Sports Hernia Blog

Giants vs. Patriots: A future timeline


With CBS, NBC, NFL Net, A&E, TBS, SpikeTV and Starz all getting the green light to broadcast the highly anticipated Giants-Patriots slurpfest, we decided to spoil the fun a take a look ahead into the announcing orgy set to take place this Saturday night.

8:12pm – NFL Net’s Jamie Dukes gets excited about something.

8:15pm – Moments before kickoff, Esiason breaks into New York’s WWOR 9 local broadcast screaming "watch on CBS!" while occasionally trashing Sam Wyche and pointing to his johnson.

8:19pm – A chilly Joe Thiesmann is spotted in the last row of the upper tier doing an obscure gig for the PBS Sports channel.

8:20pm – CBS cameras pan to Don Shula enjoying first quarter action in one of the luxury boxes while the rest of the ’72 Dolphins sit comfortably in his gut.

8:35pm – Jimmy the Greek and Howard Cosell are seen heatedly debating their anatomy on a broadcast for HellTV.

8:41pm – Outdoor Life Network broadcasts Junior Seau entering the field riding a surf board atop a wave of hair gel.

8:59pm – Phil Simms temporarily short circuits the NBC booth with his industrial strength blow dryer.  A deft Jim Nantz quickly relates this to the time Billy Packer’s gas caused a double forfeit.

9:03pm – NFL Network airs commercial touting the academic credentials of "Rand U."

9:18pm – Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, disguised in Dumb and Dumber tuxes, take
out Bryant Gumbel with their canes while Cris Collinsworth simply rotates his microphone a quarter turn so the Fox emblem now faces the camera.

9:31pm – NBC cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way to the fifth row.

9:32pm – CBS cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way
to the first row.

9:34pm – Game postponed due to Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating Giants.

9:47pm – Lifetime Network airs a montage of NFL wives being beaten and runs it as its latest Lifetime Original movie.

10:00pm – A surprisingly emotional Bill Belichick dumps Gatorade cooler on his players.

10:01pm – Bob Costas flies into each broadcast booth on his Quidditch broomstick.  Shortly after, his attempt at humor once again comes off as slightly angry and highly uncomfortable.

10:06pm – Roger Goodell, seated at the 50-yard line next to Dave Checketts and Powder, gives a wave to the mustache-laden crowd.

10:11pm – Martha Stewart appears at the 30-yard line for HGTV and bakes the shit out of an Angel Food Cake.

10:17pm – A quick switch to New England’s WTVH 5 local broadcast offers up three different "Yankees Suck" chants in a span of eleven minutes.

10:26pm – After a camera pans to a close-up of Tom Brady’s eyes, members of the ’72 Miami Dolphins begin to disintegrate one-by-one in their skybox.

10:31pm – BRAVO announces new reality series Project NFL Brainwashing.

11:38pm – During his post game press conference, Tom Brady does his reliable "Joe Six Pack" routine while wearing three supermodels as a jacket.

12:00am – NFL secret pact with the universe is complete.  It now rules everything.


  1. Von Kaiser

    December 27, 2007 at 11:32 am

    Collinsworth has been waiting for someone to club Gumbel with a cane all season. Fitting it takes place in the final week.

  2. Teeter

    December 27, 2007 at 12:43 pm

    Well done, this is going to be one GIANT SHIT SHOW.

  3. JUICE

    December 27, 2007 at 12:45 pm


  4. James

    December 27, 2007 at 1:45 pm

    Joe Buck will use a dong microphone for Saturday’s game if he has to, there’s no way he doesn’t wiggle himself into this one.

  5. Soy

    December 27, 2007 at 4:06 pm

    12:01am – Patriots hijack Delorean, travel to 1972 to personally defecate on Miami Dolphins.

  6. The Sports Hernia

    December 27, 2007 at 4:34 pm

    Well played Soy, well played indeed.

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