Sports Hernia Blog

The Essential Fantasy Football Draft Tips

Fantasyfootballdraft_disaster
Fantasy drafter Joel Perkins seen here just moments after draft robot accidentally takes a kicker in Round 2.

– If the current champion of your league keeps bragging about how smart he is, remind him that he hasn’t gotten laid in 3 years.  This should shut him up.

– When trying to come up with a good team name, think of something that reflects your personality, like "the whining vaginas" or "the unbearable douchebags."

– If you’re doing your draft at a bar, don’t even bother to hide your ESPN phone when a female walks by, you never had a chance anyway.

– Try to resist drafting your personal mancrush several rounds too early, a good Fantasy GM never lets his latent homosexuality get in the way of constructing a good, balanced team.

– If you’ve sent Bill Simmons a question for his mailbag on who your keepers should be, and especially if it ends with "What would the Sports Guy do?", please fill your bath tub with cement and take a nap in it.

– When posting your well thought out zinger on the league message board, make sure you reference someone’s mom and use lots and lots of exclamation points.

– If you name your team after your favorite NFL team, and then draft only players from that team, you’re probably a Jets fan, and we’re all glad you’re playing, we need more idiots like you.

– When coming up with a team logo, make sure its a gratuitous picture of a woman’s body part (like Vida Guerra’s ass or Jessica Simpson’s tits), this will convince everyone in the league you are a real ladies man and not an enormous loser.

– If you blame the draft robot for messing up your draft every year, try spending a few bucks and upgrading from that dial-up connection and Commodore 64, you penny pinching whore.

– Start making a list now of your 15 favorite team names since you’ll be changing it once a week anyway you annoying, indecisive dickhead.

– If you were last year’s champion be sure to create a plastic championship belt and carry it around like Rasheed Wallace, everyone
will respect you.

– If you draft a Falcon, Jet or Raider in the first round, make sure to give yourself a vasectomy afterwards.

– Laugh uncontrollably at the first defense taken, even if the pick makes sense.

– Scream "Gramatica!" as loud as you can every time a kicker is taken, even if your draft is being done on-line.

– Be sure to make an arrest joke after the first Bengal is drafted, because that will be funny.

– If you purchased a fantasy draft magazine in June, you probably also have cheat codes for video games.  Just give up.

– If you’re wearing a jersey during your draft, you probably have a mustache too, so no advice here, keep on truckin’.

– If you don’t know anyone in your league, just kill yourself.

27 Comments

  1. Joey Nabs

    August 13, 2007 at 12:08 pm

    – Make sure the Michael Vick joke you make has been said atleast 100 times already

  2. Von Kaiser

    August 13, 2007 at 3:41 pm

    – When picking Eli Manning, try not to spill your Zima

  3. rupertentwistle

    August 14, 2007 at 9:34 am

    I change my team name roughly 12 times per season and then ask everyone how they like my new team name. I can’t even control it anymore.

  4. Frazier

    August 14, 2007 at 11:15 am

    There’s always the guy who offers awful trades too.

    – When offering a terrible trade, be sure to make it a lopsided deal so the other guy will get one player and you will get his entire roster, because that’s definitely not a waste of time.

  5. THE JUICE

    August 14, 2007 at 11:52 am

    I HATE WHEN MY EAGLES “MAN-CRUSH” GETS IN THE WAY OF A PRODUCTIVE DRAFT. I END UP WITH GUYS LIKE REGGIE BROWN AND TODD PINKSTON?

  6. From the ATL

    August 14, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    When the one uber-dork with the color coded Micrsosoft Excel spreadsheet busts out his laptop -do not think, pause, or hesitate, simply punch him directly in the throat.

  7. The Sports Hernia

    August 14, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    Nice additions fellas.

    – When picking your back-up QB, send a dong text to Sean Salisbury

  8. Sam I Am

    August 14, 2007 at 1:13 pm

    – First person to say “He Hate Me” after their self-proclaimed steal of the draft, gets cheese doodles in their ears

  9. Vinnie From Jerz

    August 14, 2007 at 2:02 pm

    Emphatically say “Who?” with a look of bewilderment when the guy who doesn’t follow football picks someone you know he doesn’t know but sees his name in the magazine he picked up on the way to the draft.
    Then when he says the players position and team, shake your head confused, look at your sheet and say “He’s not even on my list.”
    (Even though you wanted to pick him next)

  10. GC

    August 14, 2007 at 2:09 pm

    Make sure you call everyone in the league a homo. It will boost your masculinity and charm the ladies. On that note, if there are women in your league make sure you swear uncontrollably at them during the draft if they take the guy you were going to take. Chicks love that. And then stab yourself in the cranium for allowing a guy’s wife into the league.

  11. WildThing in SJ

    August 14, 2007 at 2:30 pm

    These make me want to join a fantasy football league. But I don’t know how to join one.

  12. Bad Karma

    August 14, 2007 at 4:21 pm

    When the one Raiders fan in the room (there’s always one, isn’t there?) Picks Dante Culpepper with his 2nd pick of the draft and starts screaming “RAIDERZ BABY!!!” at everyone in the room, avoid the temptation to punch him in the nuts. Taking money from douche bags like this is probably the most rewarding part of fantasy football.

  13. steve

    August 14, 2007 at 6:27 pm

    As a reference to the movie “Major Leagues”, do the following: While looking at the draft board, point to one of the players drafted by another team and proclaim, “This guy here is dead!”

  14. gerrard sir hornypants

    August 14, 2007 at 9:44 pm

    these are all gold…

    -No matter how late in the draft it is, resist the Draft Robot’s repeated requests to take you to the Champagne Room this year…

  15. This Friend of Mine

    August 14, 2007 at 11:06 pm

    When the draft is all finished and your looking over your picks, try not to look crushed when you realize all of your starters have the same bye week. Instead, drown your scream of “Oh SH*T!” in a bottle of beer.

  16. Marcus

    August 15, 2007 at 11:16 am

    Who is Ron Paul?

  17. Jason

    August 15, 2007 at 3:15 pm

    Smell My Finger

  18. Beetle

    August 15, 2007 at 3:20 pm

    It’s Ron Paulus you ape, and I’m not smelling anyone’s finger.

  19. Smash

    August 15, 2007 at 5:21 pm

    Always yell “F### You Timpson!” after every he makes!!

  20. Chaz

    August 15, 2007 at 8:38 pm

    Shout “Elvis is the King” every time a Patterson or Grbac is drafted (An oldie but goodie)

  21. Franks & Beans

    August 16, 2007 at 10:26 am

    Never bet your favorite Don Johnson Miami Vice flower shirt on draft day as a wager to your 1st week opponent.

  22. Joefucious

    September 23, 2008 at 11:57 am

    I can’t stand the guys that have no clue but do well because their team stays healthy.

  23. Barry (The Big Dog) Simon

    December 7, 2008 at 5:57 pm

    Plenty of fantasy angst to go around this year. Thanks for expressing it for me…

  24. Manchester United

    March 31, 2009 at 6:01 am

    That’s awesome. I’m so glad you started blogging and that I can call you my friend. Keep posting and I’ll keep reading.

  25. Football Gifts

    March 31, 2009 at 6:06 am

    Nice post. Really I liked it.

    Thanks

  26. Basketball Betting

    March 31, 2009 at 6:18 am

    Excellent information. This sounds exactly like what I’ve been looking for.

  27. HusseinEden

    August 28, 2012 at 8:26 am

    If you are bored of losing money on sport betting then you should change something. If your tipster is not good, or you decide by your own what to bet then it is normal to lose money. Nowadays it is very hard to beat the bookies so try to get the best info and football predictions available. Bultip is the biggest market for sport tips online and you will be able for sure to find a variety of price and options there.

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