Sports Hernia Blog

Columnist Jessica Heslam breaks it down for inferior New Yorkers

Boston Herald columnist Jessica Heslam brought some fantastic information to the table recently regarding the respective fans bases of the Giants and Patriots.  After we read the article, we immediately belted out a classic J. Peterman, "you see, now that’s interesting writing!"

Let’s take a look at what she dazzled us with:

Some 62 percent of Pats fans living in the Boston area earned a bachelor?s or postgraduate degree or have some higher-education experience, compared to 59 percent of Giants fans, according to the latest marketing data provided by the Nielsen Co., the TV ratings firm.
Shocking stuff here, we’re guessing the guys sporting leather Giants sneakers and having knife fights in the upper tier are the ones without that elusive bachelor’s degree. 
When she states "some higher education experience," she obviously means they have taken one class at Bunker Hill Community college.  Kudos, that clearly makes Pats fans highly intelligent and thus, far superior.

Likewise, 72 percent of Pats fans live in homes worth north of $200,000, compared to 63 percent of Giants yahoos, the Nielsen data show.
How is this even possible?  Find us a house anywhere near New York that’s under $200,000 and we’ll be very intrigued.

We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light.  Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.
Not sure how this makes you better, it definitely makes you gayer.

We are likely to read connoisseur magazines like Wine Spectator. Gotham fans like to pig out on junk food like pretzels, chips and nuts.  They?re also less likely to favor organic food than other New Yorkers.
Is this a weekend in the Hamptons or a fucking football game?  Where are these opinions coming from?  Have you ever left the 2 mile radius of Boston?

?Boston fans are much classier,? said Schuster, a real estate agent and software consultant who is heading out to Arizona for the Super Bowl. ?Have you ever been to Yankee stadium? I mean, they boo their own players.?
Wait a second here, the only chant Boston fans know is "Yankees Suck" which they chant at EVERY sporting event.  We have heard the brilliant Boston fans you mention above chant "Yankees suck" at a music concert and even a Patriots Super Bowl victory parade — yeah, very classy.

?Bostonians, in general, are better educated,? Schuster added. ?New Yorkers have to send their kids to Boston to educate them.?
Pretty sure that statement is pure opinion and there is zero evidence to back it up, but if you want a true test of education, let’s compare SUNY schools to Mass state schools — pretty sure ZooMass can’t hold water to any SUNY school.

It?s also worth noting that the Patriots are an equal opportunity franchise, drawing more female fans than the competition. Nearly half of all Pats backers – about 43 percent – are women.
And let me tell ya, it is one busted bunch.

Thanks for informative piece, Jess, but you forgot to mention that 87% of Pats fans have been Pats fans since Adam Vinatieri kicked one through against the Rams and have no idea who Grogan, Mosi Tatupu, Hugh Millen and John Stephens are. 

We don’t need Nielsen to tell us that.


  1. Cinematically-Correct

    January 28, 2008 at 2:56 pm

    Thanks for informative piece, Jess, but you forgot to mention that 87% of Pats fans have been Pats fans since Adam Vinatieri kicked one through against the Rams and have no idea who Grogan, Mosi Tatupu, Hugh Millen, and John Stephens are.

    Amen brother. That is dead on fact. This should be the main reason to absolutely despise the Patriots and pull for the Giants. I cannot stress how much the Boston fan base sickens me…they make me, a diehard Eagle fan, root for the despicable New York Football Giants. It’s a dark day.

  2. jnr98

    January 28, 2008 at 3:25 pm

    WAIT: have you SEEN the picture of “Schuster, a real estate agent and software consultant”? It’s on the article. He’s in FULL Patriots paint, holding a champagne glass (or “flute”, to the classy). Now, tell me again why he’s one to be an artiber of CLASS?

    my head hurts

  3. Upstate Underdog

    January 28, 2008 at 4:07 pm

    to: Comments, I would also add the names of Hannah, Armstrong and Tippet to the list of players that 87% of Pats fans have never heard of before 2000. Hell, I’m sure most of them still don’t know who those guys are.

  4. jnr98

    January 28, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    If I see any pink Patriots baseball hats, I just might puke.

  5. Peter Vecsey

    January 28, 2008 at 4:14 pm

    My sources tell me that Jessica Heslam’s brazierre has made it onto the ceiling fan many a time during Boston Herald happy hours.

  6. Cass

    January 28, 2008 at 5:43 pm

    i’d love to show this broad my balls

  7. Charles.Com

    January 28, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    According to a recent article in the New England Journal of Medicine doctors around the country were having outstanding success with a controversial procedure to induce vomiting in lieu of the more invasive stomach pump. In cases of food poisoning or drug overdose doctors had been showing patients photographs of Massachusetts residents on the hunch that their notoriously hideous looks would cause immediate violent nausea. To no ones surprise the procedure resulted in a near 90% success rate. Unfortunately, tragedy struck when a Long Island NY man (naive to the atrocities of the world) actually took his own life after being shown a photo of Sean Mcflanagan of Pittsfield Mass. (so far no charges have been files against Mr. Mcflanagan) As a result of the incident less offensive photos of citizens from surrounding areas like New Hampshire and Rhode Island are now being used with mixed results.

  8. JUICE

    January 28, 2008 at 5:55 pm



  9. Clutch Is Everything

    January 28, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    This is why Boston should be removed from the face of this Earth.

  10. Von Kaiser

    January 28, 2008 at 10:53 pm

    I guarantee Heslam has a boxer’s chin.

  11. Scamp1

    January 29, 2008 at 11:03 am

    Just one little mention on that 62 % bachelors degree poll. Of that 62% what % of those mostly female, wine sipping, tofu beside the Amstel lite
    in the fridge, Fans CHEATED! By the way side note, does anyone else think that Patriots linbacking corp uses Harrisons dirty needles? Bruschi and Seau {who if his birth certificate reads tue is officially 63 years old}, and Vrabel all look like canidates for the Alzado school of protruding fore heads. Man every time Brusc face pops up on the screen Im waiting for a “Scanners” flash back.

  12. Educated Bet

    January 29, 2008 at 4:45 pm

    Condo on upper west side with one bed one bath $1,000,000. Gasoline $5.00 a gallon. And keeping all your food in tupper-ware to keep out the CockRoaches…Priceless…Peace…Iron MIKE

  13. Ray Handley

    January 29, 2008 at 8:52 pm

    She did terrible job, Here’s the real story. Gotta love New York. $14.50 for a taco, the highest taxes in the US, rudeness and hostility abound, everything is artificial, concrete, and glass, only the vomit is real, the murder capital of the US, strip clubs that are open at 6AM, beckoning you to come on in, transient population, the Yankees, panhandlers in large numbers who own the streets, the NJ Jets, poor quality of life only the rich can thrive, in the winter it is a cold, desolate canyon with no soul, in the summer NYC smells like a giant bowl of puke, the streets stink like garbage and sewerage, limited quality education institutions, Knicks, subway cars covered in graffiti, dangerous city parks, “Fu*k the Other Guy Before he Fu*k?s you?(city motto), crackheads, Jets/Giants don?t even play in NY state, so NY fans cheer for Jersey Giants and Jets, Giants fans are the biggest front-running bandwagon jumpers that inhabit the NY/Jersey toilet. All of em ready to crucify Manning, Coughlin, spit on their team earlier this year, now you love them. You are gutless front runners as bad as your rag tabloid writers for those POS news-rags. After they lose Sunday you’ll be all over them again looking for their blood. Other than that It’s really a swell place though.

  14. Southie Projects

    January 29, 2008 at 10:14 pm

    Well done Ray, sounds like New York in the early 80’s. I especially enjoyed “subway cars covered in graffiti.”

    You’re only 18 years late on an accurate depiction of the city.

    It’s probably not a bad thing though, you’re better off in that small time, narrow scope, prejudice subarb of Boston where everyone’s too afraid to move away, and drinking beers with your busted sister that your best friend hooks up with is considered a memorable night.

    Say hi to Bill Costigan for me, I miss that dude.

  15. Eason

    January 29, 2008 at 10:48 pm

    A few more highlights from Ray that are completely accurate. Kudos on the homework:

    -the highest taxes in the US
    -the murder capital of the US
    -transient population
    -dangerous city parks

    I wish the strip clubs were open that late/early…

  16. Ray Handley

    January 30, 2008 at 8:56 am

    Thank you for the accolades. The great city to the North of the “armpit of the east coast” with our multi-dynasty sports teams and just flat out more beautiful people (aka Boston) is thriving. Face it, everyone from Boston is homegrown and his or her excellence was developed here, and everyone from NY/NJ drives up 95 to go to college in Boston and become Red Sox and Patriots fans. They know quality education and sports teams when they see them. You losers are “the filthy few”, the “I am Legend” creatures who skulk around NYC in the dark. Other than that the armpit is a really a swell place though. Just don’t go out at night. Love those Jersey Giants!

  17. Sippenwoof

    January 30, 2008 at 9:17 am

    Ray, the holes in your argument are impressive, but the “beautiful people” thing is just too much.

    If your definition of “beautiful” is a raspy-voiced chick who puffs Marlboro Lights in her sleep, does ceremonial shots of AfterShock before she goes out on 2-for-1 Tuesdays, and has a boxer’s jaw the size of China — well then, you’re right, all the beautiful people DO live up there.

  18. Philly Joe

    January 30, 2008 at 10:32 am

    I love NY. If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any ‘spare’ change. Wonderful place.

  19. Jerome in the Bronx

    January 30, 2008 at 12:14 pm

    I can’t wait to light Mr. Schuster’s Sox hat on fire this Spring.

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