Sports Hernia Blog

NFL combine: The lost stories

Tom_brady_nfl_draft_combine_2000

Everyone knows what a shitshow the NFL combine has become, particularly since cameras recently caught Mel Kiper measuring John Clayton’s wingspan and Sean Salisbury’s dongspan.

But the combine actually reached the point of ridiculous far before this year, for instance, did you know that they measure players in the broad jump?  The broad jump?  I’m pretty sure I did this in the 4th grade as part of physical fitness and although the guy in front of me jumped two inches further, it didn’t change the fact that I owned his ass in four square. 

So who gives a shit, right?  When does any player have to do a broad jump in a game besides a Gramatica?

Well after finding out that wide receiver Mario Manningham killed his stock after doing the hop scotch in lieu of the broad jump, and that Notre Dame TE John Carlson likely dropped three rounds because he owns a miniature Schnauzer, seen as a pussy pet, we had to take a look back at some of the most memorable NFL combine highlights and stories.

1984 ? Following the completion of his senior season, Doug Flutie somehow shrinks 4 inches and is shipped
to Canada.

1984 ? Steve Young’s stock plummets after combine barber gives him a grade 9 concussion while tilting his head.

1986 ? Bubby Brister lands himself a spot in the draft with his unique size and agility after Jim Everett launches him 70 yards down field.

1986 ? Interest in Mike Sherrard continues to sky rocket after only breaking his leg three times during the four day combine.

1986 ? Charles Haley’s stock goes through the roof after dominating every physical test and then booting the Madden Cruiser through the uprights.

1986 ? Tim Harris’ stock drops dramatically after killing three scouts with his signature "smoking guns."

1987 ? Jumbo Elliot takes three clown hammers to the gut, thus moving up six rounds on the Giants board.

1988 ? Craig "Ironhead" Hayward’s crafty agents pump Buffalo wing fumes into the Hoosier Dome, leading to his best 40 time of the year and a comfy spot on the Saints roster.

1989 – Tony Mandrich leg presses Mel Kiper Jr. 47 times after seeing him slide to No. 7 on his mock draft

1990 – Ty Detmer milks the football before each impressive toss downfield.  Affect on draft position still unknown.

1990 ? Major Harris shows up to combine in Zubaz pants, sending a clear message that he wants to play exclusively for an arena team.

1991 ? Cardinals get giddy after Eric Swann devours a tackling dummy disguised as a cheesesteak while using the Wonderlic Test as a disproportionate bib.

1992 ? David Klingler launches the ball 900 yards on the fly, managing to nail Willie Gault in stride during his daily jog, vaulting into the first round and cementing himself as a Bengals bust.

1995 ? Mike Mamula secures himself as the Eagles top choice after beating the shit out of Santa Claus.

1995 ? Kyle Brady inadvertently draws attention from Jets scouts after wearing prank fake mustache to first day of combine.

1996 ? Eyebrows are raised after 350-pound offensive lineman Jon Runyan is unable to pin a feisty John Clayton during an impromptu wrestling match within a circle of screaming scouts and GMs.

1997 ? Orlando Pace becomes the lock at No. 1 after dismantling and immediately eating twelve consecutive turnbuckles in less than 30 seconds.

1999 ? Awful quarterback Akili Smith wears a Mel Kiper Jr. wig throughout entire combine, endearing himself to the ESPN draft guru/man-eagle.  The strategy pays off as Smith is suddenly ranked #1 on his big board and signs a $55 million dollar deal.

2000 ? Tom Brady, evoking the charisma and confidence of Andy Dufresne on day one at Shawshank, does enough to dazzle Bill Belichick and eventually land at pick No. 199.

2001 ? Adam Archuleta leaves scouts drooling after performing an impressive one-handed hand stand while balancing spinning pancakes on each foot and the top of his head.

2001 ? Randy Moss performs an impressive double move on security at the Ramada leading to an exciting cannonball in the hotel pool, winning the heart of Vikings coach Denny Green and securing himself a spot in the first round.

2004 ? USC Sophomore WR Mike Williams makes the mistake of wearing a self-made t-shirt during the 2004 combine that read "Hey, look how young I am!"

2008 ? Offensive tackle Jason Long’s stock continues to plummet after failing to open
up a Classico ‘Red Peppers & Onion sauce jar for Bill Parcells.

****

Shocking photo courtesy of  The Big Lead

5 Comments

  1. Stonehands

    February 29, 2008 at 11:19 am

    Look away, I’m hideous!

  2. Zen Wizard

    February 29, 2008 at 2:15 pm

    What about that IQ test they take?

    Surely some cementhead somewhere was rejected for that.

    I mean, like, in the history of the sport.

    I guess, though, if you graduated from LSU for instance, you had to at least be smart enough to find your dorm room every night.

  3. Marv

    February 29, 2008 at 5:49 pm

    I will call someone a cementhead this weekend.

    I’m looking at you, dad!

  4. Purple Jesus

    March 2, 2008 at 4:09 pm

    Why was Randy Moss at the 2001 combine? I’m confused.

  5. The Sports Hernia

    March 2, 2008 at 6:39 pm

    Who knows, we’re drunk.

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