Sports Hernia Blog

ESPN buys EPL rights to piss off UK soccer fans

Espn english premier league soccer coverage

The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from
Setanta.  The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.

So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?

  • One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid
    dickheads on.

  • Classic "Gooooooal!!!"
    call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"

  • Talking.  Lots of fucking talking.
  • Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and
    drooling ex-players
    yelling over each other.

  • Rapid edits.

  • Analogies to American football players.

  • Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.

  • Explanations.  Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.

  • Lots of announcers
    saying ?THAT guy is a soccer player.?

  • A very confused Lou Holtz.

  • Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.
  • Some asshole from the
    poker broadcasts.

  • The advent of ?Soccertology?.

  • Holograms of players in
    the studio doing some stupid bullshit.

  • Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.

  • Some hooker posing as a sideline

  • Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in… Ronaldo is pretty good!"

  • Non-stop Julie Foudy.


  1. Bob's Blitz

    July 8, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    So you’re saying Lots of Fucking?

  2. Bob's Blitz

    July 8, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    We believe that was when she was dating Aloysius Snuffleupagus. Ah, remember the fun the tabloids had with that.

  3. KneeJerkNBA

    July 8, 2009 at 2:41 pm

    No Jay Bilas cameo discussing leg length and foot size?

  4. Upstate Underdog

    July 8, 2009 at 3:48 pm

    If ESPN really wants to fuck things up for English soccer fans they will have Tony Kornheiser in the booth to call EPL games.

  5. Manny

    July 8, 2009 at 3:55 pm

    ESPN sucks, but I love my English Football

  6. tamtam

    July 8, 2009 at 10:04 pm

    yet another reason to stop watching ESPN-they’re showing soccer now!

  7. Triston27

    July 9, 2009 at 12:29 pm

    Who will play the part of Emmitt Smith?

  8. Da Gusha

    July 9, 2009 at 1:46 pm

    ESPN is going to debacle European soccer. It will be glorious.

  9. marv

    July 10, 2009 at 8:50 am

    Ding ding ding! Hilarious

  10. Ricky - Sixers4guidos

    July 16, 2009 at 11:38 am

    didn’t know her before but that Julie Foudy pic had me rolling. I have to do some research on her

  11. Brendan

    August 2, 2009 at 4:35 pm

    Sounds exciting but doesn’t American tv always go over the top?

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