Time for the asshat mailbag

The question above inspired our own additions to Bill’s ever-fresh mailbag, particularly the words, "I turn to you, Mr. Sports guy."  Get porked. 

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Sports Guy,

My buddy thinks he got crabs from a stripper in Las Vegas.  But his girlfriend has crabs too.  Is there some sort of draft day deal that you can relate this to?

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Hey Sports Guy,

Should I be concerned that I’m 35 years old and referencing another
grown man as "The Sports Guy"?  Thanks Sports Guy, appreciate your
feedback.

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Hi Bill,

It’s funny when you compare stuff to other stuff.  That
stuff is so funny, it reminds me of funny stuff when you compare stuff
to other stuff.  Like even this email, you could turn this stuff into
some funny stuff by comparing it to some stuff.

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SG,

I
farted in someone’s office at work that had two girls in it.  Can you
compare this to a movie and tell us how my fart incident eerily parallels to said
movie and its corresponding characters?

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Dear Sports Guy,

If I’m Screech, and your clearly Zach, and Bill
Belichick is Mr. Belding, who is AC Slater?  And can you make this
analogy for every Red Sox team over the past 30 years and make sure
its at least 75,000 words?  Oh, and can you also include that lady that served me Munchkins at Dunkin Donuts this morning in the analogy?  Thanks!

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To the great Sports Guy,

You are the Sports Guy and will always be
the Sports Guy, no matter how old you are or even if you are dead.  Will the Sports Gal ever become a Sports Lady or Sports Woman?  Go Sox.

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Dear Sports Guy,

Please publish my home address so The Sports Hernia staff can mail me a bag of shit for actually typing "Dear Sports Guy".

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Dear SG,

Should I be concerned that I masturbate to
the Karate Kid on a nightly basis and have created a Fathead of you that sticks to the wall
above my bed? 

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Hey Bill,

I would love to ask, "what would the Sports Guy do" in reference to the
Brady situation, but I fear I will be violently hogtied, shoved into an
industrial strength garbage bag and dropped into the Atlantic by the
Sports Hernia’s "Brooklyn affiliates."

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Simmons,

When you hear "Kelly," who do you immediately think of?

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SG,

If held at gun point, who would you receive anal from:  Mack from "The Program," a dead Len Bias or Aaron Boone?

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Mr. Simmons,

Me and my friends have a running argument going and we need the Sports Guys help… (I’d
love to finish this thought but my house is being sprayed with colorful
paint by rogue sports bloggers armed with Gotcha guns).

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Billyboy,

It speaks volumes about how much these fake questions could easily be confused for real ones, doesn’t it?

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