- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
- LeBron’s Wild Hairline Fits Larry O’Brien Trophy … and a Chew Toy
- “Danny Farts Ball” Video Has 500K Views
- The Boston Globe Has Officially Stopped Giving A Shit
- Detroit Lions Take Sucking to An All New Level
- Sepp Blatter Resigns, Vince McMahon Rumored as Replacement
- Family Guy Called the Bruce Jenner “Situation” Quite Some Time Ago; Twice
- T.J. Miller Wins Hernia Immunity For 25 Years
New Madden 09 features revealed!!
- Updated: August 14, 2008
Another year, and another round of sizzling new features for the wildly popular Madden gaming series. Just like last year, the Hernia mole was able to get an advanced copy and unlock many of the new exciting features. Here’s his report:
- Play even more online games with the new "I’m never getting laid" mode.
- Print out a picture of your worst enemy and paste in on the game’s cover for your very own voodoo case!
- Unlock secret mode with the Steelers & Browns to play Excitebike with Big Ben and Lieutenant Winslow
- Ultra-Realistic Gameplay: Unless you trade him out of New Orleans, Jeremy Shockey will go on the DL by Week 3 (gonorrhea)
- New Wii edition comes with life-like replica of Jets center Nick Mangold’s crotch to take all snaps from
- Compete in preseason boxing matches with Steve Smith
- New "Pacman Tank" feature allows Cowboys to acquire any and all active criminals
- Choose from over 14 different in-season Tony Romo distractions to play with
- New feature let’s you upload your current fantasy football roster as
your team, once this is complete you will immediately be mailed the
Super Madden Masturbating Kit, since you won’t see a vagina for the
next 10 years
- Put on the Spanish language feature and laugh as the announcer refers to Chad Johnson as "Eight Five."
- N.Y. Jets now included in game!
- Hit L1, trigger and R2 at the same time and watch Jason Taylor change outfits, raise his arms and dance, dance, dance!
- Due to licensing issues, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to be replaced on sidelines with Skeksis
- Exciting new 11-on-3 Emmitt Smith "get debacled" mode.
- Go undefeated for the season and play bonus game of Contra with your two favorite NFL gun-toting assholes.
- Fuck it: Chicago Bears don’t even have a QB on their roster
- More engaging preseason mode that lets you select where to have your team hooker party; on a boat or at Dante Culpeppers mansion.
- Play one game with the 18-0 Patriots!
- Left-Right-Up-Down-Left-twirl-A-B-A-O-L-R unlocks Bill Belichecks MILF mistresses bra (to which can be placed on Belicheck’s head or manboobs)
- Win the Superbowl with the Detroit Lions and literally become the next head coach of the Lions