Sports Hernia Blog

Getting to know Rusty Hardin


I know we’re not alone here, so let’s get to know the always gracefully yellow, Rusty Hardin.

  5’9" (6’8" when speaking from podium)

Weight:  7 cinder blocks

Hair:  Wooden

College:  Cliff Notes dipped in whiskey

Comparable person in sports:  Jerry Jones sans teeth whitening.

Career changing moment:  When he won the job of becoming Clemens’ lead lawyer after successfully
writing an entire legal contract using only a baby back rib.

Career highlights/lowlights

  • First lawyer to wear hunting gear in courtroom.
  • First lawyer to offer whiskey to juror during closing arguments.
  • Once hid key evidence in his cleavage.
  • Was once sued by his own comb-over.
  • Successfully defended Yosemite Sam a whopping 456 times in court, among other high profile celebrity cartoon clients.
  • Made it to Hollywood on first American Idol with rousing rendition of "Are you ready for some football?"
  • Gained notoriety for successfully defending popular grocery chain Piggly Wiggly after they sold month old
    ‘jumbo gulf shrimp as is’, resulting in the disgusting diarrhea outbreak of ’01.

Interesting facts

  • Invented the briefcase phone and still defiantly uses one.
  • Used to date Woody Paige.
  • Hates Erin Brockovich.
  • Sues himself when he’s bored.
  • Owns 106 ties in various shades of urine.
  • Managed Buddy Garrity in the WWF from 1984-1989.
  • Chanted "Let. Them. Play!" at the Astrodome.
  • Drank what was left in that Miller Lite can McNamee submitted to Congress.
  • Commonly mistakes own teeth for pieces of corn.
  • A picture of his nose hangs at the Blarney Stone in Manhattan.
  • When he speaks, cartoon characters like the Gazoo scurry out of his mouth.
  • Puts Br?tt cologne on his sandwiches.
  • Loudly chants "Rus-tee, Rus-tee, Rus-tee!" when he wakes up every morning.
  • Named two of his Nicotine draped teeth, Bo and Bice.
  • Thinks DNA is just another small time wrestling circuit.
  • Watches highlight reel of Ric Flair interviews before delivering opening statements.
  • Commonly asked by people if he’s related to Mr. Furley.
  • Uses scotch as salad dressing.
  • Many members of his entourage are southern leprechauns.
  • Drives a 75-foot 1979 yellow Cadillac that features an entire skeleton of a buffalo as a hood ornament.
  • His house is even yellow.


  1. JA

    February 11, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    Rusty also represented Wade Boggs. Boggs was sued for simple assault by a flight attendant on an airplane chartered by the New York Yankees (after 73 beers). After a two-day civil trial, the jury sided with Rusty in four minutes.

  2. Stonehands

    February 11, 2008 at 3:21 pm

    I heard his teeth were used for the lettering at the new Yankee Stadium

  3. jnr98

    February 11, 2008 at 5:38 pm

    Rusty ain’t skeered of nuttin’, including IRS agents named Novitsky

  4. Tex

    February 12, 2008 at 10:39 am

    He’s a muppet.

  5. Russianator

    February 12, 2008 at 1:50 pm

    And don’t forget – he loves beef-a-reeno, but it gives him bad gas – RUUUUUUUUUUSTY

  6. gerrard sir hornypants

    February 12, 2008 at 10:40 pm

    i need to start doing atleast half of these things

  7. Oak

    February 13, 2008 at 12:21 am

    He was also bullied as a child and seeks revenge by stealing his opponents’ lunches.

    “Clemens will eat your lunch!”

    hahahaha this guy is hilarious. this trial couldn’t have been any more entertaining.

  8. gernblanski

    February 13, 2008 at 9:40 am

    Peppers his casual conversations with friendly pronoun profanties like “you bastard, sumbitch, and mofo”. Also often works in favorite phrase “Sorry don’t feed the bulldog, son” even when it has no context.

  9. Beets

    February 13, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    Even his notepad is yellow

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