Sports Hernia Blog

Lame jokes to expect at the Mike & Mike roast

Mike_mike_roast_espn

You read that correctly, the Mike & Mike "celebrity" roast is painfully real.  This life altering event is set to take place on Friday, January 11, 2008, and yes, tickets are miraculously still available.

Your hosts?  Trey Wingo and Mark Schlereth, so clearly all bets are off.

Your Roasters?  Nick Bakay, Charlie Weis, Dick Vitale, Denis Leary and Frank Caliendo, so don’t expect cliches.

And with the writers’ strike, ESPN has brought in the hackiest scabs to write annoyingly bad jokes for these already laughable roasters.  The person they really need for this event is Bill Walton so he can say "terrrrrrrible" after the punchline of each joke.

Here’s a look at some of painful jokes you’ll be hearing…

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You know, it’s no coincidence that as soon as Golic signed his letter of intent out of high school, Notre Dame expanded its cafeteria!!

***

Greenie’s so short… (wait for audience to respond "How short is he?")

… He’s so short that he needs help getting things off the bottom shelf – from Muggsy Bogues!!

***

Golic is so fat… (wait for audience to respond "How fat is he?")

… He’s so fat he stepped on the scale and it said "To Be Continued!!"

***

You know how Greenie always talks about how much his wife can’t stand him?  Well guess what, she really can’t!! No, no, that’s the joke.

***

No, seriously Golic.  It’s great you lost all that weight.  Your neighbors are probably happiest since they no longer hear screams from your wife in the middle of the night because you rolled on top of her in your sleep!!

***

There’s Greenie over there.  Look at him, so young looking.  He’s so young looking he was granted an exclusive Michael Jackson interview!!

***

What’s the only difference between women and Greenie?

… women shave!!

***

Golic has made such great strides in his radio gig, he’s already got Mike Francesa beat… (dramatic pause)

… in bra size!!

***

So Greenie, seriously, just tell us, stop giving us the runaround… how many times a week do you wake up next to Golic screaming "those aren’t pillows!!"

***

I’m not trying to say anything here, but these two make Billy Bean and John Amechi look macho!  Seriously, Tim Hardaway refuses to come on their show!!

***

Many people don’t know this but Golic isn’t his real name.  It was given to him because he’ll "Go Lick" anything!  And then eat it!   See, he’s fat!!

Then you got Greenberg over there.  The only thing more Jewish than that name is Shawn Green missing a Saturday playoff game!!

***

Note:  Frank Caliendo will be doing his Madden impression and circling Golic’s fat on the telestrater throughout the entirety of this roast .

32 Comments

  1. Marv

    December 5, 2007 at 8:09 am

    Over-under on Greenie crying during this thing is set at 5 jokes

  2. Jason R

    December 5, 2007 at 12:01 pm

    Over/Under teaser on the # of times Vitale:
    1) Clears his phlegmy throat
    2) Refers to his personal site
    3) Refers to Notre Dame
    4) Refers to Duke/Coach K
    5) Refers to ARod
    6) Says “ya know” in that annoying way he does to start a sentence…

    = 47

  3. Jason R

    December 5, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Meanwhile, look at that list of “roasters”. Ghastly. What, Tom Petty’s already busy practicing for the Super Bowl?

  4. TBone

    December 5, 2007 at 12:10 pm

    Very nice, well done Jason.

    Over/Under on the amount of times Denis Leary mentions Rescue Me as well as the new Rescue Me book he’s been promoting everywhere:

    = 27

  5. Blaise

    December 5, 2007 at 1:50 pm

    Over under on number of hours Mike and Mike spend rehashing the hilarious roast on their show- 521

    Over and under on number of times they pretend the whole thing came as a surprise to them even though Greenberg probably lobbied for it the last two years- 7

  6. Neohero

    December 5, 2007 at 2:04 pm

    Perfect Blaise.

    Now please kill me.

  7. Beast

    December 5, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    Ratio of number of hours people spend bashing this Roast to the number of people that actually attend this thing:

    11,895:1

  8. Von Kaiser

    December 5, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    Golic actually looks like he knows how hard this Roast is going to suck in that picture.

  9. Blaise

    December 5, 2007 at 2:16 pm

    And how about that zany time Greeny milked the cow! That was the zaniest! And Greeny thought it would kick him! Oooooh ohh, that was some zany, wacky, hijinks, and not at all contrived! What zany bet will they think up next?

  10. tecmo_bowl_bo_jackson

    December 5, 2007 at 2:33 pm

    Could be worse. They could’ve gotten Frank Caliendo.

    …Oh. Damn.

  11. Jason R

    December 5, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    Truth is, I listen to these guys on my commute in the AM. Not much else on and while I generally find them annoying, getting the baseball updates, Buster, Gammons, etc. is good.

    Sponsoring this shindig: Kiehls lotion, Neutrogena, Dial Antibacterial hand gel, Weightwatchers “I lost 51 pounds”, DUEL, Guiding Light, Paul Mitchell hair products, Brady Quinn, Chad Pennington, Dick Vitale, Stink’s goatee, and uncountable numbers of hours of hyperbole and “borrowing of other’s work”

  12. Jason R

    December 5, 2007 at 4:47 pm

    By the way, Vegas just posted odds on this thing being canceled due to poor ticket sales: 3-2 odds

  13. Nuke

    December 6, 2007 at 7:38 am

    If you don’t like Mike and Mike, why are you listening?

  14. JohnShaver

    December 6, 2007 at 11:03 am

    Wow, you guys blatantly ripped this off of cursedcleveland.com (check the dates). And nowhere near as funny!

  15. TBone

    December 6, 2007 at 11:12 am

    We pride ourselves on not ripping off sites we’ve never been to.

  16. Colon Blow

    December 6, 2007 at 12:28 pm

    It’s “horrrrrrrrible”, not “terrrrrrible”.

    Freaking imbecile.

  17. beets

    December 6, 2007 at 12:35 pm

    Colon = misinformed reject

  18. ryno

    December 6, 2007 at 3:22 pm

    I wonder if Caliendo will do his John Madden impression.

  19. How are tickets still available?

    December 7, 2007 at 5:05 pm

    A full night of fat, Notredame and metrosexual jokes, it should be hilarious. ~_~

  20. al

    December 10, 2007 at 2:36 pm

    The apocalypse is upon us. Mike&Mike is the most abysmal sports talk radio show in history. They don’t take callers; they’re self-indulgent, and the show is devoid of humor and insight.

    Here’s a few jokes:

    – Mike Greenberg is such a wuss, he got cut from his high school chess team because he was too weak to move the chess pieces.

    – Before Charlie Weis, Mike Golic was the biggest, fattest, loudmouth in Notre Dame History

    – Mike Green berg couldn’t carry Mike Golic’s jockstrap — no really, he couldn’t. He couldn’t lift it

    – Mike Greenberg is so clueless, they retired the “Just Shut Up” award and gave it to him on a permanent basis

    – The world needs more Hank Greenbergs and less Mike Greenberg

    – When it comes to picking winners, Mike greenberg can’t even pick his nose

  21. me

    January 1, 2008 at 11:38 pm

    you are all idiots! These two guys are the greatest and none of you deserve to be in the same room with them.

    The tickets are sold out too!

  22. MaryAnn

    January 2, 2008 at 8:41 pm

    The proceeds go to the V foundation for cancer research so even if it does suck, at least the money is going to a good cause….I would go to a terrible show in a minute before sitting at home spending my free time writing blogs about how lame the jokes will be. I was looking for info on the show and stumbled onto this website, so it must be doing you at least some good. Way to go, another hit!

  23. THISSITESUX!

    January 9, 2008 at 9:46 am

    You all are a bunch of fucking losers.

    Get some self respect and lives.

    Mike & Mike is one hell of a good sports show. Stop crying because your chump lives have amounted to nothing and you are just jealous. Maybe your mom’s will let you eat her out again.

  24. yeah man i’m so badass i think i’ll bash a charity event supporting the v foundation cancer research. this is gonna be so terrible it sold out within hours. i’m not gonna go to the event or ever watch their show since i’m too fat to fit through my front door and have no money, but because i’m jealous they have their own tv show while i’m stuck sitting in my mom’s basement writing my super cool blog i think i will shit talk them a bit. after all this is the only way i can get someone to actually view my shit for brains blog anyway. amiriteguys

  25. The Sports Hernia

    January 10, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    Wait, they have their own TV show? Sheeeeeeeet bro, we gots to check it out.

    “amiriteguys” — no, but you sure can whip up some badass writing.

  26. Von Kaiser

    January 10, 2008 at 12:12 pm

    HA!

    Please – so stupid. If this is really a great cause and everything, how about roasting two guys that people actually care about to raise more money.

    This is in no way a PR stunt by ESPN to boost M&M’s ratings or anything. Nah, not at all. Not a chance.

  27. JCB

    January 13, 2008 at 12:10 am

    Mike and mike is a good radio show. It is also a great alternative to a sportcenter that has gotten old and cliched. I dont see what kind of loser would come to a website just to complain about things like this.

  28. WATCH DANA JACOBSON EXPLICIT DRUNK NUDE VIDOE

    January 23, 2008 at 3:05 pm

    WATCH DANA JACOBSON EXPLICIT DRUNK NUDE VIDOE:

    http://damn-video.blogspot.com/2008/01/dana-jacobson-roast-video-at-mike-and.html

    damn i don’t believe my eyes

  29. mizer

    January 23, 2008 at 8:40 pm

    _________________________________________________

    I found Dana Jacobson Roast Video at this LINK
    _________________________________________________

  30. marcus

    January 28, 2008 at 10:44 am

    what comments did the female espn sport announcer say to have to to say she was sorry for on the air

  31. Come on people

    April 17, 2008 at 2:17 pm

    Hey tbone, why do you have to call someone an imbecile because they mixed up horrible and terrible? Everyone makes mistakes. I think the internet has brought out the worst in people. It is sickening. We are de-evolving as a race. You NEVER see someone saying something nice. It is always “idiot”, “imbecile”, “moron”. Come on people. No need to bash people behind the safety of your computer. I would bet ANYTHING you wouldn’t say those things to peoples faces in a bar would you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. And as for Mike and Mike. Great show. If you people don’t like it, why are you on this site? Huh? Come on, tell us. Come on, why? You know you like it, you just want something to whine about. I know I’m right. Quit being so negative and go to a site that you actually like. Nevermind that last sentence. Your lives are so miserable, there isn’t ANYTHING that you like. You are on a comment board for SPORTS SHOW FIGURES. And you have to whine. Grow up people, and quit trolling. Friggen fly-by haters. Get a life.

    Meow, meow, meow, brown cow.

  32. Marv

    April 17, 2008 at 7:20 pm

    To Come on people: It looks like Colon Blow made that “Imbecile” comment, not TBone.

    Just want you to be more accurate in your negative comments.

    Kisses!

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