Sports Hernia Blog

Tale of the Tape: American vs. European football coaches

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Soccer versus football coaches

The SportsHernia’s investigative team takes a close look at the subtle differences between European football (soccer) coaches and American football coaches.  Without further ado, the Tale of the Tape:

Average Height
European Football Coach: 6 ft
American Football Coach: 6 ft

Average Weight
European Football Coach: 168 pounds
American Football Coach: 372 pounds

Average Work Week
European Football Coach: 11 hours
American Football Coach: 124 hours

Style
European Football Coach: Armani, Gucci, Versace
American Football Coach: Zubas, Thorton Mellon’s Tall & Fat, anything that
fucking fits

Wife
European Football Coach: Some hot French chick
American Football Coach: Crying in basement with loaded shotgun

Mistress
European Football Coach: Half of Italy, France and Spain
American Football Coach: Mike Francesa, Peter King

Sunglasses
European Football Coach: Daniel Craig’s aviators
American Football Coach: Oakley Blades with Croakies, anything that covers entire face

Key Tactical In-Game Moves
European Football Coach: Squinting, adjusting tie, taking off blazer, winking
American Football Coach: Series of adjustments based on play-by-play game film, throwing headset, having heart attack during halftime speech

Hobbies
European Football Coach: Wine collection, sailing, traveling
American Football Coach: Remembering son’s name

Hair
European Football Coach: Immaculate
American Football Coach: Majority on back and shoulder

Diet
European Football Coach: Modest starter dish of antipasto; elegant portion of seafood, pasta and vegetable; wine; bon bon; cigarette
American Football Coach: Wings; deep-fried hoagie; six Miller Lites (for health); three potatoes worth of curly fries; half an apple pie; gigantic stogie

Stuck in Teeth
European Football Coach: Swedish model pubes
American Football Coach: Wings

Common Endorsements
European Football Coach: Jaguar, Rolex, Prada
American Football Coach: Manzierres, Weight Watchers, Erectile dysfunction drug

Average Life Expectancy
European Football Coach: 98 years (barring freak smothering accident at orgy)
American Football Coach: 41 years

Interesting Fact
European Football Coach: In bed with your wife right now
American Football Coach: In bed with a chocolate sundae right now

8 Comments

  1. BrianBridgePro

    October 10, 2009 at 9:00 am

    Classic!

  2. JA

    October 10, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    hahahahaha so true! Great stuff!

  3. tamtam

    October 10, 2009 at 7:09 pm

    HAHAHAAAA!!!!

  4. JJ

    October 10, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    HERNIA CLASSIC!!!

  5. Orion Q. Pickletickle

    October 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

    +1 Million for the Rodney Dangerfield “Back to School” reference. Awesomesauce.

  6. Ronn Graham

    December 22, 2010 at 11:00 pm

    Wow. What a realization that American Coaches need to play on the line and european coaches can quarterback and recieve,

    http://sportschatterings.blogspot.com/

  7. wholesale handbags

    February 15, 2011 at 1:18 am

    I have to say that I adore your blog, I love how you always write loads in each post and it seems like you really put time and effort into every post. So much better than people who just post pictures simply to make sure they are posting regularaly. 20110215pilipalagaga

  8. lesley

    August 27, 2014 at 12:38 am

    huge differences. the European coaches rock

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