Sports Hernia Blog

ESPN and US Weekly officially trade writers

(BRISTOL, CT) — While this news may not come as a surprise to many,
ESPN made it official yesterday announcing they recently traded their entire
writing staff to popular gossip magazine US Weekly in exchange for good
ideas.  Negotiations had been going at a snail’s pace for nearly a month
until 21-year old intern Sally Schmirkowitz sent Stu Scott an email
suggesting what is now known as the ultra painful "Who’s Now" segment,
easily eclipsing such blatant disasters as "HearSay" and the riveting "Budweiser
Cock Seat."

I said was ‘Matt Leinert is so hot, he’s much cooler than Tiger,’ " explained Schmirkowitz.  "I had
no idea they’d turn that into such a gigantic production."

Clearly underestimating the power of doucheness, the Worldwide Leader quickly created a tournament called "Who’s Now" where they discuss the athlete’s level of "juiciness" off the field as well as an occasional mention of what sport they play, and then vote on a winner after the panel discusses in-depth how many slags they’ve boned and what celebrity status those slags fall under.

Perhaps the most surprising part of this news is that ESPN actually had writers.

Here’s a look at the highlights from the Tiger Woods vs. Matt Leinart "Who’s Now" match-up.

Is this a video game?  Ideally it’s some kind of fight tournament and by the looks of it, it appears Tiger’s golf club has been cleared as a legal weapon while Leinart has been cleared to fight with his pads on.  Definitely had promise, but it was not to be.  Seriously, this looks like Marvel vs. Capcom.  Up next: LaDanian Tomlinson vs. Sub-Mariner. 


Stu Scott, eager to get the action going, puckers up for the ensuing verbal ass massage he’s about to give "Who’s Now" top seed Woods and frisky #8 seed Leinart.  ESPN also fails to instruct the viewer here to a text a picture of their dong if they’re voting for Sean Salisbury.

Stu Scott, now accompanied by Keyshawn Johnson (who’s no longer Now – insert Nelson laugh here), Kirk Hirbstreit and Michael Wilbon, begins painful masturbation session as the panel gleefully looks on.

"Well Leinart once dated Paris Hilton," Stu would later say.  "And don’t forget Jessica Simpson’s
personal assistant, CaCee Cobb.  Dated her too.