Sports Hernia Blog

28 Easy ways to fix baseball

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Um yeah, baseball could use a little work right now and as always, the Hernia is here to help.  Listed below are 28 insightful ways to help the tainted sport before it’s too late. 

Consider this giving baseball a sick boob job.

  1. In lieu of a tougher steroid policy, allow hitters to use giant red wiffle ball bats.
  2. Inject the crowd with heroin.
  3. Mic up each fan to the stadium P.A. so they can really yell at the players, umps and managers.
  4. Replace ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ with anything by MegaDeth or Slayer.
  5. Let "Body Suit Guy" roam free.
  6. Allow wild animals to roam the field during live play.
  7. Each time a team begins a winning streak, peel a section off of Bud Selig’s face.
  8. Insist player’s wives attend games in the nude.
  9. Bring. Back. Dibble.
  10. Stop grabbing each other’s Johnsons like you’re holding on for dear life, ya sick bastards.
  11. Install a trap door at home plate in every stadium.
  12. Force all teams to outfit monkeys in full uniform to be first base coach.
  13. Screw the current umps, brings in Drebin’s crew.
  14. Let Gary Sheffield attack pitchers that throw at him.
  15. Hijack the train at Minute Maid Park and burn that thing down in Yuma.
  16. Force the Pirates to bring out their relief pitchers in a wheelbarrow.
  17. Let Joe Torre manage games virtually from his home in Maui.
  18. Allow announcers to openly curse during broadcasts.
  19. Don’t let anyone in MLB shave for the entire season.
  20. Force Tampa to play all home games inside a Hooters with Nerf balls.
  21. Release the Cleveland flies into Joe Buck’s hotel room on every road trip.
  22. Provide a cabinet of tools on the pitcher’s mound so they can really fuck with things.
  23. Force every player caught using steroids to use a chopstick as a bat for 3 months.
  24. Every time someone mentions the courage of David Eckstein they should be submitted to a can of dirty Joba Chamberlain farts.
  25. Make Bartolo Colon and David Wells pitch shirtless.
  26. Put a toilet in left field at Fenway Park.
  27. Find out what happened to the Expos.
  28. Make the Rockies pitching staff throw underhand.

16 Comments

  1. Stonehands

    February 15, 2008 at 12:06 pm

    “Install a trap door at home plate in every stadium.”

    I would really enjoy something like this, particularly when Ortiz does his gay hop into home plate.

  2. jnr98

    February 15, 2008 at 1:29 pm

    Instead of pitching 4 balls intentionally, just say “Intentional” and send the guy to first.

    Instead of batting stats, tell me how many girls he banged this trip, season to date. # of 3 (or more)-somes would be relevant. I want to know who the Triple Crown groupie banger is. I also want a highlight, like “Jeter once nailed 5 groupies in one night while visiting Anaheim in 2003”, or “Sizemore scored 9 times during a 3 game homestand in 2007”. This needs to happen.

    Instead of the team logo shown on TV when a player comes to the plate (or on the stadium screen), we should see a series of pictures of their spouse, girlfriend, etc. If there is no significant other, a picture of their last groupie is acceptable.

    If a player steps out of the box for too long, the Ump can call an automatic strike. Conversely, if the pitcher can’t get his shit together fast enough, automatic ball.

    All dugout conversations will be taped and available as an alternate feed, for $15.99 per year.

    Blood tests taken weekly, at random, and tested for HGH and other PEDs. Enough of this horseshit. It’s a $6B industry, they can afford to ensure players aren’t cheating.

  3. Stonehands

    February 15, 2008 at 1:38 pm

    I’d also like to add for the Royals:

    Instead of taking the ball from the pitcher during a change, just run them over in one those old baseball hat bullpen cars.

    And bring back those cars dammit, they were awesome.

    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2133/1590869165_8e0872dca8.jpg

    http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2420/1602627276_54540383c8_b.jpg

    http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51ZEKCJCE5L._AA280_.jpg

  4. Zen Wizard

    February 15, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    29) Mandatorily rename all teams with wussy, New Age, PC names; like “Seattle Sushi,” “Los Angeles Fushion Cuisine,” and “Washington Dream Catchers” to overcompensate for increased testosterone production caused by rampant ‘roid usage.

  5. Stonehands

    February 15, 2008 at 1:54 pm

    Well played, Zen Wiz.

    30) Play the theme song to Hill Street Blues for all 9 innings during Devil Ray home games.

  6. Zen Wizard

    February 15, 2008 at 2:05 pm

    Thank you, Stonehands.

    31) Force all players to choose between being coiffed by Brian McNamee’s barber or donning a wig from Rusty Hardin’s toupee vendor;

    32) Replace Bud Selig with Sy Sperling.

  7. Zen Wizard

    February 15, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    33) Oh–and equip all basemen and runners with those big Q-Tip thingies they have on American Gladiators.

  8. Von Kaiser

    February 15, 2008 at 2:10 pm

    These are all f’ing hilarious.

    33) Allow Tim McCarver to reeeally grow out his eyebrows so they’re long enough to wrap around the front of his glasses.

  9. Stonehands

    February 15, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    34) Make it mandatory that Dikembe Mutombo sings the Star-Spangled Banner for every single playoff and World Series game.

  10. jnr98

    February 15, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    35) IED’s buried around the infield and outfield. Watch Buck go quietly crazy when uttering: “Pedroia into shallow right, setting under it, *BOOM* there goes Pedroia. Tito cannot be happy with this”

    36) Adopt kickball rules: If you can hit a runner with the ball when he’s not on base: OUT.

  11. jnr98

    February 15, 2008 at 3:54 pm

    37) Every other inning, one player must bat like Super Dave Osborne, straddling the plate, facing the pitcher, bat over his head (tomahawk-style)

  12. The Thrill

    February 15, 2008 at 3:58 pm

    “Pedroia into shallow right, setting under it, *BOOM* there goes Pedroia.”

    Awesome, I can hear him saying that.

    38) Bring. Back. Uecker.

    39) Hire only midgets to be umpires, their close eye to the base would leave less margin for error.

  13. saldoman

    February 16, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    Have nude cheerleaders and eff the game just watch the chics.

  14. Mohawk

    February 16, 2008 at 11:26 pm

    Easy fix: New scoring rules. You get 1/4 run for a base hit, 1/2 run for a double, 3/4 run for triple…and you lose the same for leaving runners on, and you lose 1/4 runs for errors, running mistakes, walks, hit by pitches, missing the cutoff man etc…Then award style runs for things like most mucous volume per spit per inning; most butt cheek grabs of players on your team (while losing runs for butt-cheek grabs of those on opposing teams)….for each inning, apply a differential algebra equation to the scoring ratio. The new heroes would then be the Bill James type-guys, employed by every team to spin the stats in their favor. No need for ‘roids, just stats, and lots of em. Calcuating scoring would take longer than playing the game. That would solve everything.

  15. How do you spell retard?

    February 18, 2008 at 8:43 pm

    Replace ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ with anything by MegaDeth or Slayer.
    Correction:
    Replace ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ with anything by Slayer.
    Fuck Dave Mustaine.

  16. Brenden

    February 19, 2008 at 2:11 pm

    that guy is grabbing his teammates balls and pole. what the hell is pro ball coming to?

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