Sports Hernia Blog

NBA offseason workout routines

Mutombo_cookie_monster_4
Mutombo laughs it up last year shortly after turning the basketball into a cookie.

With NBA training camps opening and the season nearly upon us, we decided to take a quick look at the off-season to see who’s been working out the hardest (read: weirdest) and what it is that these players, and in some cases referees, do to get prepared for the season ahead.

Dikembe Mutombo
10am:  Shop for Industrial Strength tube socks
11am:  Cause earthquake with outrageous laugh
12pm:  Marketing meeting with Chips Ahoy
1pm:  Release dis song about Cookie Monster
2pm:  Dunk planet Earth
3pm:  Reject moon from orbit and wave finger
4pm:  Proudly fold arms in admiration of it all

Kobe Bryant
9am:  Ask self for autograph
10am:  Take Michael Jordan speech inflection classes
12pm:  Stick out jaw, practice Jordan fist pump
1pm:  Shop on Rodeo Drive, buy wife’s love
4pm:  Have conversation with own penis
5pm:  Scour eBay for used Jordan underwear

Grant Hill
7am:  Bubble tape knees and ankles
2pm:  Practice in custom-made pillow enclosed room with Nerf (TM) hoop
2:21pm:  Put muscles through paper shredder
2:30pm:  Have random leg surgery
5:30-11pm:  Freeze legs with carbonite
11pm:  Count money

Joey Crawford
5am:  Shave head
6am:  T’ up wife for bland breakfast
7am:  Arm wrestle Jake O’Donnell
9am:  Play with Hogan and Savage dolls
11am:  Threaten and curse at smiling Tim Duncan FatHead
12pm:  T’ up wife for horrible lunch

Allen Iverson
6am:  Go to bed
7am:  Wake up, eat 16 burritos
8am:  Instruct hair stylist to create backgammon board with cornrows
9am:  Tattoo caricature of Pat Croce on ass
10am:  Install PS2 into basketball, play video games while "practicing"
12pm:  Smoke small country

Stephon Marbury
10am:  Donate a million dollars to worthy charity; make difference in children’s lives
11am:  Take crazy pills
11:21am:  Dance in underwear on Bruce Beck’s lawn
12pm:  Put on Bobby Cremins wig
1pm:  Allow brother Zach
to decorate him with Christmas ornaments
5pm:  Ride sleigh to psychiatrist’s office
6pm:  Eat Super Mario’s Mushroom

Andres Nocioni
9am:  Hunt down boar in woods with bare hands, eat it 
9:15am:  Wash boar down with gasoline/Monster energy drink mix
10am:  Enter Thai kickboxing tournament
12pm:  Chokeslam a school bus
1pm:  Stare Scott Skiles directly in the eyes
2pm:  Look for Laimbeer inside Street Fighter

Latrell Sprewell
2pm:  Wake up
3:30pm:  Wonder if family has eaten yet
3:31pm:  Call agent to find out if any teams have called
3:32pm:  Go to strip joint
6:00pm:  Still wondering if family has been fed, steals Violet’s tips
7:00pm:  Arrive home with three crave cases from White Castle
8:00pm:  Look at picture of yacht while humming theme to Gilligan’s Island
8:15pm:  Choke PJ bobblehead
8:30pm:  Head back to strip club without providing family with dessert
10:30pm:  Check bank statement online, pass out in depression

Scot Pollard
9am:  Wake up, own nails black, paint dog’s nails purple
10am:  Ride flamingo around backyard
12pm:  Watch friends play XBox, wave towel on couch
1pm:  Trade dresses with Rodman
5pm:  Turn on TV to find out new team
12am:  Look to the heavens with arms stretched and bellow "When?! When will I be chosen?!!"

Phil Jackson
9am:  Wake up. Put on Big Chief Trangle head-dress and do naked heat yoga with old friend ‘Walks With Shoulderpads’
12pm:  Go to coffee house, place copy of "Penthouse Letters" inside cover of the Illiad
2pm:  Feed mysterious pet condor
3pm:  Neatly trim flaver saver
4pm:  Take shower, arrogantly get back into bed with Jeannie doing Antoine’s shoulder shimmy

Chris Kaman
8am:  Meet Smeagle at the creek for some breakfast fish
9am:  Shower with unused fish parts
10am:  Play Cowboys and Indians with childhood friends
12pm:  Eat basketball
12:01pm:  Viciously berate self in mirror
3pm:  Take himself for a walk
4pm:  Blast Andrew W.K. anthology
7pm-?:  Rebound

Dick Bavetta
6am:  Wake up under tanning bed with anonymous Playboy bunny
7am:  Race middle-aged overweight garbage man and lose
8am:  Wake up other anonymous Playboy bunny
11am:  Prank Stern at home
12pm:  Spar with Shawn Bradley
1pm:  Strawberry picking with Steve Javie

9 Comments

  1. KENNY

    October 3, 2007 at 4:55 pm

    Mutombo. You gotta love him. He can dunk planet Earth any day he wants.

  2. sleek

    October 3, 2007 at 5:25 pm

    “Watch friends play XBox, wave towel on couch”

  3. Nyer

    October 3, 2007 at 5:30 pm

    “Chris Kaman – 12:01pm: Viciously berate self in mirror”

    Outstanding.

  4. Gerrard Sir Hornypants

    October 3, 2007 at 6:57 pm

    still can’t believe that bonus scene on the Lord of the Rings dvd of Kaman working out at Bally’s Mordor….

  5. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    October 4, 2007 at 5:56 pm

    fantastic

    the Sportshernia at its best

    “2:30pm: Have random leg surgery”: this had me rolling

    (Put Manute & Paul Mokeski in the next post…)

  6. ripped abs

    July 18, 2008 at 2:55 pm

    bonus scene on the Lord of the Rings, what?? nice blog. lol

  7. sara

    November 24, 2009 at 1:50 am

    Thanks for publish my comment..
    sara
    workout routines

  8. sara

    November 24, 2009 at 1:53 am

    Nice blog
    sara
    workout routines

  9. Kick Boxing Johnston

    March 8, 2012 at 10:32 am

    The Kickboxing Tournament is more fun. I just got to say that.

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