Sports Hernia Blog

Fantasy Football Tips for Week 13

If this doesn’t get you amped up for the stretch run, nothing will.

Since our preseason Fantasy Football Tips were so sound, concise, and helpful, and since it’s basically time for that playoff push before millions of geek-hearts are virtually shattered, I think everyone is due for a few fantasy pointers.  Here are 13 tips for Week 13.

1. If your debating on whether to start David Carr or Vinny Testaverde, kill yourself.

2. If you’re not doing the above, but are in a similar predicament with Kellen Clemens and J.P. Losman, go in for a sex change.

3. For a more predictable result of who will get the majority of carries for the Denver Broncos, try kidnapping Mike Shanahan’s children.

4. If you had just picked up Ricky Williams it was probably right after you dropped Priest Holmes, so you’re clearly desperate and out of ideas, just go to the bar and get it over with.

5. Focus on one league this week instead of the nine you joined, three of which are with people you don’t even know, you outrageous loser.

6. If you’ve been making terrible roster decisions all season, change it up a bit, try cleaning the pipes before you set your lineup instead of during.

7. Keep starting Reggie Bush, I’m sure it will happen eventually.

8. If you’re still impressed with yourself after that Alex Smith or Matt Leinart "steal," it may be time to start wearing a helmet, permanently.

9. Stop doing the Eli shoulder shrug after each time you start him, just bench him this week for good you pussy.

10. If you’re wondering why no one is responding to your valid trade offers, try changing your team logo from that camera phone pic of your wang to something slightly more safe for work, like a Bob Ley nip-slip.

11. Trade for Robbie Gould, NOW.  Seeing his ridiculous picture on a regular basis will help your mojo.

12. While it’s pretty cool that Chad Pennington lives in your basement and you guys make forts and play video games all night and stuff, it’s probably time to take him out of your starting line-up.

13. Get your head out of your ass.


  1. Jason R

    November 28, 2007 at 8:31 am

    if you are looking for kicker mojo, go google Jeff Reed party pictures. He’s the patron saint of kicker mojo.

  2. Von Kaiser

    November 28, 2007 at 10:12 am

    Reed rules, but Gould is outrageous in the sense that he looks like was transported directly from the set of a 1950’s sitcom.

  3. Gerrard Sir Hornypants

    November 28, 2007 at 12:20 pm

    Reed looks like a snowboarder in a Playstation game…. amazing!

  4. Jason R

    November 28, 2007 at 1:39 pm

    and yes, my fantasy team name is “The Jeff Reed Experience”. I gotta believe that’s a heckuva a ride with Mr. Reed. Sadly, he shaved his head recently, as I saw him interviewed after the Bog Bowl.

  5. meep

    November 28, 2007 at 5:09 pm

    Mine is “Chris Berman’s sloppy tits”

  6. Gerrard Sir Hornypants

    November 28, 2007 at 7:28 pm

    i don’t know which is more depressing, Reed shaving his head or Kaman’s recent trim job…

  7. Joefucious

    September 23, 2008 at 11:51 am

    I am a big fan of Gould since he went to PSU.

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