Sports Hernia Blog

Toilet paper dispenser grows hands, applauds Brady dump


On the eve of the Super Bowl’s annual all-out shit blitz, otherwise known as media day, a report out of Patriots camp is sure to have all eyes, ears and asses on quarterback Tom Brady. 

At the end of an otherwise quiet walk-through Monday with the team’s starters, something special emerged out of New England’s locker room in bathroom stall A — Tom Brady took a dump of such epic proportions that it caused the toilet paper dispenser to spontaneously grow hands and applaud.

"Listen, I’ve been working the New England Patriots practice facilities beat for awhile now," said the affable dispenser, surrounded by a mob of reporters within and outside of stall A.  "And I’ve seen a lot of dumps come in and out of here from some of the finest athletes on the planet.  Some pretty fantastic stuff has been deposited here.  I mean, just think of the stuff these players eat.  From fine foods to fast foods, from protein shakes to Friendly’s Fribble milkshakes.  Well, I just have to say, Brady’s dump was simply majestic.  I now have hands and I have only Tom Brady’s dookie to thank for it."

While brief with reporters, Brady downplayed the special moment, indicating luck may have played a part in the incident.

"These things tend to happen to guys at the right place and the right time," said Brady while grinning just enough to reveal dimples.  "I guess we can all say I’m pretty fortunate.  At the same time I don’t want to lose sight of what’s about to take place on Sunday, but I gotta admit it was kinda cool."

Stall A has reportedly been given 50-yard line seats by the team for him and a friend to use at Sunday’s game.  No word out of Patriots camp on what they plan to do with Kevin Faulk’s wife and kid, who were originally slated for the seats.


  1. Sippenwoof

    January 28, 2008 at 11:18 pm

    Stall A should have more ho’s by game time than Eugene Robinson.

  2. hercules rockefeller

    January 29, 2008 at 4:15 pm

    Osi Umenyiora is going to show Stall A what shit’s all about.

  3. Soy

    January 29, 2008 at 5:42 pm

    Gives a whole new meaning to “suck that shit.”

  4. saucy

    January 29, 2008 at 6:40 pm

    rumor has it that toilet paper dispenser is currently interviewing for a job at ESPN… which may actually be an improvement for them.

  5. Don Darling

    January 29, 2008 at 10:18 pm

    When Tom Brady’s dimples emerge, small countries weep.

  6. Das Booty Hacker

    January 30, 2008 at 4:04 am

    He wear babby boot. big, tricky throwing man with naked leo model and pregnant potato actress wear babby boot. i think he wear sock too! i see his babby. i sure hate his babby.

  7. toilet

    July 5, 2008 at 5:45 am

    very funny toilet paper story!

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