Sports Hernia Blog

Future owner of Nets reveals disturbing dating profile


This is Mikhail Prokhorov. 

Mikhail is about to buy the New Jersey Nets.  He would like for you to get to know him better. 

However, first, he'd like you to remove your pants. 


Name: Mikhail "Pork-a-hole in your" Prokhorov

Nickname: Martini Porn

Occupation: Future Owner/Groper/Fondler/Nipple tweaker, New Jersey Nets

Height: 6'4" of pale, transfixing hell

Weight: 275lbs. (associated sex gear included)

Hair: Poison-dipped porcupine tips

Ethnicity: Evil Jude Law

Religious Views: Whatever she's drinking

Relationship Status: Currently boning Western Hemisphere, but looking to grow

Interested in: Scandals

But really can't wait to: Take your pants off

Favorite movie: American Psycho II

Favorite cologne: Forbidden Pants, by Fabio

Secret Screename: MikhailSexCapade4

Wish My Name Was: Alexandro De Coogamelloncamp

If I could be anywhere right now: Inside a voyeur chat room

Last great thing I read: The summary intro to a nude Parcheesi video

Most humbling moment: Tight-roll pants era of late 80s

Celebrity I resemble most: Paul Bearer's svelte brother

If I could be anywhere right now instead of inside of a voyeur chat room: In an epic sword fight with Visanthe Shiancoe