- Ode To Grantland
- Cris Collinsworth Has Actually ‘Seen Everything’
- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly Argues Over An Eggplant, A Peach And A Smiley Face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
Misleading NFL contracts bleed into other industries
- Updated: March 4, 2008
Headlining the recent string of hilariously misleading and inflated new NFL contracts is the Steelers and Ben Roethlisberger, who just agreed to an 8-year, $102 million deal, with just $35 million of that in actual, guaranteed money. While that’s still a lot of cash, it’s roughly just a third of the publicly announced dollar amount, thus making it sound much crazier than it actually is and causing morons to pound their chest and throw feces at one another.
Nevertheless, the attractive trend continues and is even catching on in other sports and industries:
- U.S. Prison System sign Bengals to 6-year deal; 2 shivs guaranteed.
- Bush gets $7 million deal for post-presidency speeches; crowds consisting of 18 teeth total guaranteed.
- Michael Vick signs Scrappy-doo to 5-year contract; 10 million Scooby snacks guaranteed.
- Tom signs Jerry to 5-year deal; over 109 in false friendship offerings guaranteed.
- WWF brings back Jose Luis Rivera and signs him to 14-year deal; 5 chalupas in guaranteed money.
- ACME sign Wild E. Coyote to 8-year, $16 million deal; 9 anvils dropped on the head guaranteed.
- Stewart, Reynold & Associates sign middle manager Pat Kowalski to $5 million contract; $12,000 in guaranteed money.
- Stimpy inks Ren to $112 million in Kitty Litter with 14 rubber nipples guaranteed.
- Itchy lures Scratchy in with $94 million deal, 89 different miserable deaths guaranteed.
- Larry signs Balki to 6-year, $66 million deal; 3 embarrassing reality show appearances guaranteed.
- Mormons sign Shawn Bradley to 9-year, $999 million deal; 9,000 pathetic shoving matches guaranteed.