Tale of the Tape: American vs. European football coaches

The SportsHernia’s investigative team takes a close look at the subtle differences between European football (soccer) coaches and American football coaches.  Without further ado, the Tale of the Tape:

Average Height
European Football Coach: 6 ft
American Football Coach: 6 ft

Average Weight
European Football Coach: 168 pounds
American Football Coach: 372 pounds

Average Work Week
European Football Coach: 11 hours
American Football Coach: 124 hours

Style
European Football Coach: Armani, Gucci, Versace
American Football Coach: Zubas, Thorton Mellon’s Tall & Fat, anything that
fucking fits

Wife
European Football Coach: Some hot French chick
American Football Coach: Crying in basement with loaded shotgun

Mistress
European Football Coach: Half of Italy, France and Spain
American Football Coach: Mike Francesa, Peter King

Sunglasses
European Football Coach: Daniel Craig’s aviators
American Football Coach: Oakley Blades with Croakies, anything that covers entire face

Key Tactical In-Game Moves
European Football Coach: Squinting, adjusting tie, taking off blazer, winking
American Football Coach: Series of adjustments based on play-by-play game film, throwing headset, having heart attack during halftime speech

Hobbies
European Football Coach: Wine collection, sailing, traveling
American Football Coach: Remembering son’s name

Hair
European Football Coach: Immaculate
American Football Coach: Majority on back and shoulder

Diet
European Football Coach: Modest starter dish of antipasto; elegant portion of seafood, pasta and vegetable; wine; bon bon; cigarette
American Football Coach: Wings; deep-fried hoagie; six Miller Lites (for health); three potatoes worth of curly fries; half an apple pie; gigantic stogie

Stuck in Teeth
European Football Coach: Swedish model pubes
American Football Coach: Wings

Common Endorsements
European Football Coach: Jaguar, Rolex, Prada
American Football Coach: Manzierres, Weight Watchers, Erectile dysfunction drug

Average Life Expectancy
European Football Coach: 98 years (barring freak smothering accident at orgy)
American Football Coach: 41 years

Interesting Fact
European Football Coach: In bed with your wife right now
American Football Coach: In bed with a chocolate sundae right now

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