Sports Hernia Blog

Joe Sports Fan Presents… The Media Circus Craptacular Ballot

Joe_sports_fan_logo_phixr_2_2By Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig

America is a great place.

As much as we can bitch and moan about the government from day-to-day,
ultimately we get a chance to take it into our own hands and elect who
we want to run things.

The same can't be said for every aspect of life. Take your sports media
for example. Sports fans have little to no say in who we get shoved
down our throats by the major networks for games, studio shows,
analysis, etc.

BillypackerprofileCase in point – it took over 25 years of being largely despised by the
public for CBS to finally dump Billy Packer from the Final Four

So what if we did get ultimate say in the sports media via a public
vote? Perhaps even more entertaining, what would that ballot look like?

In lieu of the traditional Media Circus and in honor of yesterday's
historic election, we take a look at what the Media Craptacular Ballot
might just look like if the people got to choose the talking heads to
fill some of the most prestigious roles:

Department of Body Odor
KrukJohn Kruk, ESPN
Dennis Eckersley, TBS
Jayson Stark, ESPN
Kenny Albert, Fox

Secretary of Not Looking at the Camera When Talking

Clark Kellogg, CBS
Charlie Casserly, CBS

Chief of Lisps
Lou Holtz, ESPN

Eric Karros, Fox

Mad Dog Russo, NBC

Bill Cowher, CBS

Shannon Sharpe, CBS

Department of Stalking Kids Under the Age of 22

Mel Kiper, ESPN

Todd McShay, ESPN

Mike Mayock, NFL Network

Chief Gimmick

Lee Corso Mascot Head, ESPN

Digger Phelps Matching Tie/Highlighter, ESPN

Brian Baldinger's Freaky Pinky, Fox

DoncherryDirector of Hideous Wardrobes
Craig Sager, TNT
Michael Irvin, Independent
Chris Berman, ESPN
Don Cherry, CBC

Department of Intense Volume
Neil Everett, ESPN
Gus Johnson, CBS
Stephen A. Smith, ESPN
Kevin Harlan, CBS
Dick Vitale, ESPN

Artificial Intelligence Security Task Force
Fox Robot
ESPN Mock Field
Dr. Z, SI

Secretary of Jokes That Aren't Funny
Kenny Mayne, ESPN
Terry Bradshaw, Fox
Chris Berman, ESPN
Frank Caliendo, Fox

Chief Of Obnoxious Overlaughing
Terry Bradshaw, Fox
Shannon Sharpe, CBS
Jerome Bettis, NBC

Department of People We Don't Allow Indoors For Some Reason
Tony Siragusa, Fox
Steve Young, ESPN
Emmitt Smith, ESPN

JohnmaddenDirector of Distracting Physical Features
Stuart Scott, ESPN :: Eye
John Madden, NBC :: Eye brows that don't match hair color
Ken Rosenthal, Fox :: Really, really short
Bill Maas, Independent :: Neg-burns

Chief Proprietor of Anger-Inducing Analysis

Joe Morgan, ESPN
Tony Kornheiser, ESPN
Billy Packer, CBS

Congressional House of Snappy

Jim Nantz, CBS
Matthew Berry, ESPN
Tim McCarver, Fox

Media Guild for Cross Promotion and Commerce
Mark Schlereth, ESPN (soap operas)
Peter King, SI (coffee)
Marino, Golic, Berman, Kruk (Nutrisystem)
Mike Greenburg, ESPN (gayness)

Proposition A
If one media member shall be allowed to interview the two presidential
candidates on the eve of the election, that media member shall be Chris
Berman from ESPN in order to allow for the interviewer to do everything
within his power to make himself the focus. It would also allow
opportunities for the presidential candidates to regurgitate Berman's
20-year old catch phrases in a bizarre attempt to look hip.

— Yes
— Good God, Anyone But Berman

Proposition B
– Erin Andrews should conduct sideline interviews while wearing only an earpiece.

— Yes
— Yes


Rock the Vote, people.

The Media Circus is written by Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them at


Past greatness seen right here each week from the former wrestling announcers turned Spanish wrestling announcers turned bloggers at Joe Sports Fan:

JSF Presents… Legends Hospitality: The Menu
JSF Presents… Week 7 Denouement: Terrell Owens' Boogers
JSF Presents… Brett Favre's Green Bay Home Now For Sale
JSF Presents… Wait A Minute, That's Not St. Louis…
JSF Presents… If Women Gymnastics Weren't Creepy Enough…
JSF Presents… Don't Be A Victim Of FMI


  1. tamtam

    November 5, 2008 at 3:47 pm

    voting for whomever we want to see broadcasting the sports games would be a welcome change! im sick and tired of seeing chris segar and his obnoxious outfits on TNT and the ever nauseating terry bradshaw on fox whenever i watch pregame!!!!

  2. Zen Wizard

    November 5, 2008 at 6:23 pm

    In the interest of fiscal responsibility, Department of Bad Hairpieces and the Suspicious Dye Job Administration should probably be merged into one cabinet position.

  3. Cass

    November 7, 2008 at 8:56 am

    Department of the worst announcers:
    Chris Collingsworth (NFL Network)
    Bryant Gumbel (Independent)

  4. MadmanMundt

    November 13, 2008 at 2:08 pm

    Chris Segar may be bad but Dale Shirley’s outfits are the worst.

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