Sports Hernia Blog

Kruk’s flaccid hair stuck in typical July slump


As we all know baseball season is a six month grind and just like any other sport, certain patterns and trends develop, some guys tend to play great in May (A-Rod), some guys tend to shrivel up in October (A-Rod), and some guys just go into slumps during the heat of the summer (Royals, Orioles, Nationals).  But we’ve learned over time that analysts aren’t immune to slumps either, and the month of July is once again one of those unfortunate times for Baseball Tonight’s lovable John Kruk. 

He’s looking like a man desperately trying to hang on here, a man whose naked second chin is in dire need of a beard, and a man quite familiar with humbling hair days, as he suffered nearly the same exact pride-neutering moment last summer when his hair lost a battle to humidity, gravity and despair.

We assume Krukie isn’t actually going for this look since he will miraculously look like this tomorrow, and we imagine that he loathes the disgusting summer humidity in Connecticut much like he loathes diet wing sauce, so one suggestion to the folks at ESPN is to have a dedicated herd of interns follow this gentleman around the Bristol campus and squirt him with these mist fans.   

Sadly, it could be October before his hair finds the strength to unite and literally take a stand.


Kruk’s checkered hair history:

John Kruk kicks off 2007 season telling stylist to "give me the Melrose with a splash of Giambi"
Update: Kruk’s condition worsening
Update: Jailbreak inside John Kruk’s mullet sprouts sudden perm
Kruk’s hair stuck in a monsterous slump
Kruk kicks off 2008 season with unkempt Ewok look


  1. jnr98

    July 8, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    This Kruk/hair series is just f’ing brillint.

  2. Zen Wizard

    July 8, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    I am not seeing a Just For Men commercial in his future.

  3. UpstateUnderdog

    July 8, 2008 at 2:50 pm

    I expect Kruk’s hair to make a big comeback after the All-Star break.

  4. UpstateUnderdog

    July 8, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    I expect Kruk’s hair to make a big comeback after the All-Star break.

  5. Zen Wizard

    July 8, 2008 at 4:44 pm

    Does Jose Eber make housecalls–if it’s an emergency?

  6. Bob

    July 8, 2008 at 6:01 pm

    Maybe his hair just needs a day off?

  7. America's White Boy

    July 8, 2008 at 8:09 pm

    C’mon guys, we all know that Kruk’s hair is a slow-starter….

  8. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    July 9, 2008 at 6:05 am

    He looks like one of the “Gorgs” from Fraggle Rock. His behavior seems to be consistent too. He is the new Junior Gorg.

  9. Squigg

    July 9, 2008 at 9:44 am

    Will he PLEASE go talk to Kramer and Newman and get a new shower head off the Black Market? That will fix the issue immediately.

  10. Von Kaiser

    July 9, 2008 at 10:37 am

    His face will explode by September 1st.

  11. How do you spell retard?

    July 9, 2008 at 9:00 pm

    Need to send the hair down to triple A to work on its mechanics.

  12. Stonehands

    July 9, 2008 at 10:08 pm

    Kruk’s hair just hasn’t found the inspiration that Sean Salisbury’s dong did.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *