Sports Hernia Blog

Warning: NBA Playoffs spoiler

The increasingly crafty Hernia mole got his hands on a time machine and was able to get a glimpse into later games of this year’s NBA Playoffs. Besides letting us know that by the time the playoffs end we will all be riding hover boards and eating Soilent Green, he also gave us these tidbits:

April 26 ? Excessive pre-game hugs, high fives, chest bumps, complicated handshakes, ass squeezes, and jersey exchanges between New Jersey and Toronto leads to mass confusion among fans and referees, leading to the first canceled game in playoff history.

April 27 ?
With co-conspirator Mr. Fuji distracting the referees, Joey Crawford emerges from under the scorer?s table and blindsides Tim Duncan with a steel chair before scurrying away through the tunnel.

April 27 ? TNT wisely changes NBA playoff promo from "40 games, 40 nights" to "40 games, 40 weeks".

April 28 ? Gilbert Arenas wears down LeBron in 26-hour PS2 face-off, leading to three straight Wizard victories and carpel tunnel syndrome for LeBron.

April 28 ? Shaq plays entire 3rd quarter with frightened Miami Heat Dancer inside his shorts.

April 29 ? Entire Jazz lineup suddenly sprouts mohawks.

April 30 ? Rafer Alston gets trapped in Carlos Boozer’s chest hair as the power forward takes a charge. Game is delayed 20 minutes while officials untangle him.

May 1 ?
Following direct orders, one of Stern?s stooges strategically places Caesar the Dog Whisperer next to the unpredictable Mark Cuban for Game 3 at Golden State.

May 1 ? Kobe burns crucial time-out so he can re-apply makeup to Rick Fox’s face.

May 2 ? Steve Nash licks fingers, tucks hair behind ears.

May 2 ? Frustrated by his poor play in Game 4, Dirk Nowitzki rips off Baron Davis? ?Others? beard, quickly turning the series around for Dallas.

May 3
? Following a thunderous introduction, Powder throws up ceremonial tip before Game 4 in Utah.

May 4 ? Manu Ginobili’s unbathed toxic armpits leads to four straight wins over dazed Nuggets.

May 5 ? Coach Larry Frank attempts to raise locker room intensity by blaring Bruce Springstein’s "Secret Garden".

May 7 ? Odd halftime show in Orlando features Jameer Nelson getting a new tattoo at center court while Grant Hill plays the piano.

May 9 ?
Darko gets revenge on the Pistons during an impromptu night game in Transylvania as he drinks the blood of every assistant Detroit coach as well as a vacationing Larry Brown.

May 10 ? By viewers request, TNT extends Ernie, Barkley, and Kenny time to 180 minutes while occasionally flashing scores at the bottom of the screen.

May 11 ? Steve Nash licks fingers, tucks hair behind ears.

May 11 ? Suns play the entire first quarter of Game 3 on roller skates before officials notice.

May 13 ? Sensing the end is near, Zen Master Phil Jackson coaches Game 6 in his sleek elimination kimono.

May 15 ? In series clinching game, Yao playfully draws a cartoon penis on top of Jeff Van Gundy’s dome (similar to when Emmitt Smith messed up Jimmy Johnson’s hair).

May 26 ? Orlando and Detroit surpass the 250-point barrier for the entire series in Game 7. NBA Action, it’s fantastic.

June 10
? In a rather subtle move, TNT replaces Mike Fratello and Dick Stockton with Captain Mauser and the Crypt Keeper.

June 15 ? Mike Breen lauds scrappy white role player for his ?hard work?, ?dedication? and ?smarts?.

July 7 ? Steve Nash licks fingers, tucks hair behind ears.

August 30 ? Before tip-off of the NBA Finals, Dick Bavetta rips off bald cap, revealing glorious Sikma-styled perm.


  1. JoeD

    April 25, 2007 at 12:42 pm

    I freakin’ knew Bavetta was wearing a bald cap.

  2. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    April 26, 2007 at 3:49 pm

    “Suns play the entire first quarter of Game 3 on roller skates before officials notice”

    that was wonderful, LOL

    on a side note, do you guys REALLY think that Sikma had a perm? I’m pretty sure his hair was natural. Wasn’t he also known as Jack “the natural” Sikma during his wrestler career?

  3. The Sports Hernia

    April 26, 2007 at 4:12 pm

    Hey Ricky – we don’t know if it was a perm, we just HOPE it was.

    Either way, the fact that his Perm franchise hasn’t made it’s way to New York yet is downright depressing.

  4. Joe

    October 1, 2008 at 2:00 pm

    I like the Powder pic.

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