Sports Hernia Blog

How the Bears finally found Orton

Kings of Leon Orton is often confused for Amish Orton who is often
confused for Unabomber Orton.

(CHICAGO, IL) — Bears brass searched far and wide across Chicagoland and the Midwest region last week to locate their new starting quarterback, Kyle Orton.  While the efforts were admirable and quite exhausting at times, they were finally able to locate their man from an unlikely source.

Team City, consisting of Adam Archuleta and other mediocre players searched all area rock clubs, looking for the Kings of Leon Orton.  Archuleta led a courageous journey to Schuba’s, the Elbow Room and even Exit, the metal club on North Ave.  Only thing found were tough-ass chicks.  Only thing lost was their pride.

Team Country combed the countryside for Amish Orton.  Olin Kreutz led a respectful mission through barns, stables, snake-handling churches and meth labs.

Team Terrorist was on the lookout for Unabomber Orton.  Devin Hester headed this squad, due to
his long hair and elusiveness.  The team went to airports, greasy spoons, chat rooms and inside message boards.

Finally, after an exhaustive search, Hunter Hillenmeyer finally spoke up at a team meeting regarding the failed efforts to locate Orton and simply said:

"Oh, Kyle’s the guy you’re looking for?  The hairy dude?  Yeah, he’s on the sideline. He’s always there, he just stands there and grabs the neck of his shoulderpads, you know Kyle!"


Thanks to our friends at We are the Postmen for the amazing visual aid.


  1. jnr98

    December 17, 2007 at 12:57 pm

    It’s amazing, we have yet to find ONE DECENT picture of Eli Manning, and ditto Orton. What’s with these two? Are they totally incapable of looking human in any?

    Eli’s always look like he’s about to cry.
    Orton: mid-alcoholic/narcotic stupor.

    Maybe we can find one of the two of them together?

  2. Von Kaiser

    December 17, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    I think it’s utterly impossible.

    Maybe we can get a pic of them together soon on Pros vs. Joes?

  3. tamtam

    November 2, 2008 at 3:37 pm

    @ jnr98: i have to agree w/ you. orton seems to hate razors or the idea of shaving

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