Sports Hernia Blog

Zubaz pants: More than you needed to know

Zubaz

You read that correctly.  Zubaz.  Not only are Zubaz pants back, but we found out what Zubaz means!  At least that?s what the Chicago Sun-Times reported.  And by "reported," we mean "fell prey to the unstoppable PR machine that is Dan Stock, co-founder of Zubaz."  Can?t blame them, really.  Those pants are dazzling. 

Not that the Sun-Times needs any help, but The Sports Hernia decided to pull some highlights from the piece and add our own thoughts.  Get striped!

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"It isn’t clear if the man at East Bank was wearing the new Zubaz or the old; the only way to tell these days would be to look at the ankle cut of the pants.  The old-school pants have a severe taper, while the new have been let out by 2 inches for a looser fit." Another way to tell if he is wearing the old Zubaz would be by the length of his mullet, the thickness of his mustache, the enormity of his beer gut and the number of awful Jets and Islander jerseys he owns.

"We used to hear that as a complaint by some people — that it’s something they didn’t care for," Zubaz co-owner Dan Stock said of the ankle cut. We also kept hearing that the pants were disgustingly horrible which is why the retarded trend faded away in the first place. However, in light of all that, we still didn’t change the kindergarten design one bit.

They gave the pants the name Zubaz — ’70s gym slang for "in your face." Not to be confused with, "shitrags," slang for ‘your pants fucking suck’. 

The elastic-waist, drawstring pants grew in popularity and took off once Stock and Truax obtained the licensing to use NFL, NBA and college team colors and logos.  By 1991 it was a multimillion-dollar business.  By 1992 it was bankrupt.

Stock recalls sending a box of them either in the late ’80s or 1990s to Coppock, a radio sports personality.  Of course, because radio guys are known for setting ultra-hip fashion trends that aren’t a fucking disgrace.

Even Billy Joel’s crew, in town for a performance in the Twin Cities, loaded up on Zubaz way back then.  Billy Joel’s crew?  What did that consist of, a bunch of fat fucking retards from Long Island who were too drunk to realize they were with Billy Joel?  This should not be a feather in the cap of Zubaz.  If you told us Motley Crue’s roadies were wearing them, then maybe we would be impressed.

"They’re almost camp.  I mean, were they a little outlandish?  Yeah.  And I think they made a statement when you walked in a room."  That statement being, "Who the fuck is this total douchebag?  And what bet did he lose to have to wear those?  Is he trying out for the American Gladiators, circa 1988?"

Their popularity had waned by the 1990s, but Stock and Truax decided last fall they would introduce Zubaz via the Internet, where you can now get the the unisex, zebra-striped pants, in six colors, exclusively at www.zubaz.com.  They’re priced at $29.99.  Okay, enough is enough, if you are purchasing a pair of unisex pants, or unisex anything, just end it right now.  There really is no point in going on any longer, do yourself and all of your friends and family a favor, and do the Nestea  plunge off the Brooklyn bridge — now.

"As big as my butt has gotten over the last 10 years, I doubt I could fit in them," he said.  "And my girlfriend says she’ll leave me if I wear them."  FINALLY, a voice of reason.  This girlfriend he speaks of is the only intelligent person mentioned in this whole article.  Not only should she leave him, she should kick him in the nuts right before she leaves, just for good measure.

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