- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
- LeBron’s Wild Hairline Fits Larry O’Brien Trophy … and a Chew Toy
- “Danny Farts Ball” Video Has 500K Views
- The Boston Globe Has Officially Stopped Giving A Shit
- Detroit Lions Take Sucking to An All New Level
- Sepp Blatter Resigns, Vince McMahon Rumored as Replacement
- Family Guy Called the Bruce Jenner “Situation” Quite Some Time Ago; Twice
- T.J. Miller Wins Hernia Immunity For 25 Years
Barbaro revelation in Mitchell Report expected to crush nation
- Updated: December 13, 2007
As the world prepares for George Mitchell’s steroid report today, the latest big name to be leaked thus far is Kentucky Derby winner and dead horse, Barbaro.
According to those in the know, pages 973 to 1,504 in Mitchell’s novel detail Barbaro’s abusive use of the drug, and his thirsting need to go the extra mile. Mitchell even connects the untimely snapping of his tiny ankle as a direct connection to steroid use, much like Mark McGwire’s knees.
At one time thought of as a hero to many, the black cloud that now surfaces above this horse’s once great name is expected to shatter the hearts of the thousands of idiots who sent the charismatic galloper carrots, oats, get well cards and erotic photographs to his horse-bedside contraption.
Sources say the he was a "main player" in the steroid ring, having several secret meetings with Victor Conte at Balco, even visiting him on all expense paid trips to his ranch in Monterey. Former insiders of Conte have also alluded to a strong bond shared between Barry Bonds and Barbaro, where the two would take turns riding each other during intense training sessions conducted by Balco trainers.
Mitchell further explained a strangely discarded chapter in Jose Canseco’s "Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big" book detailing the former MVP and the former winning horse gobbling down pills, injecting each others’ hindquarters and clubbing in Louisville until the wee hours of the night.