- Ode To Grantland
- Cris Collinsworth Has Actually ‘Seen Everything’
- Tom Brady Accidentally Wolfs Up During Court Room Sketch
- Gritty, Scrappy, Gutsy White Guy Inducted Into MLB Hall of Fame
- Bucs Turn To 80’s Video Game Icon To Fix Jameis
- Clyde McFly Argues Over An Eggplant, A Peach And A Smiley Face
- Traded 4 Times in 6 Days, Luke Ridnour Asks Himself … ‘Who am I?’
- Five Thirty Eight Sets Internet Ablaze With Shocking Report
- Johnny Football’s Money Sign Becomes Latest NFL Star to Retire Early
- Learn The Ins & Outs Of Beer Can Chicken From Clyde McFly
Tale of the Tape: American vs. European football coaches
- Updated: October 9, 2009

The SportsHernia’s investigative team takes a close look at the subtle differences between European football (soccer) coaches and American football coaches. Without further ado, the Tale of the Tape:
Average Height
European Football Coach: 6 ft
American Football Coach: 6 ft
Average Weight
European Football Coach: 168 pounds
American Football Coach: 372 pounds
Average Work Week
European Football Coach: 11 hours
American Football Coach: 124 hours
Style
European Football Coach: Armani, Gucci, Versace
American Football Coach: Zubas, Thorton Mellon’s Tall & Fat, anything that
fucking fits
Wife
European Football Coach: Some hot French chick
American Football Coach: Crying in basement with loaded shotgun
Mistress
European Football Coach: Half of Italy, France and Spain
American Football Coach: Mike Francesa, Peter King
Sunglasses
European Football Coach: Daniel Craig’s aviators
American Football Coach: Oakley Blades with Croakies, anything that covers entire face
Key Tactical In-Game Moves
European Football Coach: Squinting, adjusting tie, taking off blazer, winking
American Football Coach: Series of adjustments based on play-by-play game film, throwing headset, having heart attack during halftime speech
Hobbies
European Football Coach: Wine collection, sailing, traveling
American Football Coach: Remembering son’s name
Hair
European Football Coach: Immaculate
American Football Coach: Majority on back and shoulder
Diet
European Football Coach: Modest starter dish of antipasto; elegant portion of seafood, pasta and vegetable; wine; bon bon; cigarette
American Football Coach: Wings; deep-fried hoagie; six Miller Lites (for health); three potatoes worth of curly fries; half an apple pie; gigantic stogie
Stuck in Teeth
European Football Coach: Swedish model pubes
American Football Coach: Wings
Common Endorsements
European Football Coach: Jaguar, Rolex, Prada
American Football Coach: Manzierres, Weight Watchers, Erectile dysfunction drug
Average Life Expectancy
European Football Coach: 98 years (barring freak smothering accident at orgy)
American Football Coach: 41 years
Interesting Fact
European Football Coach: In bed with your wife right now
American Football Coach: In bed with a chocolate sundae right now
8 Comments