Sports Hernia Blog

The Essential Fantasy Football Draft Tips 2.0

Paul Charchian

This is Paul Charchian.  Last night he was hosting a "Fantasy Victory" special on Fox.  You may have run into him while searching for preseason football.  If you didn't change the channel after being greeted by Paul, the tips below will absolutely help out your fantasy draft, as well as your life.

– If the current champion of your league walks in carrying a championship trophy with the league's name engraved on the bottom as well as his own, burn him to death the Laser from Contra.

– When trying to come up with a catchy team name, get creative. Something like "MyTeamRulesAgain" should at least get the good vibe going during your nude draft.

– If you're doing the draft at a bar, don't bother drowning your balls in Axe body spray, no one was planning on juggling them anyway.

– If your 'keepers' question or tweet to Bill Simmons ends with "What would the Sports Guy do?", please sleep in cow shit for the next year.

– When posting your well thought out zinger on the league message board, be sure you to point out that someone's favorite team sucks, or maybe even totally sucks.  Also, use lots of exclamation points.

– What's that?  Oh, the draft robot messed up your first pick?  Try typing with both hands you perverted horny prick.

– Start making that list of your 16 favorite team names since you'll be changing it once a week anyway you annoying, indecisive assclown.

– Upon your arrival at the live draft, don't forget to forcefully point at each member of the league as if you're Hollywood Hogan.  People will shit their pants.

– If you draft a Lion in the first round, attack yourself with a spiked dildo.

– Laugh uncontrollably after every single pick, including your own.  (Actually, this one we might do.)

– Tackle a trash can and berate it each time a kicker is taken, even if your draft is being done online.

– Be sure to make an arrest joke after the first Bengal is drafted, because that will be funny.

– Try to resist drafting players you want to work out with too early, a good fantasy GM never lets his latent homosexuality get in the way of constructing a good, balanced team.

– Make sure you have neg-burns before making any member of the New York Jets part of your team.

– If you purchased a fantasy draft magazine in May, you're probably also wearing a Mel Kiper wig, so please choke on something.

– If you're really going to Vegas just to have a fantasy football draft, don't forget to ask that hooker you ordered to shit on your painted face.

– If you're wearing a jersey during your draft, may I suggest some matching mesh shorts as well, you hopeless dickhead?

– If you name your team after your favorite NFL team, and you're not 12, please fuck yourself.

– If you don't know anyone in your league, please do the Nestea plunge into a empty diving well.

And now for the real superstars out there…

– If you have any of those embarrassing fantasy sports dispute links
bookmarked in your favorites, fill your tighty whities with a family of raging piranhas.

– If, after learning of these sites you thought to yourself, "hey,
a fantasy dispute site, what a great idea," make it a point to etch "COCKFACE" onto your forehead.

– If you already have a potential dispute saved on your desktop as "strange FF waiver wire activity," cut out your testicles, place them in empty eyeglass frames, and wear them wherever you go for the rest of your life.


  1. Juggs

    August 28, 2009 at 1:44 pm

    Well done, fellas. Slow clap time

  2. TheSportsHernia

    August 28, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Someone just found this very post by doing the following Google search:

    Whoever searched that has found a list that was absolutely destined for them. Now that’s the kind of gift you can’t put a price on.

  3. Shane McMayonnaise

    August 28, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    If you wore UnderArmour to your draft, please Click Clack the fuck out of here.

  4. Breakin 2 Electric Turkoglu

    August 29, 2009 at 9:50 am

    And to you assholes who bring four(!) fantasy football magazines to the draft party, get a fucking life

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