Sports Hernia Blog

Joe Pa wins bowl game, thanks the wrong players

Yes, Paterno’s eyeglasses double as fish bowls.

(San Antonio, TX) — Penn State coach Joe Paterno celebrated his team’s recent victory over Texas A&M at the Alamo Bowl in confusing fashion, with the 86-year old coach thanking players that have long since retired from the pro level.

"I just want to give a big thanks to the players who got it done," Paterno said while sporting a proud look on his face.  "Without guys like Jack Ham and Shane Conlan anchoring the defense, there’s no way we would have been able to slow down that potent offense.  Stopping Vinny Testaverde and those talented wideouts in Perriman and Irvin was no easy task, plus having to stop Vaughn Dunbar and Ron Dayne, two running beasts.  And where would we have been on the offensive side without the genius play of Tony Sacca and Blair Thomas, not to mention the versatile O.J. McDuffie."

Unfortunately for Penn State and their fans, Paterno was in an unusually chatty mood during the press conference, even praising the halftime show that he was apparently watching inside his head.

"How about that band at halftime?  I tell ya, those Nelson brothers put on quite a show.  You see everyone throwing their beers and other debri onto the field?  They couldn’t get enough of those guys, I’ve never seen people begging for an encore like that at a football game.  And that first act, what was it, Great White?  They were good too.  Heck of a pyrotechnic job."

Paterno occasionally paused throughout the lengthy press conference because his gargantuan eyeglasses kept weighing his head down, causing his face to collide with the microphone.

He later went on to thank the sponsors for the event, who according to Paterno were Clear Pepsi, Texas Instruments and Enron.


  1. Cinematically-Correct

    January 2, 2008 at 5:05 pm

    That was a wild-ass press conference. Why did Paterno tell everyone “Vote Nixon in ’72!” and then ask the Sports Information Director which bus line the team was taking back to Happy Valley?

  2. Tbone

    January 2, 2008 at 7:34 pm

    Yeah, it was even more bizarre that everyone in the media joined in on the Nixon chant.

    I was also perplexed when he kept beginning sentences with “when Paterno used to coach…”

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