Sports Hernia Blog

The All-Time NBA Pretty Boys (Part Deux)

Important note before reading:  Sam Cassell, Scottie Pippen, Charlie Villanueva and Sheldon Williams were all taken out of consideration after they were spotted in the Star-Wars bar on Tatooine last weekend. Enjoy part two.

Greg Ostertag
Ostertag in one of many career defining moments

After nearly a decade of hearing "will he or won’t he?" Big Greg made the world’s male population weep after finally gracing the cover of PlayGirl in 1999, changing the very meaning of sex forever, with some even claiming he was responsible for the sudden spike in the national divorce rate. He further cemented his notorious dirty boy image after making a surprise appearance on Centers Gone Wild, leaving a filthy, lasting impression on college co-eds across the country.

Inspired by Chet from Weird Science, Ostertag sent NBA fashion forward after debuting his signature "army buzz/indian scalp" haircut, sending a reeling Allen Iverson and Latrell Sprewell back to the drawing board. Whether it was rubbing a groupies face into his cleavage, or hiding a couple of chicks in his armpits on the team bus, the playful Ostertag had that rare, unteachable bar room charisma.

Bryant Reeves
Big Country seen here tucking groupie phone numbers under his wristband

Reeves, along with Mueresan and Ostertag, formed what NBA groupies referred to as the Big Bermuda Triangle, named because once you got near any of them, their sex prowess pulled you in like metal to Magneto and you didn’t return for near a fortnight.  It is said that Reeves had to flee his native Oklahoma because wherever he went (namely, state fairs), a girl in a checkered shirt and cutoff jeans would inevitably place a blue ribbon on his chest.  By age 9, his mother started using the fabric from these ribbons to stitch his signature "Blue-Ya" silky suits. 

Reeves, a notorious fashion whore, became the first player ever to play a full NBA season in his stylish cowboy boots.  Sadly though, Big Country’s career ended on a tragic note, when he was gang-raped by the entire Detroit Shock team in a Ramada Inn jacuzzi.

Danny Schayes
The timeless painting (left) continues to print in mass production

Schayes-Mania reached it’s zenith in 1988 when he single-handedly forced a stoppage in play twice in the same quarter. The first delay of game occurred when his relentless body hair poked through both sides of his Nuggets uniform, causing the number on his jersey to be completely distorted, forcing referees with no choice but to blow the whistle.

The second stoppage in play came immediately after the first. As a shirtless Schayes removed the problematic traditional team jersey, the entire court and Schayes himself were showered with panties and bras thrown by both women and men in attendance, leading to the first and only appearance by a Zamboni in an NBA game. Following the commotion, the stoic ass whisperer was provided with a hair-proof jersey created by the team trainer, made entirely of bubble wrap.

To this day, no one has dared attempt the shoulder hair look Schayes once flaunted during his career, as the legions of swarming women and crash and burn lifestyle would be far too steep a price.

Tyrone Hill
Hill just moments after smoking 16 cigars

Known by many groupies as "cigar hands", it’s clear to those in the know that Ty’s silky smooth touch wasn’t just limited to his dominating days in the paint. Notorious for spending his off-seasons avoiding Oakley and chasing ass across all 50 states, Hill went on to form the now legendary Mount Blushmore, taking George Washington’s likeness, accompanied by frighteningly handsome underlings in Calvin Booth, Ervin Johnson, and Steve Francis. Ever the consummate showman, legend has it Hill once smoked 16 stogies at once, with 12 cigars comfortably in his mouth and 4 others puffing away through his roomy nostrils, the impressive stunt led to a complimentary 45-minute lap dance.

Finally overwhelmed by the spotlight, a desperate Hill famously shaved his head after the sight of his glistening jerri-curls falling over his ruggedly handsome face like a dazzling waterfall, sparked a deadly lady stampede at a Wisconsin mall.

Dwayne Schintzius
Shinbone kept pretend pretty boys like Rony Seikaly up at night

Shintzius, the quintessential southern bad boy oozed a sex appeal that was only magnified by his transcendent mullet that seemed to stare straight into one’s soul and whisper "try me".  But, there was a dark side to his beauty. After only 8 seasons, Shinbone had already permanently blinded 23 players with his trademark "horse whip spin move" in the post, as his mullet would swing violently in the air, scratching the cornea of his defender. It was this disgusting, violent whip that led to the popular goggle era in the NBA as well as the rough sex era of the 90’s.

Sources say his stint as a model for Hugo Boss was short-lived after an entire camera crew passed out when they first laid eyes on Shinbone in a suit. Schintzius’ breathtaking headshot can still be seen on the walls of mall haircut joints across America.


The All-Time NBA Pretty Boys (Part 1)


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *