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Essential viewing tips for the NFL Draft
- Updated: April 24, 2009
We've been here before and, as you can imagine, we've received an overwhelming number of thank you letters for creating the ultimate sports draft viewing experience.
So just follow these carefully thought out tips and you too can feel like a winner on draft day:
– If you're a Jets fan, start your day properly: viciously boo your own shit after your Saturday morning dump.
-Cover your entire body with Nachos. Every time someone says "ability",
"capability" or "explosiveness", do a sailor dive into a giant pit of salsa.
– Keep a white pillow case and a set scissors handy so you have something to create your "I give up" flag. When done, use those scissors to snip off your useless sack.
– When the Raiders are on the board, release majestic doves into the air and crank up Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero." Then, affix Sour Patch Kids to your 7th Hot Pocket and devour the whole thing.
– If you're lucky enough to catch a heated side-by-side exchange between Kiper and McShay, sprint up to that Ken O'Brien FatHead on your wall and berate it mercilessly.
– When is starts to feel a bit mundane, take things up a notch and hump your draft board.
– Everybody loves a good drinking game. If you're holding the remote when
a trickle of sweat becomes visible on Chris Berman's forehead, dip your head into a gallon of vodka and stay submerged through the end of the next commercial break.
– If you're still watching by hour 7, get out some markers and draw the team helmets of your favorite Superbowl matchup on your balls. Then, make them collide like the old MNF promo.
– Any time you find a pick to be impressive, feverishly perform a concerto on your Casio keyboard.
– If Berman's armpit sweat becomes visible at any point, replace your Visine with urine.
– If you've made it to day two, that means it's Sunday morning. Why not
throw on that old Gelfling outfit and pretend you're Mitch Albom on the Sports Reporters?
– If you plan on watching the draft all weekend, don't bother turning your phone on dipshit, no one will be ringing through.