Sports Hernia Blog

‘Shirt-Tank 3000’ to replace all shirt-rockets at NBA games; 23 already confirmed dead


(DENVER, CO) — With NBA crowds insatiable desire for free t-shirts at an all-time high, the NBA rolled out the highly controversial Shirt-Tank 3000, which will replace all wussy powered shirt-rockets by the end of the January.  The ST-3000's debut Monday in Denver was a wild success, with over 1,000 t-shirts fired in under two minutes and only 23 fan casualties (15 from blunt traumas to the chest and head, and another 8 to fan murders over contested shirts).

Shirt Tank 3000 Fun Facts:

  • Can fire over 500 t-shirts in a minute, at speeds of up to 500 mph
  • 7 out of 10 t-shirts delivered are scorched beyond recognition
  • Tank cabin provides excellent hiding spot for that one fat dancer on each NBA dance team
  • Driven by Captain Louis Albano (in most cities)
  • If attendance is under 12,000, ST-3000 will fire feces instead of t-shirts
  • Just like a regular tank, it can kill you


  1. tamtam

    January 20, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    ‘just like a regular tank, it can kill you’


  2. How do you spell retard?

    January 21, 2009 at 2:23 am

    Make em say uhhhhh…na na na.
    /shitty ’90s rap’d

  3. Leather Stools

    January 21, 2009 at 9:36 am

    Haha awesome post. “Just like a real tank it can kill you”. Brilliant!

  4. Upstate Underdog

    January 21, 2009 at 9:48 am

    haven’t we learned anything from the death of Maude Flanders?

  5. tamtam

    January 23, 2009 at 1:16 pm

    apparently not…

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