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A Preview of Toilet Bowls
- Updated: December 21, 2007
The 2007 Bowl Season is upon us, so it is time to take a look at the upcoming month of non-stop excitement. This season the selection committee had its hands full; with so many upsets this year they had to make some hard decisions. And since Notre Dame has been left out of a bowl, there were rumors that every bowl game would be cancelled. However, the Sports Hernia mole has seen reports of a possible clash between Notre Dame and the cast of Varsity Blues in Hawaii. Can you imagine Moxon v. Claussen? Those are two rare gunslingers. The big question would be: Will anyone in the ND secondary be able to cover Tweeter?
Alright, enough with the rumors, we have to press on to the ?reality? of the 600 upcoming Bowl games.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl, San Diego – Utah vs. Navy, Dec. 20
The Flower bowl picked some great teams this year, a bunch of Mormons and gay sailors. Prediction: 1,000 people show up to the stadium, 20 people watch on TV and both schools get millions of dollars. The college bowl season, it?s faaaaantastic.
R+L Carrier New Orleans Bowl, New Orleans – Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis, Dec. 21
New Orleans bowl is played in, you guessed it, New Orleans. Whatever, there?s always Bourbon Street.
Papajohns.com Bowl, Birmingham, Ala. – Cincinnati vs. Southern Miss, Dec. 22
This is one of my favorite bowl names. Papa John?s website is sponsoring a bowl, not even Papa John?s the actual crappy pizza joint, but it?s fucking website. Which leads to this question: When will thesportshernia.com bowl be played? And who is worthy enough to play in this soon-to-be prestigious bowl?! I?m guessing two shitdick football programs like Cincy and So. Miss.
New Mexico Dept. of Tourism New Mexico Bowl, Albuquerque, N.M. – Nevada vs. New Mexico, Dec. 22
Jesus, talk about home field advantage. What?s next, the Horseshoe Bowl with Ohio State hosting Princeton? Do the people responsible for inviting these teams not understand the word ?neutral?? And who invited these teams? The governor of New Mexico?
Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl, Las Vegas – UCLA vs. BYU, Dec. 22
See above for issue with the name of this bowl. But I know who invited these teams – the good people at the Crazy Horse Too invited UCLA and BYU, for two reasons. One, the UCLA fans will drop tons of money at the Crazy Horse, and two, the BYU fans are seen as future customers at the Crazy Horse. Once those Mormon fucks get married and pump out 38 kids, the husband will need a place to get away from it all. Insert Sunday Brunch Buffet at the Crazy Horse.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl, Honolulu – Boise State vs. East Carolina, Dec. 23
From Idaho to Hawaii, I can guess how psyched all the players are and the 50 Bronco fans who can afford to head to Hawaii to see this game. It will be great to see all 100 Boise State and East Carolina fans in one section. Hawaii is truly the perfect place for this match-up.
Ford, GM, Chrysler Motor City Bowl, Detroit – Central Michigan vs. Purdue, Dec. 26
Ahhh yes, the coveted Motor City bid. Nothing like heading to Detroit in the middle of December. But I guess if you are leaving Gary, Indiana, things really can?t get much worse. I for one would rather spend a week in Mordor (that is a nerdy Lord of Rings reference) than go to this bowl. Actually, I would rather be inside Paul Bearer?s urn than watch this shit show on TV.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl, San Diego – Arizona State vs. Texas, Dec. 27
Wow, Arizona State taking on Texas in San Diego where it?s always sunny and 75 degrees? Sounds like the holidays to me! Sign me up, and fuck the game, the high level of talented cleavage in this match-up is like no other.
Texas Bowl, Houston – Texas Christian vs. Houston, Dec. 28
Am I reading that right? The Texas bowl is going to be played in Houston between Houston and Texas Christian? Can Texas just please cede, what a bunch of arrogant assholes. ?We are going to have a bowl game and we are only going to invite Texas teams, because Texas rules, don?t mess with Texas!? Fuck Texas, you backwards assholes, no one cares about this game, shitheads.
Champs Sports Bowl, Orlando, Fla. – Boston College vs. Michigan State, Dec. 28
This could actually be a decent game between two mediocre teams from two conferences that were completely overrated all season long. It will be like watching the Mets and the Dodgers: mediocre teams that will never win anything, but they still seem to have a fan base. At least the fans can say hi to Mickey Mouse while wearing mesh shorts from Champs.
Emerald Nuts Emerald Bowl, San Francisco – Maryland vs. Oregon State, Dec. 28
Can someone, please, anyone, tell me why the fuck there is an ?Emerald? bowl? Is Emerald a company? I thought it was a gem stone? And if it is a company, they are doing a bang-up job because I have never heard of them. Fucking great – way to waste people?s time.
Meineke Car Care Bowl, Charlotte, N.C. – Wake Forest vs. Connecticut, Dec. 29
The Meineke Care Care Bowl? Christ, just fucking shoot me. If this were a college basketball game, I would be interested. Since it is not, I don?t give a rat?s ass. UConn can eat it, and Wake Forest is for fucking nerds. And you know what? I?ve seen so many fucking commercials for Meineke but don?t know one person who?s gone there. I also don?t know one person who will watch this crapshow.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl, Memphis, Tenn. – Central Florida vs. Mississippi State, Dec. 29
Didn?t we already talk about this? Oh, what?s that you say, that was Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis? Like there?s a fucking difference at this point.
Valero Alamo Bowl, San Antonio – Penn State vs. Texas A&M, Dec. 29
Oh, a Texas team playing in the Alamo Bowl? The surprises keep coming – what an inspiration Texas is. I say this while typing from my DingleBerry and sitting at the end of a plank.
PetroSun Independence Bowl, Shreveport, La. – Colorado vs. Alabama, Dec. 30
No matter what kind of potential this game has, I?m sure the broadcast will center around Nick Saban?s first year, which in turn means I will be chewing glass instead.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl, Fort Worth, Texas – California vs. Air Force, Dec. 31
Cal was once ranked 4th in the country. Oh how they have fallen on hard times – from a BCS bid to the Armed Forces Bowl, against Air Force nonetheless. What a disaster. "Hey Cal, great season, you were this close to a BCS bid, but why don?t you head to Fort Worthless to play Air Force?"
Roady?s Truck Stop Humanitarian Bowl, Boise, Idaho – Fresno State vs. Georgia Tech, Dec. 31
Okay, this is too easy, a truck stop sponsoring a Bowl, and the Humanitarian Bowl at that, fucking hell. I really hope the Lake Forest Oasis (a rest stop outside of Chicago) gets into the Bowl mix next year. The only way I watch this shit show is if all Tech fans in attendance wear Bobby Cremins wigs and all Fresno fans chew on towels. C?mon, be a humanitarian and make this happen.
Brut Sun Bowl, El Paso, Texas – Oregon vs. South Florida, Dec. 31
Wow, a bowl game in Texas that doesn?t feature at least one team from Texas? Too late assholes, I?m already pissed off. And to top it off, it is sponsored by cologne, who the fuck wears cologne these days? Queers and Europeans. This Bowls sucks.
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl, Nashville, Tenn. – Kentucky vs. Florida State, Dec. 31
Bobby Bowden coaching in the Gaylord Bowl? You can’t make this shit up. So around 20 players from FSU aren?t playing in this game. Savvy. So who is playing QB, Casey Weldon? He surely has nothing to do that day. What about running back? Maybe Amp Lee can dust off the cleats. Sounds like a party. Who?s bringing the cyanide dip?
Chick-Fil-A Bowl, Atlanta – Auburn vs. Clemson, Dec. 31
Jesus Christ, this is another home game for both teams. When the fans of Clemson and Auburn flock to Atlanta, the average IQ in that city will plummet to 27 for one magical day. There are going to be more slack-jawed yokels than a Beverly Hillbillies convention and I am going to venture to guess a few cousins will be either marrying each other or proposing to each other the morning of the game. YEEEHAW!
Insight Bowl, Tempe, Ariz. – Indiana vs. Oklahoma State, Dec. 31
One question, how many sluts from Indiana were sent to the people on the Insight Bowl committee to ?encourage? them to invite Indiana? And by encourage, I mean sucking on some man-meat? This is going to be a total ass-raping, and the Sooners will just look at the Hoosiers and their farm animal choice. IU football will never be the same.
Outback Bowl, Tampa, Fla. – Wisconsin vs. Tennessee, Jan. 1
This will be a match-up for the ages, SEC vs. Big Ten. Let me take a stab at it here: Tampa will be packed with Badger and Vols fans to see a 45-14 game, well worth the trip, that?s for sure. I wonder if Outback is giving out a free steak dinner to all fans that show up and don?t sleep through the game? Actually, maybe they can just use a Blooming Onion as a pillow.
AT&T Cotton Bowl, Dallas – Missouri vs. Arkansas, Jan. 1
Arkansas is not even ranked and they are playing a team that is ranked 6th in the country and has one loss? ONE loss. Where the hell am I? This is bizarre, and the worst part is that Arkansas is going to kill Missouri. Actually they are not going to kill them, there won’t be an ounce of defense played in this game, 92-88 will be the final score and it will be the first bowl game I watch.
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl, Jacksonville, Fla. – Texas Tech vs. Virginia, Jan. 1
I still can?t believe Virginia is ranked 20th, I put them in the same class as Kansas this year – I had no idea they had football programs. Then I remembered that the Barber twins went there, because the gay one seems to mention it all the time, but I digress. Oh yeah, this bowl is going to blow and have me running to the bloody Mary bar.
Capital One Bowl, Orlando, Fla. – Michigan vs. Florida, Jan. 1
I am looking for a word to describe this game. Not sure yet what it is? wait I?ve got it, ?laughter.? This game is going to be a total joke, Florida is going to win by 237 points, I don?t care if it is Lloyd Carr?s last game, Tim Te-Boner is going have 18 touchdowns and run for 33 touchdowns. Wait, why isn?t Florida taking a cue from the Texans and playing in the Gator Bowl? Retards.
Rose Bowl, Pasadena, Calif. – Southern California vs. Illinois, Jan. 1
This is going to be fantastic – first Michigan is going to get slaughtered by Florida and then USC is going wipe their asses with Illinois. Go Big Ten! As much as I hate USC, this is going to be a total disaster, it will be reminiscent of when Cortez killed 10,000 Incans, no pun intended.
Allstate Sugar Bowl, New Orleans – Hawaii vs. Georgia, Jan. 1
Holy shit, finally a game I am looking forward to! I actually think this is going to be one of the most fun games to watch. Sure, Georgia is going to win, but one can hope for a nice 45-35 victory. Actually, it may be worse – Georgia is feeling slighted. I feel bad for the clearly heterosexual Rainbow Warriors. I still can?t believe that name, the Rainbow Warriors, they shouldn?t be allowed to show their faces stateside with a name like that. Good thing all players from Hawaii drop off the face of the earth after they graduate. Except for Ashley Lelie – but his name is ASHLEY LELIE! HA! (wait, where is he?)
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, Glendale, Ariz. – Oklahoma vs. West Virginia, Jan. 2
West Virginia?s quarterback is done and their coach is lame, so this should be a close game in the sense that Oklahoma will win by 40 points. It is not WVU?s fault their entire offense is screwed without their QB but the bowl selection committee should have shown some sympathy and sent WVU to play someone like Michigan. Wait a second, maybe they should switch opponents, who is with me?
FedEx Orange Bowl, Miami – Virginia Tech vs. Kansas, Jan. 3
Kansas better win this game, or it will be more proof that the Big 12 sucks a big fat wang. Even though these are two decent teams, I will be doing something else on January 3rd, for some reason I just can?t bring myself to watch a Kansas football game, it is a basketball school. Also, ?Rock-Chalk-Jayhawk? should not be endured by any casual fan, that chant BLOWS.
International Bowl, Toronto – Rutgers vs. Ball State, Jan. 5
The International Bowl, played in Toronto Canada, wow, that is so international. Do they speak a different language up there? This should be called American Jr. Bowl or America?s Top-Hat Bowl. Give me a break, Canada! And, how the hell do Rutgers and Ball State get to play on Jan. 5? Neither of them are ranked, who is going watch this shit game? Oh, right Canadians, right after the Maple Leafs game, which I think is a hockey team. They should team up and play the Argonauts. Canadian Bacon is bullshit.
GMAC Mobile Bowl, Ala. – Bowling Green vs. Tulsa, Jan. 6
Again, the day before the national championship game Bowling Green is playing Tulsa. This is exhausting. Are they even division 1 teams? Why the hell does Mobile get a bowl? Has anyone ever gone to Mobile and been like, ?wow, this place is cool, I hope they have a bowl game here soon?? The only thing in Mobile is the USS Alabama. Maybe the game can be played on the deck of that ship. Actually, this game should be played in an actual swamp, because I have had swamp ass more exciting than this match-up.
BCS Championship Game
Allstate New Orleans – Ohio State vs. LSU, Jan. 7
And once again, the committee has done everything in their power to ruin a national title game. Can someone please explain to me why an undefeated team and a one loss team are not playing for this? Oh right, ratings, my bad. And after last year, I am sure the whole country is going to tune in again to see the SEC destroy Ohio State. This is going to be a total romp. With LSU finally healthy, I predict OSU squeezes out three points. This is going to be embarrassing. Where?s Appalachian St. when we need them?