Sports Hernia Blog

We’ll miss you, Matt

An endless source of material and entertainment for us and many other sites, is gone today.  No more Matt Millen in Detroit

In honor of this incredibly stupid man, we take an emotional look back:

2000 (pre-Millen)Lions manage a record of 9-7 with two different head coaches that season, Gary Moeller and Bobby Ross.  Respectable.  Certainly signs of life, especially under the circumstances.

Millen arrives and wastes no time taking making improvements and waving his magic
wand, with the Lions sneaking into last place at a respectable 2-14.  Millen farts, fans can smell it.

2002 – Year two with Millen effortlessly pulling the strings, the Lions bring the pain once again, finishing at 3-13.  Millen again farts.  Hopeful fans show up to the final few games with barf bags filled to the brim and promptly smash them into their own faces.

Lions flirt with destiny and finish 5-11, just a mere four games from
being over .500.  Needless to say, football is back in Detroit.  Fans subtly tell ownership to fire Millen by breaking into the stadium and mowing "FIRE THIS FUCKING ASSHOLE NOW" into the field.

2004 – Clearly on the fast path to hoisting the Lombardi Trophy, Detroit smashes their record from the season before, going 6-10 and continuing their impossible dream as the new darlings of the NFL.  In a slightly disgruntled state, the entire stadium, staff and all, leave a blowout loss to Bengals and get shuttled to Millen’s house for a vindicating synchronized dump on his front lawn.

2005 – Lions allegedly take a minor step back, finishing 5-11.  However, Millen plays it cool, telling fans it’s just a typo.  Fans respond rather quietly by detaching his garage from his house and dumping it into Lake Michigan.   

2006 – Despite finishing 3-13, Millen continues his savvy PR ways, telling
fans to just turn the standings upside down, or pretend wins are actually in the right column instead of the traditional left.  One rogue fan creatively responds by printing out a copy of the standings, crumpling it into a ball and shoving it down Millen’s throat at a popular Detroit restaurant. 

2007 – Lions finish at 7-9 marking their seventh straight season with a record under .500.  A desperate Millen begins confusing "You’re It" tag game, where every day he tags employees at random, pretending someone else is the general manager.  Fans respond to this reported behavior in reasonable fashion, spray painting "DIE MILLEN DIE" on all the windows of his house. 

**Make sure you check out his Wikipedia page, it’s a hilarious read.  Anyone that has a category entitled "Other Protests" on their page who isn’t in the field of politics, is definitely worth checking out.  We particularly enjoyed this nugget:

More Fire Millen chants have been heard at wrestling event WWE’s WrestleMania 23 held at Ford Field, and TNA’s Bound for Glory.


  1. Anne on a mouse

    September 24, 2008 at 7:17 pm

    In protest, maybe he’ll now shave off the giant turd growing on his lip.

  2. ForWhomJayBellTolls

    September 24, 2008 at 11:52 pm

    Detroit has a football team?

  3. JA

    September 25, 2008 at 9:51 am

    How about drafting the tallest WR every year with the first pick?? Millen laughs at the so called “experts” and chooses building a team from the outside in.

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