Sports Hernia Blog

Tale of the Tape: American vs. European football coaches

Soccer versus football coaches

The SportsHernia’s investigative team takes a close look at the subtle differences between European football (soccer) coaches and American football coaches.  Without further ado, the Tale of the Tape:

Average Height
European Football Coach: 6 ft
American Football Coach: 6 ft

Average Weight
European Football Coach: 168 pounds
American Football Coach: 372 pounds

Average Work Week
European Football Coach: 11 hours
American Football Coach: 124 hours

European Football Coach: Armani, Gucci, Versace
American Football Coach: Zubas, Thorton Mellon’s Tall & Fat, anything that
fucking fits

European Football Coach: Some hot French chick
American Football Coach: Crying in basement with loaded shotgun

European Football Coach: Half of Italy, France and Spain
American Football Coach: Mike Francesa, Peter King

European Football Coach: Daniel Craig’s aviators
American Football Coach: Oakley Blades with Croakies, anything that covers entire face

Key Tactical In-Game Moves
European Football Coach: Squinting, adjusting tie, taking off blazer, winking
American Football Coach: Series of adjustments based on play-by-play game film, throwing headset, having heart attack during halftime speech

European Football Coach: Wine collection, sailing, traveling
American Football Coach: Remembering son’s name

European Football Coach: Immaculate
American Football Coach: Majority on back and shoulder

European Football Coach: Modest starter dish of antipasto; elegant portion of seafood, pasta and vegetable; wine; bon bon; cigarette
American Football Coach: Wings; deep-fried hoagie; six Miller Lites (for health); three potatoes worth of curly fries; half an apple pie; gigantic stogie

Stuck in Teeth
European Football Coach: Swedish model pubes
American Football Coach: Wings

Common Endorsements
European Football Coach: Jaguar, Rolex, Prada
American Football Coach: Manzierres, Weight Watchers, Erectile dysfunction drug

Average Life Expectancy
European Football Coach: 98 years (barring freak smothering accident at orgy)
American Football Coach: 41 years

Interesting Fact
European Football Coach: In bed with your wife right now
American Football Coach: In bed with a chocolate sundae right now


  1. BrianBridgePro

    October 10, 2009 at 9:00 am


  2. JA

    October 10, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    hahahahaha so true! Great stuff!

  3. tamtam

    October 10, 2009 at 7:09 pm


  4. JJ

    October 10, 2009 at 11:06 pm


  5. Orion Q. Pickletickle

    October 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    +1 Million for the Rodney Dangerfield “Back to School” reference. Awesomesauce.

  6. Ronn Graham

    December 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    Wow. What a realization that American Coaches need to play on the line and european coaches can quarterback and recieve,

  7. wholesale handbags

    February 15, 2011 at 1:18 am

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  8. lesley

    August 27, 2014 at 12:38 am

    huge differences. the European coaches rock

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