Contador denies winning Tour de France to avoid doping allegations

Contador, seen here screaming "Get this jersey off me!" while trying to ride fast enough so it will peel away from his flesh.   

Tour de France winner Alberto Contador denied accusations that he
came in first place in the world’s most prestigious cycling event, as winning the race has become the ultimate litmus test for doping.

"That was not me who came in first, despite what you may or may not have seen," Contador said vehemently.  "I am a clean loser."

Sources say the Spaniard was ecstatic to remain in second and not fall into the ultimate Catch-22 situation of winning the event, when former leader Michael Rasmussen’s own team ousted him just five days from the finish.

"!Hijo de puta!" Contador was reportedly heard screaming following the news of Rasmussen’s demise. 

After reluctantly crossing the finish line for the Discovery Channel Team, Contador went on to claim he was just an actor filming the final scene of the "Breaking Away" re-make — in a clearly, desperate plea.

"No, en serio.  I’m serious.  It stars, Jimmy Fallon, Adam Sandler and uh… Rob Schneider."

7 Comments