- Ode To Grantland
- Cris Collinsworth Has Actually ‘Seen Everything’
- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly Argues Over An Eggplant, A Peach And A Smiley Face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
Columnists you know you want to party with: ESPN edition
- Updated: March 13, 2009
With spring nearly upon us, what better way to return to outdoor drinking than by introducing you to more columnists/bar-room-showmen that you just know you wanna party with. This edition focuses strictly on a bunch of heartbreakers up in Bristol.
Enjoy.
Brian Doogan? More like Brian Dahmer, but instead of eating your heart, he'll just break it. Oh, don't be bashful ladies, that exposed woody is there for flattery.
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Ed's just real simple and real real. The man is so intoxicated by round booty that his head literally might explode at any moment. Ed's dream is to one day to get lost forever in some comfy cleavage.
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George Kimball, also known as the Unabomber to neighboring cellmates – because of his looks and his one nut – is the first imprisoned sex offender with a mainstream column. As you might imagine, this crafty gigolo still finds a way to get that coveted weekend pass.
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Graham Hays is a former R.A. at Shippensburg University. Graham is pretty bored and looking for some 'tang, so he writes about women's hoops. He's quite certain the ringer t-shirt on top of an undershirt look will blow
your mind.
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Legend has it that expert poonplower Kyle Whelliston is so cocky he once shaved "U Know U Want Me" into his beard. He's way into one-bid conferences, and one-boink ladies.
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Typical Thomas Hauser conversation with intern:
"Oh, hey, let me
show you some pictures from my vacation in the Dominican. Sooo, here's me snorkeling, and here's me… Oh, WOW! Whoops… didn't even realize those pics were on this computer, I swear. Wow, how embarrassing… so you wanna see more? By the way, people say I look like Dennis Kucinich which I guess is kind
of weird since his wife used to stalk me."
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Marty Smith has driven the intern Bang Bus more times than his bosses would like to count. Well known around the ESPN campus for legendary naked pull-ups duels with Skip Bayless.
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Marc Stein is as annoying as he looks, but his connections are as deep as his nostril canals, so stay close. If you're looking at him and saying, "he probably says Neosporin in the most irritating way possible," you'd probably be right.
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Ladies, if you're getting this stare, it's a safe bet John Hollinger digs your tits.
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If you were commonly mistaken for a husky version of Bill Wennington with a splash of Mike Gmisnki, you'd be smiling too.
Stonehands
March 13, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Graham Hays wrote me up for having a party ball in my dorm room.
BeetNuts
March 14, 2009 at 11:51 am
Kyle Whelliston stole my pride.
Shane McMayonnaise
March 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm
If Brian Doogan lives in Wisconsin, I fear for his neighbors.
Da Gusha
March 16, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I knew it! Hollinger is really David Cross. No wonder he comes across as such an Analrapist.