Sports Hernia Blog

Joe Sports Fan Presents… Legends Hospitality: The Menu

Joe_sports_fan_logo_phixr_2_2By Joshua Bacott

When word came out earlier this month that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones
and Yankees owner George Steinbrenner were going into business together
in a private venture, the possibilities were endless.  The bombastic
heads of two of the most prominent professional sports franchises in
the world were joining egos to dominate yet another industry.

Jones_steinbrennerGod only knows what they were going to be selling. 

Were they starting a consulting service on how to publicly neuter successful coaches for personal entertainment?  

Maybe they were going to charge rich gamesmen thousands of dollars to
hunt street bums that they rounded up for sport.   Honestly a
modern-day Running Man scenario sounded like something you?d expect
when you find out the Boss and Jerry were incahoots. 

And then they announced that the big intimidating business featuring
two of the most powerful men in sports as its founders was going to be?
a concession management company.  Steinbrenner and Jones are basically going to start a catering business. 

More specifically, they?ve formed Legends Hospitality, whose primary
responsibility initially is going to be providing concessions for the
new versions of Yankee Stadium and Texas Stadium that are set to be
unveiled in 2009.

Sure, it makes plenty of sense financially for them to control one of
the primary sources of income within their own buildings, but we
expected so much more.  We were hoping for some sinister corporation
like the one Jack Bauer?s dad owned in 24 that sold nukes to the
Russians.

Since it doesn?t look like George and Jerry will be trafficking illegal
nuclear weapons together anytime soon, the least we can do is suggest
some menu items to help keep their reps alive and kicking in the food
industry all while leveraging their existing assets. 


Look for these items in the Legends Hospitality menu coming to a stadium near you?

Carl_pavanoCarl Pavano Burgers
Hunks of pitcher Carl Pavano between toasted ciabatta
bread.  We?re talking actual pieces of Carl Pavano?s dismembered body. 
The Boss paid $40 million for this slug to win 9 games in three years. 
You better believe he?s getting something out of that investment. 

Soft Pretzel with Botulinum-infused cheese sauce

A Jerry Jones double threat.  Enjoy a traditional salted pretzel with
some delectable cheese and when you?re done, suck up the leftover sauce
in a syringe and inject in various spots on your face.  Watch that
poisonous Botulinum toxin smooth out those wrinkles.  Tastes good and
reverses the aging process.  Well worth $35 a plate.

Derek Jeter?s Crap on a Stick
If you think it?s a bit ridiculous to package and sell
Derek Jeter?s feces, that probably means you?re not a Yanks fan.  
Everything Jeter does is perfect.  He bones the hottest chicks, gets
the clutch hits, wins championships and doesn?t appear in creepy Guitar
Hero commercials – basically the polar opposite of A-Rod in every
aspect.  We?re betting Jeter?s crap tastes like teriyaki chicken. 

Mike Irvin?s Special Funnel Cakes

Who doesn?t love a good funnel cake?  Take some batter, drizzle it into
a fryer until it?s nice and crispy, dust it with some powdered sugar
and voila, you?ve got a stadium staple.  But if these guys were
satisfied with the standard stadium fare, they wouldn?t be in business
together.  So instead of the traditional recipe, they went with chef
Michael Irvin?s version.  Let?s just say that the ?powdered sugar?
might be a little more potent on the Legends funnel cakes than you?re
used to.

Crowd at the stadium will be rowdy as hell though.

Scissors

Why the hell would you sell scissors at a concession stand?  Simple. 
Big George doesn?t accept facial hair or unruly mop tops that why.  Say
you walk up to buy a soda and happen to be sporting a mullet, well
guess what?  You?re going to be buying a pair of scissors, heading to
the bathroom and chopping that hideous thing off or you?re leaving. 
Damn hippy. 

Calzones from Paisanos
Constanza was right.  These things are freaking tremendous.

Hot Dogs

Admittedly, hot dogs are not a terribly original menu item at a
sporting event.  But when Jerry Jones is in charge, it?s not about the
dog itself, rather the way it?s prepared.  You see, Jerry has always
felt a kinship with former big mouth cornerback Deion Sanders who won a
Super Bowl as a member of the Cowboys in 1995.  What better way to
honor his former employee than by selling a stadium mainstay prepared
in the world famous Deion Sanders Hot Dog Express?

Deion_hotdogs

Hell for $50 they?ll even sell you the machine.

Draft picks

If the Cowboys are willing to give up a 1st rounder, 3rd rounder and
6th rounder for Roy Williams, chances are that, if you buy a Deion
Sanders Hot Dog and beer, they would be willing to throw in a 7th
rounder for free. Call it a Legends Hospitality ?value meal?.




Their new business venture might not be anything befitting their
reputations, but something tells me Jerry Jones and George Steinbrenner
will be able to put their mark on the sports concession industry.  If
nothing else, naming your company ?Legends? Hospitality in honor of
yourself shows that the egos aren?t going anywhere.


And hey, let?s look on the bright side.  If they ever need someone to
man the concession stand, I?m pretty sure Barry Switzer is free.

**Past greatness seen right here each week from the former wrestlers turned Irwin R. Schyters's turned bloggers at Joe Sports Fan**

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5 Comments

  1. kevin

    October 31, 2008 at 12:37 pm

    “Hunks of pitcher Carl Pavano between toasted ciabatta bread.”

    Awesome.

  2. pleasan_tree

    October 31, 2008 at 2:54 pm

    Deion must use white strips.

  3. tamtam

    October 31, 2008 at 3:32 pm

    yummy! pavano burger! wonder what sides it comes with…

    the stuff sounds delicious, but i’d think twice before i ate something called derek jeter’s crap on a stick, though. might wanna think about renaming that

  4. Balls of Glory

    October 31, 2008 at 3:39 pm

    @tamtam: Sadly, cougars in NY would line up just for a sniff of that. Pun intended.

  5. tamtam

    November 1, 2008 at 4:55 pm

    @ balls of glory: when you say ‘cougars’, are you referring to the animal or all the supermodels derek jeter has banged throughout his career in NY?

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