Sports Hernia Blog

Viewing tips for the NFL Draft

Chris_mortenson_toad_phixr

? Every time Chris Mortenson reminds you of a toad, catch a fly with your tongue.

? If you get any of your mock draft picks wrong, wrestle yourself.

? Keep some handy wipes close by for when Tom Jackson spits on your television screen.

? Wearing a helmet, jersey, socks, wristbands, Zubaz and sitting in a blow-up Helmet chair doesn’t help your team, so dress and sit like a normal person, dickhead.

? When John Clayton appears, play with your Beaker doll.

? Go to a bar in a pin-striped suit and sit at a round table.  Pick up your phone and then suddenly raise your arms in the air, say thank you and then do the Sapp booty dance.

? Your Sports Illustrated helmet phone is unplugged, so stop pretending you’re talking to someone at the draft.

? Each time you grow a mustache, shave it off and give it to your friend.  See how many you can dish out by the end of the first day.

? Time travel to your team’s pick in each round so you can actually do something with your pathetic day.

? If your a Jets fan, don’t be shy, throw a little cyanide into your drinking helmet.

? When an ex-QB sticks up for another QB, ask your dog to suplex you into the television set.

? Knock on your neighbor’s doors and tell them everyone is watching the draft at the Peach Pit.

? Every time Mel Kiper talks, eat some cat nip.

? Attend the draft in person and continually shout "Interstate 95, Jets nothing."

? Every time Mel Kiper scowls, gun down an innocent bird in your backyard.

? If your team happens to take a kicker, punt something.

? Every time Mel Kiper seduces you with his eyes, take a shower.

? Walk around your living room as if you’re in an Under Armour commercial.

? Every time Mel Kiper takes off his glasses, do the Merton Hanks chicken dance.

? Go to the McDonalds drive-thru and say "With the 1st pick, I select… The Spicy Chicken Meal."

? Every time Mel Kiper pins McShay, run towards the TV and pound a 1-2-3 count into the floor.

? Every time you see a player on his cell phone, send a dong text to an intern at your office.

? Shake things up a bit, call Sal Paolantonio and claim Bruce McNall has already signed away the #1 pick to the CFL.

? Every time ESPN pans to anyone, say aloud "you see, he’s wearing a toupee."

? Try to convince everyone that the real reason Darren McFadden’s stock is slipping is because he hired Slick as his agent.

? Tell everyone that Chris Long will be drafted by Radio Shack.

? Ever eat mini-corndogs?  Have a tray of them, tubbie.

? Dazzle area slags with pickup lines like "I’ll be your Kiper tonight," "I am a player, but I’m not timed in seconds" and "I used to long snap."

? Question the "coachability" of any player with cornrows.

? Anytime a large O-Lineman appears, declare as loud as possible "They timed that guy in the 40 with a calendar!"  Then jiggle your belly, high-five yourself and put your face in a cake.

? If you have a child, force them to wear a Mel Kiper wig.

? If possible, burn Jabba the Hut’s movie dialogue and laughing to a CD and play it over your loudspeakers whenever Chris Berman speaks.

? To really get into the draft vibe, make sure your feet are dipped in blue cheese at all times.

? As always, cheeseburger earmuffs are recommended.

3 Comments

  1. How do you spell retard?

    April 25, 2008 at 3:34 pm

    My favorite:
    ? Walk around your living room as if you’re in an Under Armour commercial.

    How I loathe Under Armour(‘u’, what is this Communist England?) and your extremely wide necked t-shirts.

  2. ben

    April 25, 2008 at 4:01 pm

    whose the white dude that stares the viewer down in that last ‘click-click’ under armour commerical?

  3. Marv

    April 26, 2008 at 10:12 am

    You’ll be sitting down for two straight days, so throw some hemorrhoid medication up your ass as a precautionary measure.

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