Sports Hernia Blog

Misleading NFL contracts bleed into other industries


Headlining the recent string of hilariously misleading and inflated new NFL contracts is the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger, who just agreed to an 8-year, $102 million deal, with just $35 million of that in actual, guaranteed money.  While that’s still a lot of cash, it’s roughly just a third of the publicly announced dollar amount, thus making it sound much crazier than it actually is and causing morons to pound their chest and throw feces at one another. 

Nevertheless, the attractive trend continues and is even catching on in other sports and industries:

  1. U.S. Prison System sign Bengals to 6-year deal; 2 shivs guaranteed.
  2. Bush gets $7 million deal for post-presidency speeches; crowds consisting of 18 teeth total guaranteed.
  3. Michael Vick signs Scrappy-doo to 5-year contract; 10 million Scooby snacks guaranteed.
  4. Tom signs Jerry to 5-year deal; over 109 in false friendship offerings guaranteed.
  5. WWF brings back Jose Luis Rivera and signs him to 14-year deal; 5 chalupas in guaranteed money.
  6. ACME sign Wild E. Coyote to 8-year, $16 million deal; 9 anvils dropped on the head guaranteed.
  7. Stewart, Reynold & Associates sign middle manager Pat Kowalski to $5 million contract; $12,000 in guaranteed money.
  8. Stimpy inks Ren to $112 million in Kitty Litter with 14 rubber nipples guaranteed.
  9. Itchy lures Scratchy in with $94 million deal, 89 different miserable deaths guaranteed.
  10. Larry signs Balki to 6-year, $66 million deal; 3 embarrassing reality show appearances guaranteed.
  11. Mormons sign Shawn Bradley to 9-year, $999 million deal; 9,000 pathetic shoving matches guaranteed.

One Comment

  1. Zen Wizard

    March 4, 2008 at 1:22 pm

    One Sports Talk radio yak broke down Roethlisberger’s guarantee thusly: It is roughly $32,000 per attempted pass, which is–you guessed it–the median income for a Pittsburgh worker.

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