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdome

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