Sports Hernia Blog

ESPN buys EPL rights to piss off UK soccer fans

Espn english premier league soccer coverage

The W.W.L.R.E.W.S (World Wide Leader in Ruining the Enjoyment of Watching Sports), ESPN, has bought the rights to broadcast English Premier League games in the UK from
Setanta.  The bold move is a clear indication that ESPN is making a huge push to stop people from enjoying soccer in England.

So what can UK fans expect from ESPN's Soccer coverage?

  • One 7' x 10' fake soccer field for a 12-man panel to act like stupid
    dickheads on.

  • Classic "Gooooooal!!!"
    call to be replaced with Stuart Scott "Boo-Yah!"

  • Talking.  Lots of fucking talking.
  • Pre-game coverage to begin at 5am, featuring repeatedly concussed and
    drooling ex-players
    yelling over each other.

  • Rapid edits.

  • Analogies to American football players.

  • Profiles on European players that somehow make them appear even gayer.

  • Explanations.  Lots of fucking painful and unnecessary explanations.

  • Lots of announcers
    saying ?THAT guy is a soccer player.?

  • A very confused Lou Holtz.

  • Cameras finally focused more on players wives and celebrities instead of the game.
  • Some asshole from the
    poker broadcasts.

  • The advent of ?Soccertology?.

  • Holograms of players in
    the studio doing some stupid bullshit.

  • Roughly 3 seconds per game of announcers not talking.

  • Some hooker posing as a sideline
    reporter.

  • Unbelievably witty comments like "Hey, this just in… Ronaldo is pretty good!"

  • Non-stop Julie Foudy.

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