Sports Hernia Blog

Interesting NFL off-season workout routines

Ben_roethlisberger_fathead_3

With training camps beginning to open this week the Hernia decided to take
a quick look at the off-season to see who’s been working out the
hardest and what it is that these players, coaches, and even one ref, do to get prepared for the season ahead.

Ben Roethlisberger
6am:  Peel ‘Ben Fathead’ off wall, place Fathead in seat across kitchen table
6:30am:  Breakfast with Fathead
7am:  Place Fathead back on wall while speaking to it in baby voice
7:30am:  Store remaining pancakes, omelettes and muffins in cheeks
8am:  Start motorcycle, place brain in sidecar

Terrell Owens
6am:  Wake up, stare at abs
7am:  Cry like Patrick Ewing sweats
8am:  Take pill, call publicist for reassurance
9am:  Phone sex with Drew Rosenhaus
12pm:  Accuse someone of being gay
1pm:  Call press conference to rescind gay comments

Ricky Williams
5am:  Wake up, do Yoga, eat hemp shorts off body in Stoned Dog position
8am:  Eat Funyons and Cheetos
9am:  Talk to bong with helmet on for 3 hours
12pm:  Call psychiatrist

Bill Belichick
7am-9am:  Stand in front of closet and struggle to find perfect sweatshirt-sweatpants combination
10am-11am:  Carefully trim off sleeves halfway up forearms of chosen sweatshirt
11am-11pm:  Watch game film
11pm-11:02pm:  Have sex with married woman

Tom Brady
8am:  Mix in "Morning After" pill with omelette made for whatever model woke in bed that morning
9am:  Have someone from NFL Countdown wax
balls
10am:  Wax chest
11am:  Meet with press, say "Aw shucks" alot
12pm:  Go to photo-shoot, take shirt off, get pictures taken with shirt off and Brazilian model will bang you later that night

Marvin Lewis
5am:  Wake up, check police blotter
5:15am:  Go back to sleep
7am:  Wake up, check police blotter, head to film room
11am:  Emerge from film room, check police blotter, have lunch
2pm:  Shower, head to police station to bail someone out
4pm:  Hold press conference to suspend player, apologize to fans
5pm:  Check police blotter, hold another press conference, apologize to fans

Kurt Warner
5am:  Wake up and serve breakfast to wife off of perfectly trimmed flat-top
8am:  Play Madden ’08 using Tom Brady as QB
11am:  Trim wife’s flat-top
12pm:  Attempt to put Super Bowl ring around
penis
1pm:  Call Satan to find out
what happened to your deal

Eli Manning
8am:  Wake up, practice crumpling to the ground on goose feathered mattress (100 reps, 3 sets)
9am:  Build arm strength by patting self on back (50 reps, 10 sets)
11am:  Go to SuperCuts, ask for "lamest haircut possible"
12pm:  Lunch with Frank Stallone, Jeremy Giambi and Mike Maddux

Kelvin Winslow Jr.
8am:  Wake up and pray for another year at Miami
10am:  Hit pool and work on tan before heading to the shittiest weather in America
11am:  Ride motorcycle to end of driveway and back, repeat 50 times
12pm:  Conference call with Ben Roethlisberger, Jay Williams and LaVar Arrington

Brian Urlacher
7am:  50 curls (3 sets) of whichever two Hooters waitresses were found in bed that morning
9am:  Run 50 times into wall

10am:  Take bath in "the clear"
11am:  Throw on the Ultimate Warrior’s entrance music and start tossing appliances out the window

Ed Hochuli
6am:  Bench Press house
7am:  Leg Press house
9am:  Throw house down the street
11am:  Box kangaroo
12pm:  Lunch (Gasoline, Valvoline, 50 eggs)

9 Comments

  1. Von Kaiser

    July 25, 2007 at 10:34 am

    Brian Urlacher
    12pm: Throw on own #54 jersey that says “Hilton” on the back

  2. Squigg

    July 25, 2007 at 10:40 am

    I am sure it’s just assumed as being all day long, but you failed to mention at what point Ricky Williams actually SMOKES the twizzle.
    Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a cheech and chong movie mixed in there at some point.

  3. kate

    July 25, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    on the tom brady one you forgot puts on yankees cap while getting balls waxed lol

  4. kate

    July 25, 2007 at 1:35 pm

    on the tom brady one you forgot puts on yankees cap while getting balls waxed lol

  5. Joshua

    July 25, 2007 at 3:27 pm

    Hey Moron, its not Kelvin Winslow Jr. Its Kellin Winslow Jr, and what’s with the Urlacher on steroids crap. You should’ve mentioned something about deleting dirty texts off of his phone.

  6. The Sports Hernia

    July 25, 2007 at 3:32 pm

    Actually young Joshua, it’s Kellen, not Kellin.

    And until his play on the field proves to be more exciting than him trying to ride a motorcycle, he’s Kelvin to us.

  7. The Balls

    July 25, 2007 at 8:54 pm

    Ed Hochuli got thrown out of a bar last week for stuffing three patrons and a live chicken into his pint glass of whiskey and then chugging the whole thing.

  8. mike

    July 26, 2007 at 12:28 am

    you really think Bellicheck can last 2 whole minutes?

  9. Nicky P

    July 26, 2007 at 12:40 am

    This is the funniest f***ing sports blog I’ve ever read. Keep the posts coming!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>