Sports Hernia Blog

Time for the asshat mailbag


The question above inspired our own additions to Bill’s ever-fresh mailbag, particularly the words, "I turn to you, Mr. Sports guy."  Get porked. 


Sports Guy,

My buddy thinks he got crabs from a stripper in Las Vegas.  But his girlfriend has crabs too.  Is there some sort of draft day deal that you can relate this to?


Hey Sports Guy,

Should I be concerned that I’m 35 years old and referencing another
grown man as "The Sports Guy"?  Thanks Sports Guy, appreciate your


Hi Bill,

It’s funny when you compare stuff to other stuff.  That
stuff is so funny, it reminds me of funny stuff when you compare stuff
to other stuff.  Like even this email, you could turn this stuff into
some funny stuff by comparing it to some stuff.



farted in someone’s office at work that had two girls in it.  Can you
compare this to a movie and tell us how my fart incident eerily parallels to said
movie and its corresponding characters?


Dear Sports Guy,

If I’m Screech, and your clearly Zach, and Bill
Belichick is Mr. Belding, who is AC Slater?  And can you make this
analogy for every Red Sox team over the past 30 years and make sure
its at least 75,000 words?  Oh, and can you also include that lady that served me Munchkins at Dunkin Donuts this morning in the analogy?  Thanks!


To the great Sports Guy,

You are the Sports Guy and will always be
the Sports Guy, no matter how old you are or even if you are dead.  Will the Sports Gal ever become a Sports Lady or Sports Woman?  Go Sox.


Dear Sports Guy,

Please publish my home address so The Sports Hernia staff can mail me a bag of shit for actually typing "Dear Sports Guy".


Dear SG,

Should I be concerned that I masturbate to
the Karate Kid on a nightly basis and have created a Fathead of you that sticks to the wall
above my bed? 


Hey Bill,

I would love to ask, "what would the Sports Guy do" in reference to the
Brady situation, but I fear I will be violently hogtied, shoved into an
industrial strength garbage bag and dropped into the Atlantic by the
Sports Hernia’s "Brooklyn affiliates."



When you hear "Kelly," who do you immediately think of?



If held at gun point, who would you receive anal from:  Mack from "The Program," a dead Len Bias or Aaron Boone?


Mr. Simmons,

Me and my friends have a running argument going and we need the Sports Guys help… (I’d
love to finish this thought but my house is being sprayed with colorful
paint by rogue sports bloggers armed with Gotcha guns).



It speaks volumes about how much these fake questions could easily be confused for real ones, doesn’t it?


  1. Stonehands

    September 10, 2008 at 12:16 pm

    Dear Sports Guy,

    Lunchbox or brown bag? If lunch box, which TV show did it have on it?

  2. Rev. Paul Revere

    September 10, 2008 at 1:24 pm

    Dear Sports Guy,

    How hard is it writing 2 million word columns, coming up with your own reader e-mails and getting in touch with your feminine side as the Sports Gal? And is your daughter 18 yet?

    Dahhhkkeeee Hater Boston fan.

  3. carlos

    September 10, 2008 at 1:30 pm

    Hiya Sports Guy,

    I’m a freshman in college now and already finding it nearly impossible to get laid. What would The Sports Guy do?

  4. Rock Thunderballs

    September 10, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    Dear Sports Guy,
    What is the rule on wiping one’s own ass? 1 swipe and done, no matter how messy? Wipe until it is clean?

    Also, how long is too long to sit on the crapper? 5 minutes? 15 minutes? Until you legs fall to sleep?

  5. edgy edgar

    September 10, 2008 at 2:14 pm

    This is so true, I mean what are these people thinking? what kind of lives are they living?

  6. winston

    September 10, 2008 at 3:12 pm

    Dearest Sports Guy,
    Could the worst thing about your “columns” be how your readers imitate the way you speak / write? I’m throwing up in my own mouth right now. Could we get someone at the League Office to look into this? This needs to happen. My editors are electrocuting me as I type this.

  7. Von Kaiser

    September 10, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Yo Simmons,

    Who’s in your five? Seriously.

    And if you were me, who would you put in your five?

  8. Zen Wizard

    September 10, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    Dear Sports Guy:

    How can your ex-girlfriend who lives way across the continent tell when you have REALLY forgotten her–and when you are just PRETENDING to forget her by not calling?

    (Oh, wait: that’s “Dear ‘Trent Walker’ on ‘Swingers'”…)


    September 10, 2008 at 8:26 pm


  10. MadmanMundt

    September 10, 2008 at 11:01 pm

    Dear Sports Guy,

    If you ever write a piece comparing yourself and Rick Reilly to two clashing characters on a crappy reality show centered around moronic rich kids, I will crush your nut sack in a waffle iron. Just a heads up.

  11. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    September 11, 2008 at 12:31 am

    Dear Sports Douche,

    Did you ever notice how following Boston sports teams are like playing with Gotcha! guns? At first, you get this blue shit all over you and you are pissed off, but then it gets better and you think you really didn’t get anything on you but some water. But then, the next day, you look at your shirt and it still kind of looks like it has a blue stain on it, so you go over to the kids house that sprayed you and steal his Rygar Nintendo game.

  12. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    September 11, 2008 at 2:08 am

    For real, everyone in Vegas hates the sports guy. He always writes about the town like he knows what the fuck he is talking about. If I was Frank Rizzo I’d fire him right down into the fuckin yard. But really, having (rather unfortunately) gone to high school and college in Vegas, I can tell you that this guy doesn’t know shit about the city on or off the strip, we hate pricks like him and his douche friends, and if most of locals ever saw him we would likely call our thuggish friends to rob and maim his ass while he stands outside Ceaser’s Palace taking notes and trying to come up with a metaphor about Paul Pierce. (We don’t do our own dirt in Vegas anymore….Look I’m writing in parentheses like Simmons!)

    Vegas is a total shit town don’t get me wrong, but it deserves better than this homo prancing all over it in his columns like it’s FAO Schwartz and he is the kid from “The Toy”. (That kid later did porn)

    (I can’t stop writing in parentheses now I’m turning into Simmons argghhhhh…..)

  13. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    September 11, 2008 at 2:30 am

    Q: Dear Sports Guy,

    I turned on my Madden 08 game today, and Vince Young all the sudden wasn’t available on account of suicidal tendencies! lolz! But seriously, sports dong, are we looking at a future where our video games take on real life variables? (ala Favre jersey on the Madden cover)
    Ken from Connecticut

    A: Me and my buddy Hench were just talking about this the other day(And in no way did I write this e-mail myself). We need to make this happen. If Larry Bird died instead of Len Bias back in the 80’s, I can’t imagine if he had gone away on my Jordan vs. Bird computer game and I would have been forced to stop masturbating to the tiny screen on my Apple IIGS. Just last year alone I had the Sports Gal milk my prostate while I threw bombs to Randy Moss from Tom Brady for the first 3 days after I purchased the new Madden game. This year I wouldn’t be able to do that, so I say no to this idea. And also, Karate Kid part 2.

  14. Jason@IIATMS

    September 11, 2008 at 9:22 am

    Dear SG,

    Everyone loves Boston and Boston fans so much. You guys are so cute, cuddly and adorable. Definitely not insufferable as some others might say. I’m really like to know what you’d serve to Brady, Belichick, Bias, Bird and Buckner at your Killer B’s dinner party.

  15. Jason@IIATMS

    September 11, 2008 at 9:23 am

    Q: Dear SportsGuy, THANKS for the tongue wash on the nutsack the other day. That’s just the way I like it. Just sayin’…

    SWAK, Matt Berry, Talented Mr. Roto

    SG+TMR 4eva

  16. Chuck K.

    September 11, 2008 at 10:24 am

    Hey Bill,

    Ever play Sim City?

    – Chuck Klosterman, New York, NY

  17. HC Blogger

    September 11, 2008 at 10:47 am

    First time through your blog, funny comments. I’ll be back often, thanks.

  18. Zen Wizard

    September 11, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    Dear Sports Guy:

    Armani Code is like $50 per bottle–should you really just spray it in the air and then “walk” into the spray?

  19. Yanni

    September 11, 2008 at 2:27 pm


    Have you figured out a words per dump ratio for your articles, SG? That would be cool. If this makes it into your Mailbag, I’m predicting as I read this, I will be halfway through when I finish dumping.

  20. tamtam

    September 11, 2008 at 2:28 pm

    dear sports guy,

    brady is gone!! just accept it! he aint comin back!! the patriots will cease to exist this season!

    and im ending every sentance with exclamation points just to hammmer it home further!!

  21. Sports Blogger

    September 15, 2008 at 12:40 pm

    Who would read a 2 million word column, I mean without a couple time outs and a half time I just don’t think I could do it.

  22. feralboy

    March 31, 2009 at 6:29 pm

    Yup, these are my readers.

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