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- The Boston Globe Has Officially Stopped Giving A Shit
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Everyone in sports officially “going green”
- Updated: November 12, 2007
Here’s a look at the colorful list of sports personalities who have announced they’re ‘going green,’ and how they plan on doing it.
– Shawn Kemp, Travis Henry, and Willis McGahee pledge to only wear biodegradable condoms if they remember to actually wear them.
– Randy Moss is in full support of "going green," even going so far as
to drive the all-natural van from "Cheech & Chong’s Up in Smoke" to
– The Cincinatti Bengals plan to go green by switching from paper warrants to E-warrants.
– Mel Kiper Jr., in lieu of diesel fuel, plans on using natural buffalo dung to keep hair in perfected "bomb-resistant helmet" look.
– Instead of using toxic paint on field, Browns fans will now crap in both endzones for the team color and use carrots to spell out "Browns."
– In a similar move, Boise State will use blueberries for its noxious field.
– Barry Melrose’s devoted hair stylist will be switching from endangered Alaskan White-tipped whale blubber to Jeremy Roenick spit.
– To reduce unnecessary fuel emissions, the Arizona Cardinals will
no longer travel to games using public bus transportation and will
instead ride their bicycles.
– Ric Bucher will now use orange highlighter to color his face instead of a super-deluxe 185,000-watt tanning bed.
– Olin Kreutz, John Tait and the rest of the Bears O-Line promise to wear the Flatulence Deodorizer to cut down on methane emissions.
– Instead of using excess power and energy for scoreboard lights,
computers, the Jumbotron and other resources needed each Sunday, the
Jets will play the rest of their home games online.
– The "Rays" initially planned to print season tickets on recycled
toilet paper, but in a larger effort, both to save massive amounts of
electricity and more importantly people’s time, they will just cease to
– The Detroit Lions will also support recycling by playing the same
Matt Millen press conference each week instead of wasting everyone’s
time, much in the way they’ve recycled the same draft moves each year.
– X-Games to discontinue "Jackhammer Pogo Rodeo" event on arctic shelf.
– Win or lose, Eagles fans will now simply cut themselves instead of electrocuting themselves.
– The L.A. Clippers will support recycling by replacing their yearly ping pong balls with Shawn Livingston’s kneecaps.
– To prevent dangerous gases from polluting the environment, coach Andy Reid will now stroll the sideline in a gigantic bubble.
– Even though it’s in support of animal rights, Terrell Owens has pledged to ditch all of his fur coats in favor of luxurious jackets made entirely out of crispy green cash.
– In a confusing effort to please the green folks, Al Michaels has completed his transformation to Kermit the Frog.