Sports Hernia Blog

Legendary foreign draft prospects of the NBA

With the always humorous NBA draft less than a week away, the Sports Hernia took an emotional look back at past legends of Europe that have hit the league, yet have somehow already been forgotten.  So go ahead and finish growing out that Sarunas Marciulionis mustache you’ve been talking about, throw in some awful Halloween teeth and enjoy the ride.

Brad Newley
(54th pick, Orlando Magic — 2007)
Vital Stats:  Two webbed feet
Interesting Fact:  Hates the Utah Jazz.  Those things you see behind him are puppeteer strings used by his coach that assist him in getting proper positioning underneath.
Listed NBA ComparisonScouting report says ‘N/A’ — Wow. So final, as if there will never be a comparison to Newley.  A simple "We’ll get back to you" would’ve sufficed.
Recommended NBA comparison:  Lloyd Christmas.  Funnily enough, Newley is actually from Austria:
"Austria!  Well, then.  G’day mate!  Let’s put another shrimp on the barbie!"
Already independently wealthy as a result of the lucrative  modeling contract he signed with ‘got2b’ hair gel, so scouts know this Aussie is playing for the love of getting dunked on.  The graceful stud had always wondered why everyone he was speaking to had their eyes rolled into the back of their heads until he later realized they were just looking
at his forehead.


Ha-Sueng Jin
(47th pick, Portland Trailblazers — 2004)
Country: South Korea
Vital Stats12’7, 855 lbs
Interesting Fact: Jin was discovered by Chad Ford on the South Korean eHarmony (see profile pic above).  Has boned your girlfriend.
Listed NBA comparison:  Mark Eaton.
Recommended NBA comparison:   Arco Arena Jumbotron.
Notes: Only player to wear a leather coat during all pre-draft workouts.  The only English he knows is "Baaby Ruuth!"


Chiekh Samb
(51st pick, Detroit Pistons — 2006)
Vital Stats7’1, 126 lbs
Interesting FactAfter reading up on his lengthy list of weaknesses we did a rough
translation as to what the scouts meant.  They might want to revise it
to this, just so things are a bit more clear:  ‘Doesn’t quite
understand the game, is unsure he’s playing basketball, does not know
where he is and is not happy to be there.  Also dislikes photographers.’
Listed NBA ComparisonN/A
Recommended NBA Comparison:  A much less physical Manute Bol.
Notes Lacks shoulders, as arms are duct-taped to torso, making shot blocking ability even more impressive.  Would like to be left alone.


Joel Freeland
(30th pick, Portland Trailblazers — 2006)
Country: England
Vital Stats:  3 visible chest hairs.
Intersting Fact:   Wears humorous "I’m With Joel" t-shirt when rolling with Joel Pryzbilla.
Listed NBA comparison:  Keon Clark.  Upon
finding this out, Freeland couldn’t believe how much his NBA career was about to suck.  Also, sounds like a Keebler Elf when speaking.
Notes:  Freeland still can’t believe he was taken 30th overall; he also can’t believe he took honorable mention at the 8th grade Science Fair last
week. His bad-boy image stems from several suspensions for reading Harry Potter during pre-game film study.


Cenk Akyol
(59th pick, Atlanta Hawks — 2005)
Country:  Turkey
Vital StatIs actually a 9-year-old with a thyroid condition
Intersting Fact:  Really loves to meet people.  Has no idea he was chosen by the Hawks in 2005.
Listed NBA comparisonSurprise, ‘N/A’
Recommended NBA comparison
A younger, more fun Jeff Foster, but with a mean streak like Ricky Davis.
Notes:  Would like to contact the Hawks about an eventual flight to Atlanta. Is a total shoe whore. Plays keyboards for electro-clash group Turkeyfried.


Renaldas Seibutis
(50th pick, Dallas Mavericks — 2007)
Country:  Lithuania
Vital Stats13 murders last season.
Interesting Fact:  Loves Milwaukee.  Hates rejection.  Was conceived by Ivan Drago and a pitbull.
Listed NBA Comparison:  Fred Roberts/Brad Lohaus.
Recommended NBA comparisonJeff Van Gundy on Alonzo Mourning’s leg.
NotesHated puberty.  Has a restraining order on Chad Ford.  Still not sure how he feels about being exposed to a new gene pool.


Stanko Barac
(39th Pick, Miami Heat — 2007)
Country: Bosnia
Vital Stats: Amazing 76" wingspan on ears.
Intersting FactRides a giant Sheep Dog to practice.  Loves Benny Hill.  Has dunked on Milosovic’s head in a pick up game.
Listed NBA comparison:  "Wang Zhi Zhi" — Guess that’s better than Frankenstein.
NotesWing span is said to be as wide as a human mass grave.  Is dying to grow a Divac beard, but since he hasn’t reached puberty, he will run with that shitty chin hair.


Albert Miralles
(40th, Toronto Raptors — 2004)
Country: Spain
Vital Stats: 37 visits to Dr. Zizmor.
Interesting Fact:
  Will one day encompass Dick Bavetta’s bald head
with his armpit.  Also, one of only 3 players in europe still allowed to wear a cape during games.
Listed NBA comparison:  N/A
Recommended NBA comparison:  Tim Duncan/Brad Daugherty’s hairline.
Notes: Killed the photographer who took this picture after he had the audacity to charge for retouching but never actually did it.  Averages 10 points more per game when "The Monster Mash" is played during introductions.


Kyrylo Fesenko
(38th pick, Philedelphia 76ers — 2007)
Country: Ukraine
Vital Stats: Pays $100 for a haircut.
Intersting Fact:  The most interesting fact about Fesenko is what a god damn mystery he is. 
Listed NBA comparison:  N/A
Recommended NBA Comparison: Kelly Tripucks v2.0
Tends to face the wrong way.  Not known to get good position underneath.   Often times flies out of  the paint in a ballerina-like fashion.  When drafted, Fesenko dramatically walked on stage
backwards and spun around to reveal his deadly "Magnum II" look to an awestruck David Stern and NYC crowd.


  1. Truth About It Dot Net

    June 19, 2008 at 3:18 pm


    Nice work.

  2. Zen Wizard

    June 19, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    Your insights will also be most welcome when L’il Romeo is up for the draft.

  3. JJ

    June 19, 2008 at 4:18 pm


  4. jnr98

    June 20, 2008 at 1:42 pm

    the Dr. Zizmor link is such a great NY-insider joke. LOVE it

  5. Stonehands

    June 20, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    Holy crap. Ha-Sueng Jin for President, anything, what an inviting, warm disposition.

  6. Chutney

    June 20, 2008 at 2:33 pm

    Remon van de Hare!

  7. Matt

    June 20, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    ummm, you are forgetting the most important of all Tiago Splitter. That dude has been on since 2000, has he even been drafted yet?

  8. gerrard sir hornypants

    June 20, 2008 at 3:40 pm

    good point on Tiaggo Splitter…. he was finally drafted by the Spurs i think. i loved how every year he went down atleast 5 spots..

  9. John

    June 20, 2008 at 4:08 pm

    Where’s the man who started it all? Frederic Weis.

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