New Madden 09 features revealed!!

Another year, and another round of sizzling new features for the wildly popular Madden gaming series.  Just like last year, the Hernia mole was able to get an advanced copy and unlock many of the new exciting features.  Here’s his report: 

• Play even more online games with the new "I’m never getting laid" mode.
• Print out a picture of your worst enemy and paste in on the game’s cover for your very own voodoo case!
• Unlock secret mode with the Steelers & Browns to play Excitebike with Big Ben and Lieutenant Winslow
• Ultra-Realistic Gameplay: Unless you trade him out of New Orleans, Jeremy Shockey will go on the DL by Week 3 (gonorrhea)
• New Wii edition comes with life-like replica of Jets center Nick Mangold’s crotch to take all snaps from
• Compete in preseason boxing matches with Steve Smith
• New "Pacman Tank" feature allows Cowboys to acquire any and all active criminals
• Choose from over 14 different in-season Tony Romo distractions to play with
• New feature let’s you upload your current fantasy football roster as
  your team, once this is complete you will immediately be mailed the
  Super Madden Masturbating Kit, since you won’t see a vagina for the
  next 10 years
• Put on the Spanish language feature and laugh as the announcer refers to Chad Johnson as "Eight Five."
• N.Y. Jets now included in game!
• Hit L1, trigger and R2 at the same time and watch Jason Taylor change outfits, raise his arms and dance, dance, dance!
• Due to licensing issues, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to be replaced on sidelines with Skeksis
• Exciting new 11-on-3 Emmitt Smith "get debacled" mode.
• Go undefeated for the season and play bonus game of Contra with your two favorite NFL gun-toting assholes.
• Fuck it: Chicago Bears don’t even have a QB on their roster
• More engaging preseason mode that lets you select where to have your team hooker party; on a boat or at Dante Culpeppers mansion.
• Play one game with the 18-0 Patriots!
• Left-Right-Up-Down-Left-twirl-A-B-A-O-L-R unlocks Bill Belichecks MILF mistresses bra (to which can be placed on Belicheck’s head or manboobs)
• Win the Superbowl with the Detroit Lions and literally become the next head coach of the Lions

9 Comments

1. 

   ForWhomJayBellTolls

   August 14, 2008 at 1:39 pm

   To unlock Tony Siragusa for gameplay, fry an entire clove of garlic and eat it in one sitting

   Reply
2. 

   ForWhomJayBellTolls

   August 14, 2008 at 1:51 pm

   To unlock the 1994-1995 Dallas Cowboys, do an 8-ball at halftime of any Cowboys game. (Must be at least 6 minute quarters and playing on all-Madden level.)

   Reply
3. 

   ForWhomJayBellTolls

   August 14, 2008 at 2:06 pm

   Win the special online tournament of champions (held at end of season) and the real life John Madden will come to your house and take a dump in your toilet.

   Reply
4. 

   Zen Wizard

   August 14, 2008 at 2:13 pm

   Comic Gold!

   If the Swedish wrestler would have gotten this, he wouldn’t have thrown it down!

   http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/08/14/2335908.htm?section=world&site=olympics/2008

   Okay that is a strained metaphor…

   Reply
5. 

   ForWhomJayBellTolls

   August 14, 2008 at 5:13 pm

   To enter Pat Summerall mode, take 2 somas, 4 valium, smoke a joint, and drink a quart of Austin Nichols Wild Turkey.

   Reply
6. 

   ForWhomJayBellTolls

   August 14, 2008 at 7:32 pm

   I love how the kid on the right is trying to look tough and cool. The dude on the left, he just knows he’s lame and is content with it. He’s sitting there looking at his friends dog and wondering what it would be like to screw it. Also, he just farted.

   Reply
7. 

   gamer geoff

   August 20, 2008 at 2:57 pm

   why would they be lame? because they play video games? everyone plays video games. i do, and i’m about as popular and cool as you can get. trust me.

   Reply
8. 

   mkrob.com

   August 22, 2008 at 1:37 am

   THE GREATEST FOOTBALL GAME EVER MADE!!!

   Reply
9. 

   Sports Blogger

   September 15, 2008 at 1:23 pm

   do you get the face masks with the game? lol

   Reply