- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly argues over an eggplant, a peach and a smiley face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
- LeBron’s Wild Hairline Fits Larry O’Brien Trophy … and a Chew Toy
- “Danny Farts Ball” Video Has 500K Views
SportsCenter anchors go 30 seconds without making horrible joke; Execs panic, bring in Jim Breuer
- Updated: May 17, 2007
(BRISTOL, CT) — Viewers across the nation were stunned yesterday after both SportsCenter anchors doing the 11p.m. show went an entire 30 seconds without making a horrible joke or doing a shitty impression, the longest such drought since a 1988 broadcast that was hosted by wild man Bob Ley and Robin Roberts. ESPN big wigs watching at home and behind the cameras quickly shat their Dockers when they realized what had just happened and immediately called an emergency meeting as producers quickly cut to a rapid-fire loop of non-stop Stuart Scott "Boo-yas!!".
Fearing they would lose the crucial "9 to 17 year old/ A.D.D./ SlimJim/ scrotum waxing/moron" market segment if more hi-lights accompanied by relevant statistics were actually shown, execs were left scrambling for something to stop the bleeding. After initially discussing an idea involving a simultaneous split-screen that would show a man getting kicked in the nuts repetitively throughout the entire show, they finally agreed on just bringing in a new, edgier anchor. While names like Carrot Top, Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia and ‘that sound effects dude from Police Academy’ were bandied about, in the end they settled on former SNL journeyman-spazz Jim Breuer. Clearly excited for his first show, Breuer made himself at home, dressing in his legendary "GoatBoy" costume and sporadically trying to suck on Linda Cohen’s nipples between NBA playoff hi-lights.
Sources would not confirm if ESPN had indeed contacted Jim Carrey about a possible guest spot where he would host the entire show doing his talking anus routine.