Sports Hernia Blog

‘Shirt-Tank 3000’ to replace all shirt-rockets at NBA games; 23 already confirmed dead


(DENVER, CO) — With NBA crowds insatiable desire for free t-shirts at an all-time high, the NBA rolled out the highly controversial Shirt-Tank 3000, which will replace all wussy powered shirt-rockets by the end of the January.  The ST-3000's debut Monday in Denver was a wild success, with over 1,000 t-shirts fired in under two minutes and only 23 fan casualties (15 from blunt traumas to the chest and head, and another 8 to fan murders over contested shirts).

Shirt Tank 3000 Fun Facts:

  • Can fire over 500 t-shirts in a minute, at speeds of up to 500 mph
  • 7 out of 10 t-shirts delivered are scorched beyond recognition
  • Tank cabin provides excellent hiding spot for that one fat dancer on each NBA dance team
  • Driven by Captain Louis Albano (in most cities)
  • If attendance is under 12,000, ST-3000 will fire feces instead of t-shirts
  • Just like a regular tank, it can kill you