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The Essential Fantasy Football Draft Tips
- Updated: August 13, 2007
– If the current champion of your league keeps bragging about how smart he is, remind him that he hasn’t gotten laid in 3 years. This should shut him up.
– When trying to come up with a good team name, think of something that reflects your personality, like "the whining vaginas" or "the unbearable douchebags."
– If you’re doing your draft at a bar, don’t even bother to hide your ESPN phone when a female walks by, you never had a chance anyway.
– Try to resist drafting your personal mancrush several rounds too early, a good Fantasy GM never lets his latent homosexuality get in the way of constructing a good, balanced team.
– If you’ve sent Bill Simmons a question for his mailbag on who your keepers should be, and especially if it ends with "What would the Sports Guy do?", please fill your bath tub with cement and take a nap in it.
– When posting your well thought out zinger on the league message board, make sure you reference someone’s mom and use lots and lots of exclamation points.
– If you name your team after your favorite NFL team, and then draft only players from that team, you’re probably a Jets fan, and we’re all glad you’re playing, we need more idiots like you.
– When coming up with a team logo, make sure its a gratuitous picture of a woman’s body part (like Vida Guerra’s ass or Jessica Simpson’s tits), this will convince everyone in the league you are a real ladies man and not an enormous loser.
– If you blame the draft robot for messing up your draft every year, try spending a few bucks and upgrading from that dial-up connection and Commodore 64, you penny pinching whore.
– Start making a list now of your 15 favorite team names since you’ll be changing it once a week anyway you annoying, indecisive dickhead.
– If you were last year’s champion be sure to create a plastic championship belt and carry it around like Rasheed Wallace, everyone
will respect you.
– If you draft a Falcon, Jet or Raider in the first round, make sure to give yourself a vasectomy afterwards.
– Laugh uncontrollably at the first defense taken, even if the pick makes sense.
– Scream "Gramatica!" as loud as you can every time a kicker is taken, even if your draft is being done on-line.
– Be sure to make an arrest joke after the first Bengal is drafted, because that will be funny.
– If you purchased a fantasy draft magazine in June, you probably also have cheat codes for video games. Just give up.
– If you’re wearing a jersey during your draft, you probably have a mustache too, so no advice here, keep on truckin’.
– If you don’t know anyone in your league, just kill yourself.