Sports Hernia Blog

Getting to know Rusty Hardin


I know we’re not alone here, so let’s get to know the always gracefully yellow, Rusty Hardin.

  5’9" (6’8" when speaking from podium)

Weight:  7 cinder blocks

Hair:  Wooden

College:  Cliff Notes dipped in whiskey

Comparable person in sports:  Jerry Jones sans teeth whitening.

Career changing moment:  When he won the job of becoming Clemens’ lead lawyer after successfully
writing an entire legal contract using only a baby back rib.

Career highlights/lowlights

  • First lawyer to wear hunting gear in courtroom.
  • First lawyer to offer whiskey to juror during closing arguments.
  • Once hid key evidence in his cleavage.
  • Was once sued by his own comb-over.
  • Successfully defended Yosemite Sam a whopping 456 times in court, among other high profile celebrity cartoon clients.
  • Made it to Hollywood on first American Idol with rousing rendition of "Are you ready for some football?"
  • Gained notoriety for successfully defending popular grocery chain Piggly Wiggly after they sold month old
    ‘jumbo gulf shrimp as is’, resulting in the disgusting diarrhea outbreak of ’01.

Interesting facts

  • Invented the briefcase phone and still defiantly uses one.
  • Used to date Woody Paige.
  • Hates Erin Brockovich.
  • Sues himself when he’s bored.
  • Owns 106 ties in various shades of urine.
  • Managed Buddy Garrity in the WWF from 1984-1989.
  • Chanted "Let. Them. Play!" at the Astrodome.
  • Drank what was left in that Miller Lite can McNamee submitted to Congress.
  • Commonly mistakes own teeth for pieces of corn.
  • A picture of his nose hangs at the Blarney Stone in Manhattan.
  • When he speaks, cartoon characters like the Gazoo scurry out of his mouth.
  • Puts Br?tt cologne on his sandwiches.
  • Loudly chants "Rus-tee, Rus-tee, Rus-tee!" when he wakes up every morning.
  • Named two of his Nicotine draped teeth, Bo and Bice.
  • Thinks DNA is just another small time wrestling circuit.
  • Watches highlight reel of Ric Flair interviews before delivering opening statements.
  • Commonly asked by people if he’s related to Mr. Furley.
  • Uses scotch as salad dressing.
  • Many members of his entourage are southern leprechauns.
  • Drives a 75-foot 1979 yellow Cadillac that features an entire skeleton of a buffalo as a hood ornament.
  • His house is even yellow.