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Essential viewing tips for the NHL Draft
- Updated: June 21, 2007
With the NHL Draft making it’s way to prime time this year, it is almost certain to be packed with huge talent,
surprising trades, blindsiding twists and heartwrenching trials. To
prepare you for this La-Z-Boy rollercoaster ride, the Sports Hernia
offers these insightful tips:
– First off, make sure you have the Ukrainian Home Cooking Network on your local cable.
– Take your Flow Bee and throw it out the window. This is going to get ugly.
– Have a pair of recently worn hockey gloves nearby to revive you throughout the night.
– To keep the good vibe going, paint your nails black, blast some Queensryche, and tell your parents you hate them.
– Shout out some racial slurs every now and then, no one will be offended.
– To impress all the chicks in the room, say "That name will get you a lot of points in Scrabble!" after every Russian player taken.
– Every time a team is announced that you didn’t know existed, ie: the Minnesota Wild, punch yourself in the face (stop after 10 teams).
– Hockey players generally aren’t known for their tact, so go rape something.
– Remember to thank Jesus at some point for not having Stuart Scott in the broadcast.
– To help stave off the inevitable boredom, shave all your body hair and glue it to your face.
– Whoever forgets to bring the dip gets McSorleyed.
– Acknowledge that at least one of these dudes has porked your girlfriend when you were on vacation.
– Do a shot of Beefeater every time you see a missing tooth.
– Pretend someone chained you up and threw you in Crystal Lake. Then scare the shit out of nearby campers.
– Staple your Brian Engblom replica wig to the wall and tell friends you hunted it yourself.
– Anytime Mike Keenan appears, berate yourself.
– Slick your hair back like Barry Melrose and add an ‘ie’ or ‘y’ to everyone’s name in the room when speaking.
– While packaging up that box of shit for Bettman, send some hate email too.
– To spice things up a bit, line the perimeter of your TV with gasoline and light it.
– Remind yourself this is indeed a hockey draft when you see the baseball mitts under Brett Hull’s eyes.
– Every time they show Lou Lamoriello, remind yourself that he’s the reason why playing hockey on Sega Genesis is more entertaining than actual hockey.