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Viewing tips for the NFL Draft
- Updated: April 25, 2008
? Every time Chris Mortenson reminds you of a toad, catch a fly with your tongue.
? If you get any of your mock draft picks wrong, wrestle yourself.
? Keep some handy wipes close by for when Tom Jackson spits on your television screen.
? Wearing a helmet, jersey, socks, wristbands, Zubaz and sitting in a blow-up Helmet chair doesn’t help your team, so dress and sit like a normal person, dickhead.
? When John Clayton appears, play with your Beaker doll.
? Go to a bar in a pin-striped suit and sit at a round table. Pick up your phone and then suddenly raise your arms in the air, say thank you and then do the Sapp booty dance.
? Your Sports Illustrated helmet phone is unplugged, so stop pretending you’re talking to someone at the draft.
? Each time you grow a mustache, shave it off and give it to your friend. See how many you can dish out by the end of the first day.
? Time travel to your team’s pick in each round so you can actually do something with your pathetic day.
? If your a Jets fan, don’t be shy, throw a little cyanide into your drinking helmet.
? When an ex-QB sticks up for another QB, ask your dog to suplex you into the television set.
? Knock on your neighbor’s doors and tell them everyone is watching the draft at the Peach Pit.
? Every time Mel Kiper talks, eat some cat nip.
? Attend the draft in person and continually shout "Interstate 95, Jets nothing."
? Every time Mel Kiper scowls, gun down an innocent bird in your backyard.
? If your team happens to take a kicker, punt something.
? Every time Mel Kiper seduces you with his eyes, take a shower.
? Walk around your living room as if you’re in an Under Armour commercial.
? Every time Mel Kiper takes off his glasses, do the Merton Hanks chicken dance.
? Go to the McDonalds drive-thru and say "With the 1st pick, I select… The Spicy Chicken Meal."
? Every time Mel Kiper pins McShay, run towards the TV and pound a 1-2-3 count into the floor.
? Every time you see a player on his cell phone, send a dong text to an intern at your office.
? Shake things up a bit, call Sal Paolantonio and claim Bruce McNall has already signed away the #1 pick to the CFL.
? Every time ESPN pans to anyone, say aloud "you see, he’s wearing a toupee."
? Try to convince everyone that the real reason Darren McFadden’s stock is slipping is because he hired Slick as his agent.
? Tell everyone that Chris Long will be drafted by Radio Shack.
? Ever eat mini-corndogs? Have a tray of them, tubbie.
? Dazzle area slags with pickup lines like "I’ll be your Kiper tonight," "I am a player, but I’m not timed in seconds" and "I used to long snap."
? Question the "coachability" of any player with cornrows.
? Anytime a large O-Lineman appears, declare as loud as possible "They timed that guy in the 40 with a calendar!" Then jiggle your belly, high-five yourself and put your face in a cake.
? If you have a child, force them to wear a Mel Kiper wig.
? If possible, burn Jabba the Hut’s movie dialogue and laughing to a CD and play it over your loudspeakers whenever Chris Berman speaks.
? To really get into the draft vibe, make sure your feet are dipped in blue cheese at all times.
? As always, cheeseburger earmuffs are recommended.