- Ode To Grantland
- Cris Collinsworth Has Actually ‘Seen Everything’
- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly Argues Over An Eggplant, A Peach And A Smiley Face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
Giants vs. Patriots: A future timeline
- Updated: December 27, 2007
With CBS, NBC, NFL Net, A&E, TBS, SpikeTV and Starz all getting the green light to broadcast the highly anticipated Giants-Patriots slurpfest, we decided to spoil the fun a take a look ahead into the announcing orgy set to take place this Saturday night.
8:12pm – NFL Net’s Jamie Dukes gets excited about something.
8:15pm – Moments before kickoff, Esiason breaks into New York’s WWOR 9 local broadcast screaming "watch on CBS!" while occasionally trashing Sam Wyche and pointing to his johnson.
8:19pm – A chilly Joe Thiesmann is spotted in the last row of the upper tier doing an obscure gig for the PBS Sports channel.
8:20pm – CBS cameras pan to Don Shula enjoying first quarter action in one of the luxury boxes while the rest of the ’72 Dolphins sit comfortably in his gut.
8:35pm – Jimmy the Greek and Howard Cosell are seen heatedly debating their anatomy on a broadcast for HellTV.
8:41pm – Outdoor Life Network broadcasts Junior Seau entering the field riding a surf board atop a wave of hair gel.
8:59pm – Phil Simms temporarily short circuits the NBC booth with his industrial strength blow dryer. A deft Jim Nantz quickly relates this to the time Billy Packer’s gas caused a double forfeit.
9:03pm – NFL Network airs commercial touting the academic credentials of "Rand U."
9:18pm – Joe Buck and Troy Aikman, disguised in Dumb and Dumber tuxes, take
out Bryant Gumbel with their canes while Cris Collinsworth simply rotates his microphone a quarter turn so the Fox emblem now faces the camera.
9:31pm – NBC cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way to the fifth row.
9:32pm – CBS cameras catch Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating his way
to the first row.
9:34pm – Game postponed due to Jersey native Tony Siragusa eating Giants.
9:47pm – Lifetime Network airs a montage of NFL wives being beaten and runs it as its latest Lifetime Original movie.
10:00pm – A surprisingly emotional Bill Belichick dumps Gatorade cooler on his players.
10:01pm – Bob Costas flies into each broadcast booth on his Quidditch broomstick. Shortly after, his attempt at humor once again comes off as slightly angry and highly uncomfortable.
10:06pm – Roger Goodell, seated at the 50-yard line next to Dave Checketts and Powder, gives a wave to the mustache-laden crowd.
10:11pm – Martha Stewart appears at the 30-yard line for HGTV and bakes the shit out of an Angel Food Cake.
10:17pm – A quick switch to New England’s WTVH 5 local broadcast offers up three different "Yankees Suck" chants in a span of eleven minutes.
10:26pm – After a camera pans to a close-up of Tom Brady’s eyes, members of the ’72 Miami Dolphins begin to disintegrate one-by-one in their skybox.
10:31pm – BRAVO announces new reality series Project NFL Brainwashing.
11:38pm – During his post game press conference, Tom Brady does his reliable "Joe Six Pack" routine while wearing three supermodels as a jacket.
12:00am – NFL secret pact with the universe is complete. It now rules everything.