Sports Hernia Blog

Report: Everything Sucks…

Everything_sucks_bonds_donaghy_vi_2

(NEW YORK, NY) — A stunning development in the world of sports today, as The New York Times, The Washington Post, The L.A. Times, The Boston Globe, The Detroit Free Press, The Chicago Tribune, The USA Today, The Wall Street Journal, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Sacramento Bee, The Denver Post, The Sheboygan Press, The Christian Science Monitor, The Kennedy High School Record, that creepy guy who hangs down at the bus station, Larry from Fitzpatrick’s Pub on Oak St., that dude in the office that’s always in the bathroom, your dad, and 3 out of 4 non-brain dead people in America all reported that "everything sucks" in sports today.

"I mean, this just sucks" reported this dude from his couch, "I mean, really.  Everything juuuust sucks right now.  You got Bonds breaking Aaron’s record, which is a joke.  Then you got this Donaghy guy confirming what everyone already knew about the NBA; that it sucks AND is fixed, with that smug turtle Stern giving us the usual crap."

"And then this Vick crap comes out. I mean Jeeeesus, if half of it is true, they gotta neuter his ass.  Plus this Tic-Toc, Tu-Puck, or Ms. Pac-Man, whatever the hell his name is, c’mon!" the dude continued.  "And don’t even get me started on the NHL and that demented little squirrel Bettman and this two-hand touch league they got going now, huh-ohhh!!"

Amazingly, the only news source in the United States to report anything to the contrary was ESPN.com, which stated everything was "just great."

18 Comments

  1. Scrap

    July 27, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    Post of the year.

  2. Von Kaiser

    July 27, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    The drunk guy on the subway this morning also accurately reported that everything sucks

  3. Marv

    July 27, 2007 at 5:29 pm

    Seriously…

    Have a great weekend!

  4. Bobby Stills

    July 27, 2007 at 5:34 pm

    Actually some douchebag on the subway typing in his Blackberry spoke in defense of everything sucking, citing Federrer’s domination in tennis as a bright spot for sports until someone swiftly hit him over the head with the drunk guy’s bag of unopened soup cans.

  5. sleek miik

    July 27, 2007 at 5:35 pm

    don’t forget the dopers on the Tour de France. That has totally sucked.

  6. TheBusiness

    July 27, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    My Grandpa just said to me, “C’mere son.”
    Then he pulled me in close and whispered, “Everything sucks.”

  7. TR

    July 27, 2007 at 5:36 pm

    F’ing awesome.

  8. Hoss Wheelbarrow, world's biggest Texans fan

    July 28, 2007 at 1:29 pm

    I been tellin’ ‘yas fa munths ‘dat evry’ding sux, ‘specially ‘dem dam Texans.

  9. The Sports Hernia

    July 28, 2007 at 1:50 pm

    DFDF,

    Thanks for taking the time to offer so many different choices.

    However, we’re quite torn between “gaylatinopornmovies.blogbugs.org” and “gaybearpornmovies.blogbugs.org”

  10. Kyle

    July 28, 2007 at 4:59 pm

    more from another sucky week in sports on not the game.

    http://www.notthegame.com

  11. Jose

    July 28, 2007 at 11:31 pm

    Demoralizing? Insane? And frankly, it’s only getting worse for MLB. Ugly, ugly, ugly for all the 4 major sports. And Tiger’s not winning anything either. Wow …

  12. Beto

    July 29, 2007 at 12:13 am

    At least we now have Beckham… =(

  13. Yiddish Steel

    July 29, 2007 at 12:57 am

    Since damn-near everything in sports is on the pacifier, i’ve been forced to watch the MLS to deal with it all, and let me tell you, it’s been good; I like it. I’d like to thank Time-Warner Cable for giving me the MLS Goal! Package for free for bitching about the Soprano’s sucking ass and canceling my HBO.

  14. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    July 29, 2007 at 1:36 pm

    totally disagree

    according to many fellas of mine in the NJ/Philly area this is a great moment for many sports, and mainly for making some money out of sports

    hundreds of fellow guidos in Sicily told me they are on the same page, and would like to advise the Sportshernia that their “everything sucks” campaign IS NOT appreciated there…

    now you guys decide how to behave after this FRIENDLY message

    regards (and kisses) from the Gambino family

  15. SportSavvy

    July 30, 2007 at 10:03 pm

    Genius, puuuuure, genius.

  16. arschfick

    November 15, 2007 at 5:44 pm

  17. frauen

    April 2, 2008 at 7:45 am

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