Sports Hernia Blog

Beckham Debut Ends in Horror…

(LOS ANGELES, CA) — David Beckham’s American soccer debut ended in shock Saturday night.  Here is a look at what transpired leading up to the disaster.

5:40 pm – Beckham breaks out "Blue Steel" just minutes into the game. Clearly he’s playing for keeps.  13-year old girls and their moms (and their gay cousins) start rioting in the stands.  36 fans are trampled to death within minutes.

5:45pm – Victoria Beckham, seen here just minutes before the sheer weight of her sunglasses propel her forward and flying over the luxury box balcony.  Amazingly, she survives the 45-foot drop by landing squarely on her industrial strength rubber tits.

5:52 pm – ESPN’s first of 150 painful interviews of the night.  Strangely, it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt (left) that is interviewing Bonnie Bernstein. Oh how her star has fallen. (Sidenote: 3 million die-hard soccer fans just simultaneously threw up in their mouths).

5:58 pm – ESPN sideline reporter Allan Hopkins is paralyzed for life as producers inform him Beckham is giving him Blue Steel from directly behind.

6:04 pm – Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suddenly realizes he’s not at a Raiders game.

6:20 pm – Beckham mixes it up as he walks off for halftime, flashing "Le Tigre" to the adoring masses. Twenty-three more fans are immediately trampled to death.

6:23 pm – ESPN soccer analyst and ruiner of FIFA 2000, Julie Foudy, adding absolutely nothing to the broadcast while apparently chewing on a meatball sub.

6:25 pm – Sting..err, I mean Eric Wynalda (far right), takes time to eye-fuck the shit out of the camera, as Tommy Smyth (left) and what appears to be a funeral director, analyze the first half.

(Wynalda’s inner monologue: "Is it possible I’m too sexy? Could it be? I’ve heard it possible. God, I’m dangerous… Maybe I should take my shirt off. Would that make you uncomfortable?? It is hot up here.")

6:30 pm – A giddy LA Galaxy GM, Alexei Lalas, receives word he’s just been inducted into the Douchebag Hall of Fame.

7:10 pm – Yes, all the stars are out tonight. Even "Number 5" from the 80’s hit "Short Circuit" makes a brief appearance (seen here hovering over the field).

7:11 pm – Beckham, whose right eyebrow was awkwardly frozen 3 feet above his eye during a botched botox operation, unveils "Magnum", a clear signal to his coach that he is ready to go in.

7:14 pm – The crowd erupts into a frenzy as Beckham makes his way onto the pitch.  Even Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise (who already has a more expensive haircut than you do) are seen rejoicing.  Sadly, Suri is abducted shortly after this photo is taken by the alien seen directly behind her.

7:15 pm – The game ends in stunning fashion as Beckham collapses, hiding his face in shame after realizing he applied the wrong mousse to his hair during halftime.  He remains motionless for several minutes before eventually being carried off by teammates and coaches.


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