Sports Hernia Blog

Fans seeking ownership of Cubs carry long list of annoying changes

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A group known as For Fans Sake is looking to purchase the Chicago Cubs, turning the losing franchise into a publicly owned team much like the Green Bay Packers.  The group, led by some guy who’s clearly watched Little Big League and Rookie of the Year way too many times, has already started spitballing some brilliant ideas.

Here’s a look at some of the proposed changes, although we call for the ‘Harry Caray Glasses’ rule to be implemented immediately.

–  Seating in entire stadium will be composed of bleachers only
–  Every time D. Lee hits a double, the crowd gets a plate of ribs
–  A whiskey-fueled Ditka must sing EVERY 7th inning stretch
–  Urlacher as ball boy
–  $10,000 reward for Bartman’s head (literally)
–  Jeremy Piven will be given the chance to dress players once a week
–  Giant Harry Caray glasses to be worn by all players, including visiting team
–  ‘Prior Arm’ thunder sticks to be handed out during late inning rallies
–  When available, John Cusack will hold a gigantic boombox above his head in the centerfield bleachers while inspiring music blares out
–  In lieu of warming up in the bullpen, pitchers will be treated to an angst-ridden piano ballad by Billy Corgan
–  A beefy, puffy-eyed and aging Vince Vaughn to give the play-by-play call. Dennis Farina to provide color commentary.
–  All home games will be day games, to further bewilder the working public as to how so many people can go to baseball games in the middle of the f’ing day.

3 Comments

  1. Piston Honda

    September 28, 2007 at 1:30 pm

    I’d pay anything to see Corgan depressing the bullpen, or making them angry – either way.

  2. Rupert

    September 29, 2007 at 10:35 am

    Cusack’s “In Your Eyes” serenade is more intimidating than Rivera’s “Enter Sandman” any day.

  3. Jeremy Piven

    October 2, 2007 at 7:46 am

    I would prefer to be the “Ball-Boy”, OK? Get it? “Ball-Boy”. Me. “Ball-Boy”. Oh, fuck you.

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