Sports Hernia Blog

Getting to know your British Open players

Picture 4
Rory McIlroy
– Fears clowns and strange dolls despite being related to them.
– Can't fathom a world in which Guinness does not exist.
– Needs to finish his round before the lacrosse game starts.
– Knows McLovin.

***

82
Darren Clarke
– Signed $35 million deal with "LA Looks" hair gel.
– Rarely plays with pants on when not on tour.
– Would style and gel his pubes if it meant more poon.
– Has swapped cell phone dong pics with Sean Salisbury.

***

506
Markus Brier
– Nominated for Oscar for role as Smigel in Lord of the Rings.
– Does a mean impression of the Lucky Charms leprechaun without even knowing it.
– Ears were used by John Totoro for role of Billy Martin in The Bronx is Burning.
– Is not even on the PGA Tour.

***

676
Lucas Glover
– Was a stand-in in Dumb and Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd.
– Recently said that "after this British Open thing," he's partying hard with Ben Seaver.
– Cured Luco-plakia.
– Spastic laugh is actually worse than his picture indicates.
– Plays quarterback for the Chicago Bears.

***

Picture 3
Sean O'Hair
– First off, Sean O'Hair?  O'Hair??
– Uses Prell.
– Is pictured above denying he killed his missing wife on a chilling "20/20: Investigates" segment.

***

313
Colin Montgomerie
– Famous for saying "screw it, let's get some whores" immediately after first bogey.
– Was actually created on Conan O'Brien's "What if they mated" segment that featured Pete Carroll and Bill Parcells.

***

115
David Duval
– Known for enormous, embarrassing Oakley Blades.  Think those are bad?  You should see the ones he wears on his ass cheeks.
– Becomes the life of the party when he takes off his glasses to reveal the giant tan lines on his face.
– Was much more interesting when he was fat and depressed.

***

455
Lee Westwood
– More dedicated to becoming Mr. Peepers than becoming a dominant golfer.
– Face turns into terrifying cuckoo clock to wake himself up in the morning.
– Says, "I am 36 and still rocking frosted highlights, who wants some?"
– Has eye-fucked you 37 times already.

***

619
Ian Poulter
– Underwent electroshock therapy while this photo was being taken.
– Fellow PGA golfers call him Poltergeist.
– Probably the illegitimate son of Benjamin Linus.
– Is 1/4 chicken.

***

269
Justin Leonard
– Has apparently morphed into a gay real estate salesman, and this is the picture on his card.
– Tends to be just as stunned as Ian Poulter.
– Yearns to boink.

***

957
Hunter Mahan
– Clearly in the beginning stages of the Donald combover.
– Often huffs, "Whatever.  My name is Hunter."
– Once got lost for 4 days in an Abercrombie & Fitch.
– Credits his great hair to a penis comb.

***

328
Geoff Ogilvy
– The only golfer on the PGA tour that appears to be dipping nonstop, but isn't.
– Is likely annoying someone right now.  "Yeah, yeah, alright Ogilvy, we get it."

***

153
Jim Furyk
– Wears controversial "I'd rather be selling life insurance" shirt on most tournament days.
– Has never NOT worn khakis at any point in his life.

***

Picture 3
Miguel Angel Jimenez
– Has not taken a cigar out of his mouth in 13 days.
– Claims his ponytail is infinitely better than Val Kilmer's in Heat.
– Owns one of Ric Flair's vintage robes.
– Makes out with your girlfriend between holes.

***

158
Sergio Garcia
– Will not golf this weekend and has opted to instead fight the good fight with Dalton and Wade Garrett at the Double Deuce.

7 Comments

  1. birds

    July 16, 2009 at 9:49 pm

    “Clearly in the beginning stages of the Donald come over.”

    come over, huh?

  2. Tim Ryan

    July 16, 2009 at 9:57 pm

    Shit, thanks birds, I fixed it.

  3. How do you spell retard?

    July 16, 2009 at 10:09 pm

    – Is pictured above denying he killed his missing wife on a chilling “20/20: Investigates” segment.

    You guys are fake biography GODS!!!!
    /this is one of the few occasions where I have literally laughed out loud.

  4. JJ

    July 17, 2009 at 12:49 pm

    GREAT STUFF!!!

  5. Manchester United

    July 18, 2009 at 2:18 am

    Excellent information. This sounds exactly like what I’ve been looking for.

  6. Laura Brasnan

    July 20, 2009 at 7:36 am

    i have no information about these British open player,so thanks for share facts. Great !!!

  7. John P

    July 21, 2009 at 10:19 am

    Mike Jiminez is my hero.

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